I’m whiplashed as I get pulled out through that door and back into my mind. My eyes snap open, but it’s only darkness.
I hunch over and retch. My throat still burns, as if Daegel was actually physically here to choke me.
“Phoenix!” Vera’s voice, and then a moment later, her hands land on my shoulders and pull me up.
I’m still sick to my stomach, but there’s nothing left to puke.
So I keep dry heaving.
“It’s normal.” Kazh’s voice. “Until she’s used to being comfortably inside the depths of her mind, she may experience physical discomfort.”
“I almost died in there.” My voice is rough.
“Well, what did I tell ya about not getting lost?”
I start to tremble all over. “I need space.”
With weak knees, I slide off the meditation stone and stumble towards the studio.
“Phoenix!” Vera calls. “You can’t go anywhere in this condition!”
“Let her,” Kazh says. “She has to process what she’s learned.”
CHAPTER SIXTY
PHOENIX
I need to go.
I need to breathe.
The walls in Vera’s studio are closing in on me.
I never had a panic attack, and I don’t know how it feels. But what I’m feeling right now is how I imagine it feels to lose your mind.
Or I might be dying.
My breathing is labored, but I push through it and leave Vera’s studio, putting on the first pair of shoes I can find. I slam the door behind me and venture outside. The cool air is a little kinder to my lungs than the air inside my room, but I still can’t get enough oxygen into my body.
I rub the middle of my chest in circles, but it doesn’t help.
I rely on my senses to navigate the people. There are so many of them in the streets. Nobody seems to pay attention to me, a blind girl, the honorable champion of the trials, wandering the streets.
Something’s in my path and I stumble.
The landing on all fours is painful. I scrape my knees and palms. Cursing, I get back on my feet and keep moving. From now on, I stay close to the building walls, tracing the path with my fingertips.
I think I might throw up.
My stomach is empty.
After a couple of steps, there is a gap between the buildings. I map out the location with my hands—it appears to be an alley. I slip inside and immediately hunch over. With my hands resting on my thighs, I dry heave, the panic inside me making my whole body tremble.
Dear gods, I can’t do this anymore.
The sky crashes over me. I’m too weak to hold it up anymore. After the wave of nausea passes, I’m exhausted. I lean against the wall with my back and let my head rest on the cool stone. My breathing is heavy, but the pressure in my chest eases with each heartbeat.
Maybe I won’t die, after all.
