I had nothing to give Selene, whom I both wanted and did not want—so passionately.
Sure, I didn’t want a relationship with her, but I did want to throw her down on that bed and fuck her, to stop up her mouth with my tongue.
I was the king of chaos, or maybe chaos was the king of me. I didn’t know anything anymore.
“It’s very clear to me, but this is not my fault. And you are a lunatic! Up until half an hour ago, you were kissing me, and now you’re yelling at me for no reason!” Her voice dropped lower with each word, and she pressed a hand over her eyes. She was crying but trying to hide it from me.
Selene couldn’t understand me because she didn’t know the truth about me. She didn’t know what Kim told me—what she was always telling me. That she only used me because she loved me and that our relationship was the special kind of love that no one else would understand.
“But there is a reason!” I snapped at her. “I hate that word ‘love.’ I don’twant to hear it, especially not from you,” I said. I knew that Selene wasn’t like Kimberly; I knew that my Babygirl would never violate me like I had been violated in that sick relationship with my babysitter.
If only I had the guts to tell her everything.
“You are nuts!” Selene fought back, finally, staring at me with anger and disappointment. I felt relieved. Maybe if she yelled that I was a bastard who didn’t deserve her—that I was fucked in the head—it would have made everything feel more right again.
“Yeah, that’s right, I am.” I sagged against her desk, defeated by my own admission and rubbed my forehead, which had begun to throb.
Selene sighed heavily, and her shoulders slumped. I looked at her, taking note of how her sweater adhered perfectly to her firm breasts, and I considered just shoving her back on the bed and making her submit to me. We could work this all out without ever “talking.”
“You should stop being so afraid; stop running away from me and closing in on yourself. I might be the only person who—” Again, I refused to let her finish. Selene simply refused to face facts: I was too remote and too troubled to even think about making a life with any woman.
“Enough, goddammit!” I burst out, then put my head in my hands, an intense burst of pain in my head forcing my eyes shut.
Please stop, I thought.Don’t tell me that I need to open myself up to you. Don’t tell me that you might be the one for me or that you could accept me the way I am because I might actually believe you. And then I’d end up believing in the other beautiful things too. You are a beautiful thing, Tinkerbell, much too beautiful. If I opened my heart to you and you decided to leave or someone took you away from me, I would break. If I don’t want to crumble to dust, I need to not depend on anyone, least of all you. You can hurt me; you can break me, and I can’t allow that.
I can’t let you consume me.
I’m already wounded. But if Kimberly was able to demolish me, you would be able to annihilate me.
And I can’t let you do that.
Instead of revealing any of those thoughts to her, however, I kept silent.
“What do you plan to do now?” she asked, and I did not answer. “Wasthis evening we spent together worthless to you?” Another question I ignored. “Was that kiss meaningless?” Although she clearly hoped I’d answer, I said nothing. “Neil…”
I slowly rubbed my forehead with my thumb and forefinger, trying for a relief that did not come.
“I need to go.” That was all I could give her.
“Again? You’re going to run away again?” she asked, sounding both incredulous and resigned.
I looked up at her then and saw that her eyes were glittering and her lip quivering. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her and end all this heartache, but she kept talking. “Neil, you have to stop hurting me. Is that why you came here to see me? So you could hurt me again?”
No, that wasn’t the reason I’d come. In fact, I had told Logan that I was never going to Detroit and had been firmly convinced it was the truth until my brother said, “If you let someone like Selene go, she won’t come back to you so easily.” And so I got on the first plane to Detroit to be with my Tinkerbell, which turned out to be an enormous fuck-up.
“You should have been expecting this,” I answered cynically as she sat down on the bed, shoulders drawn in around her. Her hands sat limp on her thighs, and her auburn hair tumbled over her breasts. I shook my head, shaking off the idea of consoling her, and headed for the bedroom door. But then, sudden sobbing made me stop in my tracks.
How many times had I disrespected her? How many times had I let her down?
How long could she last, my fairy, before her wings snapped?
I turned around to see her curled up on the bed. I sighed and walked over to her, sitting down on the edge of the bed without bothering to ask for permission. She ignored me while I stared at her little nose with its upward curve. I liked to put a kiss right there now and again, especially when she wrinkled it up, making one of her faces.
“I don’t want…” I cleared my throat and stroked her hair. “I don’t want you to cry,” I managed finally, but she just shook my hand off and wiped away a tear.
“Leave me alone,” she whispered, staring out into nothingness.Meanwhile, I examined her long hair, the color of bronze with reddish highlights, falling all around her drawn face. Yes, God had really done a good job with her, and her beauty had been my downfall.
“Haven’t you ever wondered what it would be like?” Her blue eyes penetrated mine as she sighed gently. Those ocean eyes were making love to me, but my golden ones were fucking her, giving her a clue about how much I wanted her. I touched her hip, and she flinched, tucking her knees in tighter against her chest.
