I couldn’t stop thinking about Neil.
Ever since I’d gotten back from the shore, I’d been reliving that moment against the door when he touched me, when he’d reawakened my lust with his burning gaze. I recalled his hot breath creeping between my lips, making me crave his mouth.
If he’d tried to kiss me then, I would have let him. Because I wanted him.
This was a new sensation for me—I’d never been so attracted to anyone before.
When Bailey or Janel had talked to me about “chemistry” I’d always thought it didn’t really exist. But that was only because I’d never experienced it for myself.
Now, though, I knew exactly what they were talking about. Even just a brush of his fingertips sent chills down my body.
I blamed it on his eyes and how they shone like oxidized gold and his deep, manly voice, all to avoid thinking about the fact that Neil was becoming a genuine addiction for me.
Something had changed inside me after Logan told me about Kimberly. I couldn’t judge Neil or his behavior (though it was often unacceptable).Instead, I wanted to be on his side. I wanted to be with him and make him understand that love meant total acceptance.
Did I saylove?
Yeah, I did.
I didn’t have the first clue what love really was, but it was the only word I could use to describe this calamity. I was confident, though, that something had changed in him as well when it came to me. I’d never seen him so confused.
Usually, Neil always seemed so self-assured, with a casually dominating presence that would have made another man falter. But he hadn’t been like that on the beach that night. He’d seemed lost then. Unstable, struggling with all the conflicting emotions trying to burst out of him. I’d seen it in his eyes.
I had learned how to read him a little bit, how to look deeper. Now, even when he refused to talk to me, his actions, his facial expressions, even the different tones of his voice told me how he was feeling.
“You are my beyond.”
I didn’t know exactly how to take a confession like that. He’d said the words angrily, but I had the feeling that, in his own way, he was trying to tell me something important. But what was it that made him run away from me all the time? Why was he so afraid of me?
Sure, Neil wasn’t in love with me—he didn’t even believe in love—but there was a fine thread linking us together.
It was undeniable.
But he was very good at closing himself off to others and keeping all his fears inside so he didn’t have to expose them. Usually, a woman wouldn’t even notice them, but I did because I was the one he had permitted to peek into his soul.
And, ever since then, I could do nothing but wonder about what Kimberly had put him through. How much shame had she inflicted upon him? How many colors had she snuffed out of a child’s life—a child who was never allowed to have a childhood? My heart wept every time I thought about it.
But there was another problem on top of all of that: Mr. Disaster wasthe son of my dad’s girlfriend. What would happen if Matt and Mia found out about us?
“Hey, earth to Selene.” Janel waved a hand in front of my face as I stared, lost in grim thoughts.
I hadn’t said a word since we walked into our favorite café near my neighborhood.
“You’ve been spacey ever since you got back from your vacation,” Bailey tutted, sitting beside me. I hadn’t told them anything about what had happened.
For some reason, I felt the inexplicable need to protect Neil, to safeguard those moments we had shared in that room and on the beach and to honor Logan’s confidences.
When it came to Neil, I felt like a butterfly.
A little butterfly that, despite having the entire sky through which to roam, always chose to land on one particularly damaged flower because that’s where her heart was.
“She’s right. You’re different; you seem…” Janel paused to suck some orange juice through her straw. “…thoughtful,” she finished.
I moved the spoon around slowly in my coffee and watched the dark liquid, considering.
“What is love to you?” I asked abruptly and looked at both of my friends, who both wore unsettled expressions. They probably weren’t expecting a question like that from me. I was the one, after all, who always tried to dodge that kind of conversation.
“There are so many ways to define love. The only thing I know for sure is that none of us will ever really understand it.” Janel answered first.
