“Oh, so you do exist,” the other girl, now out of her stupor, scoffs. “Really shitty move today not being there for her.”
“I’m aware. That's why it's important I find her now,” I reply, hating the way my heart is twisting in my chest just thinking about all the ways I let her down today.
“She went home” is all the girl says before taking a sip from her canned drink and going back to ignoring me.
I spin on my heels and fight the crowd to get back to the front door. Once I’m back outside, I get on my bike and make the quick trip to the apartment a couple of blocks away. I don’t pass Winnie on the way, which makes me even angrier. She'd better be at the apartment. Nothing had better have happened to her on the walk home. I can’t believe she fucking walked home.
I rush from the elevator to our door, slapping my key fob on the lock. I twist the knob to open it, but the security chain prevents me from going any farther. Thank fuck, that means she’s okay. “Win!”
A light pops on, and I hear footsteps. “Finn?”
“Open the damn door,” I call to her, sticking my hand through the gap. I hear her shuffle toward the door before it closes on me. The chain scrapes, and then she opens the door.
“What are you doing here?” she asks when I walk past her into our apartment.
I spin to face her, the worry and anger from earlier catching up to me now that I can see her and she’s alive and well. “I live here.”
“Could have fooled me,” she replies, and I stop dead in my advance toward her at the iciness in her tone. My eyes roam over her, taking her in, really taking her in. A pit in my gut grows bigger when I notice how she’s standing. Defensive. Like she’s protecting herself from me. She’s rigid. Her back is straight, tense, not relaxed like how I normally make her feel when she’s safe and protected. But it's her face and the tears in her eyes that stop my heart cold. Disappointment. The one thing I never wanted to see on her face again when it comes to me.
“I’m sorry,” I say, reaching for her. She lets me touch her, my hands gripping her elbows and moving up and down her arms. I need her to relax into me, to let her body melt into mine so I can hold her and somehow make this better.
“Where were you?” Her voice is tight, gritty, and lacking all the warmth I’m used to.
I shake my head, not wanting to admit that once again I blew her off to drink at the club, to surround myself with brothers who know what I did and accept me anyway. Who don’t judge my action for the outcome, but by what I protected. Because if Itell her, then I have to tell her why, and I don’t know if I’m ready for her to hear it. “I had club things. I couldn’t get away.”
“Another party?” she scoffs and moves out of my hold.
My hands clench into fists at my side, hating that she won’t let me touch her. I need to comfort her. “It doesn’t matter because I should have been at your graduation.”
“Yeah, you should have. I’ve been talking about this day for a month. I reminded you this week, on Monday, and yesterday. It's on the calendar circled in red, and on your phone’s calendar.”
I blow out a breath and step toward her, feeling my gut twist when she takes a step back. “It was club business, Win. I swear. Or else I would have been there.”
She shakes her head and takes out her phone. “Really looks like business to me.”
On the screen is a series of photos from tonight at the clubhouse. In one, I’m at the bar, and the other was taken from when Dove was talking to me on my way out. Neither looks good. Embarrassment climbs up my chest and makes the skin on my neck feel hot. Someone took my picture when I wasn’t watching, and it also feels like a breach of privacy.
“I can’t talk about it, but yes, the night ended with a celebration. I was leaving when Dove cornered me. That's all that is.”
Winnie scoffs and gives me her back, leaving the room, heading toward our bedroom. I follow her while the shame in my chest ratchets up, and my first instinct is to protect myself. “I said I’m sorry, Win.”
“And I don’t care, Finn.” She shrugs, taking off her robe and laying it over her vanity chair.
“Why didn’t you call me before the ceremony? Why did you wait until it was all over?”
Her eyes jump to mine and flash with anger. “Are you serious? I gave you every chance I could to be there today. You’re the one who forgot.”
She pulls back the blankets on her side of the bed and climbs in, turning on her side away from me. My hands reach for my cut first, taking it off and laying it over her chair too. I should really shower, but I’m exhausted. Everything in me feels drained right now, and all I want is to close my eyes. I yank my t-shirt off over my head and throw it on the hamper before reaching for the button on my jeans.
“Put it in the hamper, not on it,” she instructs, her tone biting. I swallow down a retort, my bad mood settling over me.
Silently, I drag my jeans down my legs and step out of them before taking off my socks. I bundle the clothes together with my discarded t-shirt and put everything inside the hamper. Winnie still isn’t looking at me when I slide into our bed next to her. Instead, her hand reaches out, flicking the lamp off and plunging the room into darkness.
Lying in the dark, I feel my throat start to tighten and choke up with emotion. I’m in over my head, trying to push everything down and bury it. I’m keeping secrets from the one person who loves me most in the world, and I feel like shit about it. I never want to disappoint her. Since the day we met, all I’ve wanted is to be the perfect man for her. I didn’t just fail today, I fucked up in epic proportions. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to make it right when all I continue to do lately is fuck everything up.
My fingers itch to reach out to her. I want her to face me so I can tell her what happened. Maybe she would understand. Maybe if I could have handled what I did sooner, I wouldn’t have been avoiding her all week. I wouldn’t have missed her night. If we hadn't rushed into that building two weeks ago and made a more air-tight plan, I wouldn’t have had to pull my trigger. Therabbit hole goes on and on of what ifs, and I know if I spiral right now, I’ll need alcohol to numb my mind in order to sleep. And I can’t do that because I’m here in the apartment I avoid, with the girl I love and let down today. Stress and anxiety bloom in my chest, and I take a shuddering breath, running my hands through my hair. Everything is fucked right now. I don’t know how to make anything right again. Winnie’s breathing evens out, and I realize she’s asleep. I can’t do it. Sliding out of bed, I grab my shorts, a t-shirt, and my cut before leaving the apartment. Guilt and the feeling of knowing that I’m letting Winnie down even more bites at my heels as I make it to my bike, revving the engine and taking off. I’ll never be the man she really deserves.
Chapter 13
