The walk from the bathroom to my room feels like the walk of shame. Except... it's not shame. Not exactly.
I'm not horny anymore.
That burned out under the water.
What's left is worse. Something heavier. I've been dodging this thought all day, pushing it away every time it gets too close.
But today? Today feels like the universe took me by the back of the neck and shoved my face into it.
I feel wrong. Inside my skin, inside my head, inside fucking everything. My brain keeps looping the same sentence: I might like Gio Fontana.
And every time it pops up, it's like an alarm going off inside my head.
An annoying one, that stresses me out more than it should.
Wanting guys in general? Okay, I guess. I can almost work with that. People exist. The world is big.
It's not that crazy anymore, probably.
But wantinghimspecifically? That feels like I just picked "hard mode" on life.
Because it's not just about me.
It's him.
It's who he is.
It's who I am.
It's everyone around us.
I press my forehead to my knees. No one would ever look at us and think, "Oh, yeah, that makes sense."
They'd think,"What is he doing with Gio?!"
"He's too soft for him."
"He's stupid."
"He's just a phase."
And I can already hear my dad's voice in my head, so loud.
"You want to be a teacher and you show up with him?!"
"You think anyone will take you seriously?!"
"You think our family will accept that?!"
I feel sick. Even if I wake up tomorrow and say, okay, hey family, I like guys, I still can't picture a world where I show up to dinner holding Gio's hand and everyone says, "Nice choice, we're happy for you."
That's not my family. That's not how they are.
They already think I'm dramatic and difficult just because I don't want their business.
What are they gonna do if I tell them I want the local menace with the bike and the tattoos and the piercings and the "fuck you" attitude?
I swallow hard. Even outside my family, who would ever think we match?
