“Riv.” I approach her with my hands up. “What’s going on?”
She wipes at her face, but by the time I reach her, her cheeks are wet again, and I use my sleeve to dry them. It doesn’t last long, and I hold her head between my hands tokiss her. It’s chaste but tastes salty, her mouth soft yet unforgiving.
“You saw?” I guess, and she nods, lips brushing mine. “I’m sorry,” I whisper against her mouth. “I?—”
“I’m not sure I can do it.”
“Do what?”
She sniffles. “I don’t know… It’s a lot, me and you, and I don’t think?—”
“Stop. Stop.” I step away, releasing her face to take her hands in mine. “Just stop, okay? We have to talk about this. Please?”
She lets me lead her to the living room, but she chooses to sit on the other couch instead of next to me. I blow out a breath and scrub my hands through my hair, attempting to gather my thoughts about everything.
“First of all, is Paisley okay? Erik said you two left early because she wasn’t feeling well.”
Nadine shakes her head. “She’s fine. She’s watching a movie.”
I swallow past my cottonmouth. I was right, and they left the game because of the post. With my elbows on my knees, I fist my left hand over my right so that I don’t close the space between us. I recognize she needs it, but it’s a gulf. A chasm I’m worried can’t be bridged.
“I don’t know where to start,” I admit honestly as she still refuses to meet my gaze.
She sniffles again, lifting an apathetic shoulder, eyes focused on where her toe is dug into the rug. “I thought I’d be able to do it, but I’m not sure I can. If this is what it’s like to be a part of your life… All this speculation and ridicule, it’s a circus.”
I can’t disagree. My behavior has been clownish at times, and now it’s all coming back to bite me in the ass.
She finally lifts her bloodshot eyes to my face, dragging her fingers under her eyes and nose. “You know, while I was at the game, I had this epiphany that’d I’d been wrong all along. About you, about the other wives and girlfriends. I had all theseassumptions about what type of people they were.” She shakes her head, sawing her teeth over her bottom lip, as if keeping herself from crying again. “I felt so bad for judging them, for spending so long judging you. But then Valerie posted that, and I know…” Her voice wavers. “I know the truth about us, but I don’t know the truth about anything else. I only know that you have a whole history I may have beenrightabout.”
I can’t stay away from her anymore, and I fall to the floor, crawling to her, placing my hands on her legs, cupping my palms around the backs of her denim-covered calves. “I can’t change my past. I wish I could, but I can’t, and I’m so sorry any of it might blow back on you, because you don’t deserve it. You are perfect.”
She covers her face with her hands and mumbles, “I’m not perfect.”
“Riv, please, look at me.” She does, and I bring her hands to my lips, kissing her fingertips. “You’re perfect for me.”
Her breath hiccups, but she doesn’t respond, lips pursed, eyes swimming with water.
“Give me a chance. Giveusa chance.Please.”
She squeezes her eyes shut. “I don’t know.”
“I’ll tell you anything. Whatever you want to know, I’m an open book.”
A moment passes where I’m not sure she’s going to take me up on my offer to answer her questions, but she eventually blinks her eyes open. They’re dry and narrowed on me. “Did you cheat on Valerie?”
“Yes. Once, a few months ago while I was in Florida.”
“Did you ever cheat on anyone else?”
“No. I swear, and I won’t ever cheat on you.”
She huffs one single, annoyed laugh. “That’s good, I guess.”
“Honey, please.” I dip my chin, practically prostrating myself. “You know me. You know the real me. I did it because I was pissed at myself and trying to fill up the holes in my life. It sounds shitty, but it didn’t mean anything. And this will soundeven worse, but—” I lick my lips, preparing for more honesty than I’ve ever given any other woman “—Valerie and I were never that serious. It’s not an excuse, it’s just the truth. I didn’t feel bad about it at the time because I assumed she was also fooling around behind my back, but I didn’t care. I never cared about anyone the way I do about you. And I know my word means nothing right now, but I promise I would never cheat on you. You’ve been tucked away in my heart for so long, I think I became used to living life with you there. Looking forward to the one day of the year I’d be able to see you. When I’d feel alive again. Because every other day, every other woman was background noise. It’s always been you, even if I didn’t know it. You have always been mine. Let me be yours.”
Nadine’s shoulders rise on a deep breath, her lips parting on her exhale. Yet she doesn’t answer for a long time. Kicking me in the gut. “I don’t know, Camden. I need time to think.”
I place my head on her lap, taking a few breaths, letting a tendril of hope weave its way around my ribs like her fingers do when she combs them through my hair. She’s not pushing me away. It’s notno.
