Bradley leaned back and offered me a tentative smile. “I’m gonna get you dinner from your favorite Chinese restaurant. Okay? Whatever you want. You can even have the whole menu if that’s what you want! We can watch a movie, too. How about one of those Japanese movies you like?”
“It’s Korean,” I corrected flatly. I couldn’t get my voice or face to convey anything. The emptiness had taken root and now commanded me.
“Yes, yes. Korean,” Bradley chirped. “Come on. You shower and get changed. We’ll stay in and do whatever you want. Okay?”
I couldn’t respond. Unfettered, Bradley guided me to stand and corralled me to the bathroom. My mind, my face, everything was blank as I stepped into the shower and stared up at the water pouring from the showerhead.
My insides had gone cold. The black crevices of pain opened wider to try to suck me in. My lifeless eyes trailed down to where my razor rested on the shower ledge. The silver metal glinted, and it whispered promises of relief from what I was feeling. It promised an escape from all the pain I kept tucked away. Just a little cut. Just a little more pain to never feel it again.
I lifted my hand slowly.
“Dollface,” Bradley called from the other side of the shower curtain.
I froze before dropping my hand back to my side. I stared at my feet. “Yes?”
“The food will be here in thirty minutes. Do you want anything? Want me to do anything around the apartment or get you anything else?”
I swallowed the acid rising up my throat and tilted my head back. I closed my eyes to let the water pour over my head. “No.”
I couldn’t remember the last time Bradley had been overly affectionate with me. Yet now, he waited on me, hand and foot. He made my plate of food and rubbed my leg softly as we ate on my couch and watched one of my Korean dramas. He cleaned my kitchen and told me to just relax, something he didn’t even do at his own house. He held me against his chest and wrapped me in his arms, not arguing once about watching more of my show.
With each action, some of the pain inside of me ebbed. With each soft brush of his lips against my temple or idle drag of his fingertips over my arm, the darkness receded a fraction. I wasn’t sure if it was my mind’s way of trying to preserve the reality that had existed before this evening or if it was a desperate attempt to pretend that everything was fine. But eventually, the wariness became forgotten, and I allowed myself to lean into his familiar warmth and love. I let go of what had transpired and breathed him in.
Thiswas my Bradley.Thiswas what I was holding onto.Thiswas why I stayed every time warning signs flared to life.
Besides, it was like he said—it was just an accident. He’d never hurt me like that again.
One Year Ago
Diary Entry 47
I’m too tired to keep fighting this pointless fight. I’m too tired to keep the lights on. I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry.
Diary Entry 48
I missed.
It’s harder to do than I thought. So I’m still here, Twila. I wish you could talk back. I could really use someone who cares right now.
Chapter 11
Dante
I SETTLED AT THE CAFÉ table and opened the box containing the hot, dripping cinnamon roll. The sugary and sweet scent wafted up, and my mouth watered. I couldn’t dive in yet, though. I pulled my phone out and snapped a picture of the morning treat and texted it to Serenity.
Thought of you
Before I could put the phone away and dig in, my phone buzzed with her response.
You’re making me hungry, which is unfortunate since I have no cinnamon rolls here to make.
Here? Are you at home?
Yeah I didn’t go into work today
I instantly perked up at the news.
