‘I suppose, after everything I went through with the IVF, I’ve always found it hard to complain. I wanted my babies so badly and went to such great lengths to have them that even now I find it hard to talk about the bits that aren’t how I imagined. In case it makes me sound ungrateful.’
‘Oh, Erin. No one would ever think that.’
‘And no one would ever think badly of you for finding things hard too.’
Kate has spent so long feeling like she’s so different from her sister because of this vision she had in her head of Erin as a mother. Nothing she has said has changed the fact that she still thinks Erin is a brilliant mum, but the vision is altered now, smudges and scratches making the picture less perfect. But maybe those things are what make her so great, actually.
‘I think one of the hardest things is that I know this early bit is so fleeting,’ Kate admits. ‘I know there will come a day when Rosie is a grumpy teenager and I will probably ache to be able to hold her as a baby again. It makes me hate myself for not cherishing every moment, but I just can’t.’
‘Of course you can’t.’ Erin readjusts her towel, tucking it in at the front. ‘Look, the truth is, not every moment is worth cherishing and I think people often forget that in their nostalgia. When they cry for hours on end? Or throw up on you? Or worse … But I do like to think about cherishing one moment from each day.’
‘Hmm, I like that,’ Kate replies, considering the idea.
To be expected to savour every second of every day feels like being at a party that never ends, when you’re exhausted and want to just sit down but the music keeps playing and the lights keep flashing and you’re expected to keep dancing. But one moment? That feels doable.
‘Yeah, so, at the end of each day, I try to think about one moment that’s made me really smile that day,’ continues Erin. ‘One thing I want to remember and hold onto. Even if it’s been a shit day, I always find something. And it helps me keepperspective on those tough days, to hold onto the good bits, even if they’re only small.’
‘What was it yesterday?’
A huge smile spreads across Erin’s face.
‘In the morning while I was getting their breakfast ready, Ted and Arlo “made” me a cup of tea. They’d put a teabag in my favourite mug and filled it up with cold water. They were so proud of themselves and so excited to have done something nice for me that Idrank it. I didn’t even care that it was disgusting. The day before, it was readingWe’re Going on a Bear Huntwith them before bed. And the day before that … That was when Arlo said “shit” for the first time and Mark and I couldn’t stop laughing, even though we knew we should be telling him off. It was just too funny hearing it come out of his cute little mouth.’
Listening to Erin, it strikes Kate that none of the moments her sister describes are the moments she puts on Instagram or in their family WhatsApp group. Those are made up of posed photos where everyone is smiling and neatly dressed.
‘It never stops being exhausting, sis, or overwhelming or difficult. I’m not going to sugar-coat things. But I wish I could express to you all the good stuff that you have ahead of you. You’re in the trenches right now, but there is so much joy and laughter and absolutely fucking incredible stuff coming your way.’
‘I hope so.’
‘Iknowso.’
Kate pulls her T-shirt on over her still-damp skin and Erin does the same with her dress. Except now there’s no swishingponytail and matching bow, instead her hair hangs in wet knots on her shoulders just like Kate’s does. They’re both bare-faced, make-up washed away by the river. Kate thinks her sister looks beautiful.
‘Hey,’ says Erin, ‘you know something I did really love when the boys were tiny? Baby swimming lessons. I started taking them both when they were around Rosie’s age. Have you thought about signing Rosie up?’
Kate suddenly pictures the tiny pink swimsuit that her lido friends bought for Rosie when she was born but is still hanging unused in her room.
‘I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of that.’ Her mind races with the thought of being in the water with her daughter. It’s something she thought about a lot when she was pregnant, but somehow, with everything that has happened since, it has slipped from her mind.
‘I think you’d love it,’ continues Erin. ‘I found that time together really special.’
‘That’s a brilliant idea, thank you.’
‘You’ll get there, sis,’ Erin says, and then she steps forward and takes Kate in her arms, squeezing her tightly. Their wet hair drips onto each other’s shoulders. ‘Do you know what my happy moment for today is?’ Erin whispers into her ear.
‘What?’ Kate replies, not ready to let her sister go just yet.
‘This one.’
CHAPTER 39
Suddenly, it begins to rain.
Raindrops hammer down onto the surface of the river and the roof of the Kingfisher Café and Book Barge. The lifeguard remains seated in her deckchair but reaches for a large golf umbrella and opens it above her head. Kate and Erin yelp, grabbing their things and dashing barefoot across the grass and towards the beach huts. They seek shelter inside an orange-and-white striped hut which is filled with kayaks. With the doors left open so they can see and hear the rain, they sit cross-legged on their towels, huddling close to one another for warmth.
‘Listen to that!’
The sound is amazing as the shower becomes a torrential downpour, clattering against the wooden roof of the hut and dripping down through the trees to splash on the water. A family of ducks bob about happily, flapping their feathers.There’s one swimmer in the water, an older man with a thick grey beard, but the rain doesn’t seem to bother him. In fact, he tilts his head to the sky and laughs.
