Winnie, 1 year later
“You know, if you ever get tired of this life, you can always call me.”Doc, or Lyric’s words still ring in my ears even months later. Running into her again in the clubhouse was one of the nicest moments I’ve had there in months. Probably because someone actually acknowledged me. I was about to break down and confide in her all that has happened. I could use some advice from a woman who is seriously dating a Rebels of the Undead member. I could use some advice and some support in knowing how to get through to Dodger. When I’m at the club, I can tell by the way the girlfriends and old ladies watch me that they know something I don’t. Even the club girls seem to look down on me with pity whenever I’m around. It made coming to the clubhouse uncomfortable and sometimes unbearable to the point that I was ready to schedule a damn therapy session with Lyric just to have someone to talk to. Then Ari showed up, and I put my head down. The last thing I needed was for her to think I was bashing Dodger and go to her mom. While Jocelyn has never been mean to me, she isn’t exactly warm either.
It took a long time for her and some of the other old ladies to warm up to me, for them to trust that I wasn’t after their men or any brother except Dodger. As the years went by, though, I became less involved, needing to concentrate on school, and now the old ladies watch me like they aren’t sure what to do with me. I’m more unwelcome than anything else. I tried to address this with Finn, but all he did was shrug and tell me to come around more. And I have. These past few months, I’ve been making a huge effort to reconnect with the club and reconnect with Finn.
The past year has been rocky for us at best, and it all stems back to the night of my graduation and the fight we didn’t have. Sure, he apologized again, and there were flowers, but he forgot how well I know him. We’ve been together for five years. I can tell that there is something he’s keeping from me, and it's causing a rift in our relationship. He’s slowly been pulling away ever since that night, and I’m not even sure if he realizes he’s doing it. Every day I feel like I’m holding on to him, barely managing to keep him in my clutches. I’m fighting for us, and I’m not even sure he’s on the same page of the book.
It doesn’t help that we’re rarely able to find time to be together. I started classes for my RN degree and work part-time at the clinic. Finn has been busier with the club. For a few months now, he’s been helping Karma keep Doc safe. Now her stalker is gone, and once again there’s peace in the clubhouse. I thought things would change and go back to normal, but instead Finn has been given orders to go on run after run by the Prez. Orders he can’t say no to. There are times he’s gone a few days and times he’s gone a few weeks. Which is why I’m here today to spend some time with him while working on his bike, and hopefully I can convince him to come away with me for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary.
“Hey, babe.” I lean down to kiss his cheek while he grunts in response. I sit in a folding chair nearby and watch his hands, covered in grease, while he works methodically on his most prized possession. “I have the night off from class, I was thinking maybe we could grab some wings or pizza on our way home.”
Finn’s eyes flick to mine briefly before he leans back over his work. “Not sure what time I’ll be done today, Win. The belt is still making noise.”
“I can wait.” My shoulders shrug, and I offer him a smile.
His gaze hardens, and his jaw clenches in response. Finn doesn’t speak, and more silence settles in the garage. Clearing my throat, I try again.
“How about this weekend? It's the end of summer, and I heard that the town over is having a carnival. Maybe we could stop by, ride the Ferris wheel like old times,” I chuckle lightly, hoping our first memories will break through to him. We started on a Ferris wheel ride; maybe another one would bring us back together.
“Prez has a run lined up. I might be heading out,” he replies, but this time there's an edge to his voice, one that maybe sounds like regret, and like a dumbass, I get my hopes up.
“Do you have to go? Can’t someone else do it?”
Sighing, Finn sets his wrench down and forces his gaze to mine. “I can’t say no when Prez issues orders, Winnie, you know this. You’ve been a club girl long enough.”
His words sting more than they should. Yes, I do know the rules. They’ve been drilled into me since we first came here five years ago and jumped right into the life. What hurts the most, though, is the fact that he called me a club girl. “I’m not a club girl, Finn.”
Silence stretches between us, uncomfortably. Finn reaches over to grab a new tool, and only then does he manage to look atme. I catch a hint of guilt in the blue depths of his eyes. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Okay, but you said it like I shouldn’t question you because the club whores aren’t allowed to. If I were an old lady, I sure as shit could question anything you say.”
Finn drops his tool and gets to his feet. His hands brace on the bike, and he’s breathing hard. “I don’t want to do this with you today. I have a lot going on, and I don’t have the time to calm you down about the fact that I haven't married you yet.”
“Jesus fuck, Finn.” I get to my feet now, too, anger flaring to life in my stomach. “I’m not asking you to marry me. All I'm asking is for my boyfriend to want to spend time with me. To celebrate our anniversary and maybe be home for a change. I’m lonely, Finn. You’re never around. I miss you. I miss us talking, going out, just going to bed at the same time together.”
“And I told you I can’t. I have to work, Winnie. I have a job, responsibilities. You knew what this was when I patched in. You knew there would be times I’m gone, that there would be things I have to do without you, and things I can’t share with you. You stuck around, and that's on you to be okay with how this is.” His chest rises and falls with every harsh word he says until tears are swimming in my eyes.
“I have been okay with a lot of things, Finn. I don’t nag you. I don’t demand you be home every night. I don’t track your location. All I’m asking for is some of your time. You made promises to me too before the club,” I remind him. Instead of understanding how I’m feeling, his shoulders tense instead.
“I’ve given you everything you could ever want, Winnie. A place to live, check. Helped you through school so you could have your dream job, check. And I’m still paying the bill for your latest venture to be an RN. Everything you’ve wanted, I’ve given you. I don’t have time to coddle you and to make you feel secure just because you don’t have a ring on your finger. Beindependent. Fucking find some friends or just do anything else but cling around here when I’m trying to work.”
His words hurt more than anything I’ve felt in my entire life. The loss of his feelings for me is soul-shattering, and that is what I see right now in the way he looks at me. Like he doesn’t want to see me. He doesn’t want me around his life here or in our life at home. Tears threaten to spill, and I know if I even open my mouth to say anything right now, all that will escape are sobs. Without saying a word, I slip out of the garage and the clubhouse. I knew coming here was a mistake, but I really thought I could reach him. I hoped that showing enough effort that I wasn’t letting him go would prove how much I want to be in his life and to have him in mine.
My hand reaches for my car door handle when I hear my name called. Wiping the tears off my cheeks, I turn and smile at the club’s queen, Jocelyn.
“I thought that was you.” She pulls me into a hug. “Honey, how have you been? It feels like I never see you. Plus, with your man always volunteering for runs, I’ve been meaning to check in and make sure you don’t need anything.”
I wonder if she knows that everything she just said cuts me deep and slashes any shred of hope I’d been holding onto. “Prez doesn’t order them to go on runs?”
Jocelyn’s eyes widen, and the smile falls from her lips. Concern fills her eyes, but there’s also a flare of understanding and solidarity. “No. It’s usually voluntary and up to the guys who can handle what needs to be done. I’m sorry. I thought you knew.”
I shake my head. She’s still talking, but I can’t hear her; her voice sounds like it's far away. All I can concentrate on is breathing and listening to the blood rushing in my ears. He lied to me. He’s been lying. All this time, Finn has been volunteering so he can escape me. My heart breaks right there in the parkinglot of the club. The place we had looked at as our future, one we were building together.
“Thanks, Jocelyn,” I mutter and turn to leave. She calls my name, and I break the cardinal rule by ignoring her.
This place is no longer my home. These people are not my family. And Finn is now just the man who took my dreams and my love and destroyed our future with just a few careless words. He didn’t even have the decency to at least end it respectfully, so we could part on good terms. Instead, he diminished the work I did to keep him happy, to please the brothers, the old ladies, and even the club whores. He took our years together and made them ugly. He turned them into a charity, where he took care of me and helped me while I lived off him. Forgetting the fact that I’ve been paying him back since I started working. Forgetting that even though he paid, I always made sure his clothes were clean, the apartment was spotless, and when we did entertain, that everyone was welcome. I made him lunches and dinners and doted on him, thinking we were in a partnership. How easily he’s forgotten his first years as a prospect when we lived in the clubhouse, and how often I would take care of him and make his life easier so that all he had to focus on was the club. Now I am just heartbroken and done.
Chapter 14
