“Well?” she managed, her gentle voice twisting around my neck like a rope. In that moment, everything about her irritated me: her pale face, her full mouth, and her very presence.
The fault was not hers, though; it was mine.
I was the one who was flawed, chaotic. The only thing I was certain about was that I had too many uncertainties.
“Shut up, Selene. Don’t say a word,” I snapped abruptly, dragging out the other part of me. The cruel part that I struggled to control and I myself despised.
It was the part that made me lose control, when the world before me looked like nothing so much as psychedelic art—clashing colors, silhouettes, and fluorescent outlines—like I was under the influence of some drug, but it was really just my own anger.
I was my own worst enemy.
I was breathing too fast. All it took was one word to spring the trap of madness in my head.
“I don’t understand why you’re so angry.” Selene got the keys out of her bag with trembling hands and struggled to put them in the lock. Her first attempt failed, and the key ring fell to the floor. She picked it up and tried again.
“Stop quivering like a coward and open the door,” I demanded irritably, and her eyes went wide with fear.
When she finally got the door opened, I followed her into a completely darkened house. Fortunately, her mother hadn’t gotten back yet. Selene flicked on the light switch and then abruptly walked upstairs, not deigning to give me even a glance. So, like the pushy dick that I was, I followed her. I watched her ass as she climbed the stairs, longing to give it a slap.
I was a walking contradiction: I resented her but also wanted to fuck her.
Goddammit.
“No one said you had to follow me,” she scolded, peeling off her coat before she entered her room. I crossed the threshold and immediately appreciated the decor—it was classy and understated. Then I turned my eyes to Selene, who was focused on getting her boots off, revealing oddly colored socks beneath.
“We need to talk,” I told her honestly, scrubbing a hand over my face. I was feeling nervy and restless, like I was about to explode. Something was going to burst out of me and wreck everything. I also knew that I was going to hurt her again. After all, it was what I did best.
I’d become so complicated that I myself didn’t know the first fucking thing about me.
I felt this bitter tiredness inside me.
I felt dejected, defeated by life.
But mostly, I felt alone.
Like I had been since I was a child, when I would hide in my room to lick my wounds like a whipped dog, wandering confused through the empty streets of an inhumane world.
Like when I wiped away the tears that ran down my face. Like when I shut myself up in my shell, where I could protect myself from everyone. Where I felt safe and at no risk of being tied to anyone. I didn’t trust anyone and I couldn’t let myself get caught because that was how you died.
I put up my impenetrable wall to keep out the pain but also the love.
And that was what Selene really didn’t want to understand.
“This isn’t how it’s supposed to go!” I raised my voice, making her gasp. Babygirl bit her lip and held her breath, unsure about what to do next—and even more unsure about how to confront me.
“I didn’t want…” she started to say, but I cut her off. That was my thing, my signature move: I steamrolled over everyone, hearing no explanations.
“You didn’t want what? What the fuck did you not want, Selene?” I snarled manically, and I noticed she was trembling. “You shouldn’t have gotten mixed up with someone like me. That word you were about to say isn’t something that should exist between you and me; you shouldn’t even associate that word with me. What do you not get about this, huh?” I stabbed a finger at her, fully aware that I was overreacting and that she didn’t deserve this kind of treatment, but traumatic memories had overwhelmed me at that point and pushed me over the edge.
I was in free fall, and now I was going to land, crushing the terrified girl in front of me.
“I didn’t mean to say a damned thing! It was the spur of the moment,the whole situation. I didn’t think it through,” she said, clumsily coming to her own defense. And she was lying. I knew her very well by then, and she was an open book to me. I knew she was just trying to shield herself from me, to make up for the serious error she’d made.
“So you weren’t about to tell me that you’ve fallen in love with me?” I asked with a sadistic smile. “Except you clearly would have said just that if I hadn’t stopped you. And you’re not the kind of person who’d say that to just anyone, Selene. You’ve got your own sickness, you know. Lovesickness. But I’m not your cure, and I am not your medicine!” I explained, my words knife-sharp as I cut carelessly into her heart. “I was not born for love, Selene. I make simple things complicated and complicated things impossible. That’s just how I am. It is not my purpose in this life to love anyone. I don’t even understand this fucking love thing. Am I making this clear to you or not?” I twisted the tip of my invisible knife deep in the wound I’d already inflicted, feeding off her pain.
There was so much anger in me that I had become a slave to it. I was so disillusioned with life that I’d grown numb.
I was the fruit of this cruel world. I didn’t have a heart because it had been ripped out of me when I was just a kid.
