He's chaos.
I'm not.
He's loud.
I'm careful.
He's all risk and trouble.
I'm the boring guy who literally wants to teach children how to spell their names.
We don't look like a couple. And then there's this other fear, the one I don't even want to touch.
What if he doesn't even want me like that? What if this is just a game for him? Just fun. Just a summer thing he'll forget once he gets bored.
He kisses me because it's convenient. He touches me because it fits the plan. He defends me because it pisses Sophia off. And I'm the idiot whose heart can't tell the freaking difference.
I wrap my arms around my knees tighter.
I'm scared of so many things at once I can't separate them.
I'm scared of people finding out.
I'm scared of being judged.
I'm scared of my dad.
I'm scared of losing my family.
I'm scared of losing this version of me that everyone thinks they know. And on top of that, I'm scared of wanting him and him not wanting me back.
Or worse.
Wanting me, but only halfway. Only in secret.
Only when it's fun, but not when it gets hard.
I can't even imagine us actually together. Like really together.
Waking up in the same house. People whispering. Parents at school judging me.
Moms not wanting"the gay teacher with the biker boyfriend"around their kids.
I'd lose everything I've worked for.
And for what? For someone who might get tired of me by winter? It feels like I'm standing between two doors.
One where I stay the version of myself everyone understands, boring, straight, obedient enough.
And another door where I admit I want him, and everything explodes.
He makes that second door look tempting. Very tempting.
He noticed the thumb thing.
For fuck's sake, he noticed the thumb thing.
Nobody ever did. Not my family, not Sophia, not anyone.
