Kate likes messy Erin. It makes her feel better about having no real clue what she’s doing in her own life.
‘Cut yourself some slack, sis,’ Erin says. ‘It’s great that you made it yesterday. But your friends aren’t going to forget about you just because you aren’t able to go to every social event for a while. The good ones won’t, anyway.’
Kate thinks back to her conversation with her friends yesterday.
‘I think you’re right.’
‘I’m your big sister, I’m always right.’
‘Mmm. What about the time you got that fringe?’
‘Let’s not talk about the fringe! So, are we going to swim, or what?’
They enter the water side by side. Erin gets a bit nervous for a minute about the thought of fish and mud, but then Kate reminds her she has given birth, twice.
‘Oh yeah, you’re right,’ Erin replies before launching herself into the river.
As they swim, following the curve of the river bend beneath the canopy of trees, Erin catches Kate up on work and the boys and an upcoming holiday to Center Parcs.
‘I never thought I’d be someone who would dream about a package holiday in huts in the woods, but then I went and everything was soeasy. Bliss.’
Kate tells Erin more about the swimming club and her new friends. ‘Oh, and I thought you should know that I swam this morning with women I met through the Tired Mums Club. Thanks for encouraging me to go.’
‘That’s great!’
They make their way back to the riverbank and get changed on the grass.
‘Thanks for coming,’ Kate says as she tries to wriggle back into her trousers. ‘I’ve missed hanging out like this and …’ She takes a deep breath. ‘Honestly, I’ve been finding things really hard since Rosie was born.’
Erin immediately stops reaching for her clothes and faces Kate, giving her all her attention.
‘Oh, sis. Things will get easier soon. You’ve just got to get through the awful newborn bit.’
‘What do you mean?’ asks Kate, frowning. A breeze whips up, giving her goosebumps, and she wraps her damp towel tightly around her shoulders. ‘Youlovedhaving newborns!’
When Kate thinks about her sister after both her sons were born, she pictures her looking totally blissed out, gazing down at them with such wonder. It’s something that’s come back toher many times when she has held Rosie and felt many things – fear, anxiety, guilt – but not that lovestruck awe that Erin wore on her face when her sons were small. But Erin looks at Kate as though she’s absolutely mad.
‘Um, Kate,no oneloves having a newborn. They’re objectively awful. I mean, I adore my new niece and little babies are very cute, but they cry and feed all the time and can’t talk to you to tell you what’s wrong. My boys might be absolute animals, sometimes, but at least they can tell me with words when they’re hungry.’
‘But you seemed so chilled and happy when your boys were tiny!’ exclaims Kate.
‘Did I?’ asks Erin, frowning. ‘I think I was mostly medicated. And overwhelmed.’
They both pause for a moment, huddled beneath their towels on the side of the river. The sunshine of earlier has gone, clouds rolling across the sky and making the green of the trees look even greener, as if the world has been turned up to high contrast.
‘I’ve been finding it pretty overwhelming too,’ Kate finally admits to the older sister who she’s always looked up to. ‘And hard. Really hard.’
‘That’s because itishard! Don’t get me wrong, I adore my boys. I would literally chew off my own arm for them if I had to. Literally without a second’s hesitation.’ She mimes gnawing on her forearm, making Kate descend into giggles. Then Erin stops, more serious now. ‘And now that they’re a bit older … They’re so funny. But, my God, becoming a mother has been the single hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And I’verun three marathons, started my own business and had a roommate at uni who used to knit in our communal living room usinghuman hairthat she’dfound on the ground.’
‘Oh God, I’d forgotten about her! I wonder what she’s doing now?’
‘The point is, becoming a mum is hard. Like, ridiculously hard. But there’s all this pressure to be blissfully happy all the time. This idea that talking about the tough bits means you’re a bad mum or don’t love your kids is absolute bullshit.’
Erin’s face is flushed, her usual composure replaced with a wild sort of energy. Kate gets the impression that these words have been stewing inside her sister for some time. She isn’t sure quite what has released them. Maybe the calm setting of the riverbank has loosened something in her. Or maybe, until now, Kate hasn’t opened up enough for Erin to feel she can do the same?
‘Um, how have I had no idea up until right now that you felt this way? Why didn’t you say anything back when Ted was born?’
Erin tilts her head for a second, looking thoughtful. Around them, the trees and reeds rustle and sway as the breeze grows stronger, the sky darkening even further.
