Damn my mind for refusing to let me lie to myself. But it wouldn’t.
Because I did still have feelings for Pax, and him coming here to tell me he had them for me was swoon-worthy and adorable and totally rom-com-movie-of-the-year perfect.
“My place is yours for as long as you’d like to stay,” Paxton said, breaking through my ruminations.
Despite what my heart wanted—or maybe because of it—I dug deep and gave him the brutal honesty we both deserved. “I’m not sure we can ever rebuild our relationship romantically. I’m different now.” I should have added that I’d been broken and stitched back together physically, as well as jaded emotionally, thanks to his leaving and Jeremy’s betrayal, but those words stuck in my throat. I was a mess and mass of scar tissue, and I hated that.
“I hear you,” Paxton said.
But did he? How could he understand what had changed if I didn’t share those scars with him? If it turned out we got along well now, I would show him, I decided. But first, I needed to be sure I could trust him.
Staying with him for a couple of days would let me dip my toe in the water.
“I need to focus onmeand finding contentment with my life before I even consider romance again,” I said.
“I hear you, Han. You need time. And I have to show you I’m serious about missing you in my life and about us.”
“That’s not what I said…”
“It’s whatIneed, too,” Paxton said quietly. “Give me that.”
I both hoped and feared he would follow through on the promise, pretty much my constant state around him, it seemed. “Let me see if I can get that interview,” I said.
“Anything you need, Hana, I’m here,” Paxton replied. “Don’t hesitate or worry about the request being too much. Just ask me, and if I can make it happen, I will.”
Well…my pulse sped up faster than laser thrusters as my heart melted. Now I didn’t just need to worry about getting that interview. I fretted about holding on to my sanity. It was going to be nearly impossible not to throw myself at Pax if he continued to say—and follow through on—everything he was telling me now.
Chapter11
Paxton
Hana wouldn’t ask me for anything else. I couldn’t imagine what it had taken for her to ask if she could stay at my house. I knew from the stubborn silence, punctuated by her soft, “Bye, Pax,” that she was done being vulnerable right now.
She disconnected, and I stuffed my phone into my back pocket. I wasn’t interested in talking to the guys anymore—not now—so I headed toward the rink’s spacious gym. I selected a stationary bike, wanting to reduce the edginess the call with Hana had caused.
“Paxton. Nice to see you.” Gunnar Evaldson, owner of the Wildcatters, smiled at me as he pulled a towel from the handlebars of his bike. He patted his forehead as he continued to push through what looked like a grueling cycle of simulated hills. I had to give it to the guy—he was in great shape for fifty-something.
“You, too, sir.”
“You appear to have something weighing on you,” he noted. “Anything I can help with?”
Normally, I’d think that was a platitude, that the team owner wouldn’t bother to listen to a player, but Gunnar was different. Hands on. Invested. Sometimes a pain in the ass, but always looking out for his players. In many ways, he was a better role model, a better man, than my father. I was thankful to be part of his team and hoped to play for the Wildcatters for many more years.
And I was thankful I had reconnected with Hana again. Because reconnecting with her was everything. Just thinking about her pretty almond-shaped brown eyes and lustrous skin made my heart patter.
How had I made it this long? It felt like waking up from an insidiously bad dream.
Gunnar still waited. I opened my mouth, shut it. Then opened it again.
“Does this have anything to do with your early flight out to San Jose and the fine Coach Whittaker slapped on you for not returning with the team?”
I winced but nodded, looking over at him. “Yes. I had to talk to Hana.”
“She’s the one who’s involved in aerospace physics? Fascinating career. Very cutting edge.”
I nodded again, unsurprised to learn Gunnar knew about Hana. “I hadn’t spoken to her in years, and then when I did, she lost her job because of me.”
Gunnar picked up his water bottle and uncapped it. “Hmmm….” He took a long swig.
