He leaned in to whisper, “You’re being rude. Everyone is talking, and you aren’t eventryingto be a part of it.”
I was tired. So damn tired.
I was tired of trying.
I was tired of my mask that seemed to grow heavier each day.
I was tired of feeling.
Clearing my throat, I stood. “Excuse me.”
I blocked out his response or any comments his loud friends made as I walked past them. I trudged to the bathroom where I locked myself in the out-of-order stall and just leaned against the wall.
A soul deep exhaustion consumed me. That dark hole in my chest had become bigger than ever before. It ate away at everything I was feeling like debris slowly falling into an endless sink hole.
The door to the bathroom opened, and I immediately recognized Cassidy and Courtney’s voices.
“Serenity, you in here?” Cassidy asked flatly as she opened each stall door to presumably look for me.
I was glad I chose the out-of-order one. I pressed my lips together, refusing to answer. I didn’t want to speak. I didn’t want to come out. I didn’t want to be here.
Cassidy sighed after she’d checked each stall. “Guess not.”
“Where do you think she went?”
“Who fucking cares,” Cassidy responded. “Hopefully, the bitch left. It’s not like anyone wants her psycho ass here, anyway. Honestly, I wish she’d do everyone a favor and kill herself already.”
“Cassidy,” Courtney laughed and snorted in half-hearted reprimand.
“You know it’s true. Like, she can’t evenpretendto smile. It’s no fun messing with her if we don’t get a reaction. So if she’ssomiserable, she should stop making the rest of us miserable with her.”
“You’ll also get to have Bradley all to yourself if she’s gone,” Courtney giggled.
“I’ll make sure we fuck over her grave. That way she’ll know who he really belonged to all along.”
It was amazing what defeat could do. Words that would’ve gotten a reaction out of me merely fell into the black pit. The hole absorbed each laceration like a sponge. Their nasty words joined the screaming voices in my head until the thoughts morphed into my own voice.
No one wants you here.
You make others miserable.
You’d be doing the world a favor by disappearing.
I closed my heavy eyes and hung my heavy head. Everything was just too damn heavy, and I needed to escape from under it all. I needed away.
Once the bathroom was quiet again, I slipped out. I didn’t stop by Bradley’s table. I didn’t even look in that direction as I slinked along the edge of the bar across the room. My car wasn’there, but I didn’t care. I kept walking. I walked down the streets of downtown, trying to draw calming air into my lungs and shake off the tired heaviness. But no matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t something I could shake. The weight on my chest and murky veil over my head lingered.
Thunder rumbled overhead. Cold drops of rain splattered on my nose. I paused my walk and looked up at the dark, angry sky as it split open and began to cry. I closed my eyes and kept my face tilted up to the rain, letting it pelt my skin and roll down my cheeks. It was like the sky knew that I was too broken to cry anymore, so it sobbed for me.
Every remaining feeling inside of me finally tumbled into that dark sink hole. A new welcomed sensation came over me.
Numbness.
I’dfinallygone totally numb.
My curls clung to my face and shoulders while my shirt and skirt stuck to me like a second skin. Yet still, I trudged on in the rain while the late February winter night breeze tried to numb my body to match the emptiness inside. I barely managed to focus on where I was going. My feet seemed to do the thinking for me until I found myself at my apartment. I didn’t care that I left puddles along the hallway to my door, nor did I bother with turning on the lights. I stumbled to my bedroom and sank onto the first surface I saw—my vanity chair. Lightning briefly lit up my reflection in the mirror, and it was just as horrifying as I’d expected.
Wet, sagging curls sticking to my forehead and cheeks.
