And I absolutely refused to get myself into another situation like that ever again. I wouldn't give over my heart, my goodsenseandmy body to Xavier, and I wouldn't run from Texas the way I ran from Florida.
This was my home now.
I come first.That thought buoyed me through a few hours of window shopping and bookstore browsing, and by the time lunch rolled around, I felt like a whole new Rosalee. I felt strong and resolved that whatever had been happening between me and Xavier, it was over now. It had no future anyway, whether he wanted a future with me or not.
And I was fine with that.
Totally fine.
But when I sat down at the diner on my own for a meal, without a baby to care for and no grumpy boss looming over me being sexy and mean and stupid, my resolve started to crumble.
"What'll it be, sugar?"
I smiled at the waitress, and in an effort to get myself centered again, I placed my order. "I'll have a Texas burger with the works, sweet potato friesandonion rings, plus a double chocolate milkshake." I smiled at her shocked expression. "And the tallest glass of ice water you've got."
The older woman flashed a wide grin. "Is that the secret to those curves? Because I could use a few of my own," she said and motioned to her rail-thin figure.
"The secret is a lifetime of watching what you eat and failing miserably at it."
"Well, honey, from where I'm standing, it looks like you failed up and into an hourglass figure. I'll be back with your water and milkshake."
Her words made me feel a little better, but the milkshake doubled that. I would probably never lose those last fifteen pounds, and I had to be okay with that. When that double chocolate milkshake hit my tongue, I was okay with it. I wasmore than okay with it. I was in heaven. Absolutely in heaven.It's almost better than being in Xavier's arms.
"Dammit." That one ill-timed thought and all my effort was for nothing. I was back to where I started, emotional turmoil town, which I thought I'd left in my rearview mirror.
Why was this so hard? It shouldn't be. It was just a few nights in his arms and in his bed. It was a purely physical relationship that was emotionally one-sided, and Xavier was a jerk more often than he wasn't.Oh no! Am I one of those women who only falls for toxic men? Does that mean I'm doomed to be miserable or alone?It was a sobering thought, even if my conscience tried to remind me that Xavier wasn't toxic—not really—he was just grouchy and emotionally stunted. He was never outright mean the way Jason had been; he just spent too much time alone.
Or I'm just making excuses... just like I did with Jason.
"Nope. Not doing this," I told myself out loud, not caring if anyone who overheard me thought I was crazy. Maybe I was crazy, but I was determined not to be a fool again, so I took all thoughts of Xavier and Jason, shoved them into a box, and buried them as far into the depths of my mind as I could.
And then I settled in to enjoy a completely indulgent lunch and my own damn company. It was nice, once I got used to it, eating on my own without scrolling social media or reading a book, just being alone with my thoughts. The longer I lingered and ate, the more relaxed I began to feel. Even eating my weight in greasy, fried food didn't lessen my good mood.
By the time I slid behind the steering wheel and crawled back up the mountain, I wasn't just relaxed; I felt like a new woman.
And when I stepped inside the house and saw Violet asleep across her daddy's bare chest, one of his hands resting protectively on her back while he slept, I knew that feeling was a lie.
It would take more than a few hours away to get over my feelings for my grumpy mountain man boss.
Chapter 23
Xavier
"I'm sorry." I blurted out the words after I put Violet to bed. My chest heaved as the words shot out of my mouth and landed on Rosalee, who sat curled on the sofa with her eyes focused on her lap.
She gave no indication she heard me at first, but a full minute later she sighed and set her e-reader on the coffee table before she turned to me with a blank expression on her face. "You're sorry," she repeated, the words sounding as if they were in a language she didn't understand. "What are you sorry for, Xavier?"
I felt like a chastised child in that moment, but I shoved down the instinct to say so and nodded because it was a fair question. There were a lot of things I needed to apologize for, so her question made sense. "Everything," I answered easily. "For being a jerk—no, scratch that. I'm sorry for being an absolute asshole." It was weak sauce as far as apologies went, but it was a good start. I hoped. "I shouldn't have pulled away from you like that after we were together the last time." Shit, I hoped it wasn't the last time.
Rosalee folded her arms, her usually expressive eyes devoid of any discernible emotion. "Why did you do it?"
I shrugged because I knew I didn't have a good answer, but she deserved the truth so she could weigh the quality of it for herself. "I don't have a good answer, Rosalee. I just," I sighed and raked a hand through my hair because this shit was hard, talking about feelings I'd resolved long ago to never feel again. "I started to feel things that I never wanted to feel again, things I thought I was long past feeling. It shocked me." Even as I thought about it, my heart raced and my stomach flipped over.
"You mean you were scared."
I smiled. Leave it to Rosalee not to pull any punches. "Yeah, that's exactly what it was. On the heels of that shock was fear, so I pulled away, but I should have just told you what I was feeling instead of turning my back on you like that, and I'm sorry."
"You didn't tell me because you were, and probably still are, worried that I'd want more from you, and you don't want to give more."
