And then Arabella takes a deep breath and lets herself fall backwards into the water, dunking underneath, her golden hair spreading out behind her. When she resurfaces, her eyelashes are dripping with what could be river water or tears but is probably a mix of both. Her pristine make-up is dripping down her face and her hair hangs in a tangled mess around her shoulders. But she is smiling, properly smiling this time.
Phoebe catches the way her mother looks at her, prideplastered all over her face. The two women kick out into the middle of the river, joining the rest of the group.
As Phoebe turns to look back at the bank, she sees that Ben is still standing on the side.
‘Are you OK?’
‘I don’t think I can do it.’
‘It’s all right. Just take your time.’
The lifeguard has spotted his hesitation too and chips in softly but reassuringly, ‘It’s OK, I’m right here watching. Make sure you take deep breaths.’
But Ben isn’t taking deep breaths. In fact, they have become rapid and gasping. His whole body is shaking.
‘I can’t do it! I can’t do anything. I’m useless.’
Phoebe watches from the water, suddenly wondering if this whole thing was a terrible idea. Maybe this was too much for him. Maybe it was too much for all of them.
Camilla, who is closest to the bank, strides towards him. She reaches out her hand and as she does, Ben’s eyes fall again to the scar on her wrist.
‘You are so much stronger than you think you are,’ she says.
He hesitates and then takes a deep breath and reaches out his arm. Phoebe watches as Camilla’s and Ben’s gaze falls on the scar on Ben’s own wrist. Their eyes meet.
Camilla continues to hold out her hand.
‘Weare so much stronger than we think we are,’ she says softly. And then their hands connect and Camilla pulls Ben gently down into the water.
He puffs and splashes as he swims vigorously in circles. ‘Bloody hell, you didn’t say it was so cold!’
‘It gets better quickly,’ Phoebe says. ‘You get used to it.’
He slows down, his breathing growing steadier. ‘Oh yeah, you’re right actually.’
‘Try floating like this,’ suggests Maude, lifting her head up slightly from where she is still lying on her back with her arms stretched wide. ‘It’s very relaxing.’
‘Why don’t we all give it a try?’ suggests Phoebe.
One by one, they lift their feet off the river bed. Lying like this, the willow trees form a cocoon around them, a few patches of sky and cloud just visible between the leaves.
‘Fill your lungs with air,’ instructs the lifeguard from the bank. ‘That will help you stay afloat. And remember to breathe slowly and deeply.’
Arabella lets out an audible sigh. Phoebe turns her head to glance over at the others. Maude and Ben are floating close to one another, both smiling. Maude kicks her toes slightly to create splashes that jump up onto Ben’s feet and he does the same back. Arabella and Camilla are holding hands as they float. Phoebe lies back and swallows hard, warm despite the cold of the river.
‘I think I’ve talked to you all before about mindfulness,’ she says. ‘But sometimes it can be difficult to achieve if you’re just sitting at home or at work. Somewhere like this is a great place to try it out. If things feel overwhelming, it can really help to calm us to focus on the small sensations in our bodies.’
It’s something she regularly encourages her patients to try, but for ages she hasn’t had the time to be mindful herself and the last couple of weeks have shown her that it’s time she tried taking her own advice.
‘Focus on the feeling of the water lapping against your ears, the light filtering down through the trees. Listen to the sound of the birds and the rustling of the reeds. Now take a deep breath.’
There’s the collective sound of them all inhaling.
‘Notice how you’re feeling. Be honest with yourself, don’t feel you have to push anything away. And now just try to be still.’
A breeze rustles the grass and wildflowers in the meadow. Phoebe can hear Kate talking softly to Rosie on the bank and the distant sound of children playing down in the campsite, a radio play coming from inside Hamish’s boat. Bees buzz and birds chirp softly in the trees. And the water holds them all afloat.
CHAPTER 44
