I wasn’t like me.
Matt quit talking to me after Selene left, and my mother made it clear how deeply disappointed she was in me. I was trying to live with the awful things I’d said as best I could. I had rubbed Matt Anderson’s face in the fact that I’d screwed his daughter. I told him straight up with zero respect or consideration that I’d lusted after her and considered her just one of many. And, at the same time, I had also hurt Selene.
The truth was, I lied and I acted that way just to get her far away from me, but I could never tell her that.
“Logan, quit busting my balls; you’re starting to piss me off.” I pulled my head out from under the pillow and gave a look that brooked no argument. Except he wasn’t looking at me but rather at the ashtray on the nightstand next to my bed, and I knew another one of his lectures was about to pop off like a machine gun.
“How long did it take you to smoke those?” He narrowed his eyes at the twenty-some butts I’d smoked the night before, looking back at me sternly.
“I couldn’t sleep. Don’t start.” I put the pillow back over my head, sighing in irritation when I felt a sudden draft on my naked back.
“Get up!” Obviously Logan had pulled the blankets off my body, but I still had no intention of listening to him.
“Piss off!” I blurted out angrily. “You’ve got three minutes to get lost.”
“Neil, this has been going on for two weeks. You barely eat; you’re chain-smoking like you’re possessed, and this place looks like the inside of a fucking chimney. And you’ve practically destroyed that wall!” He heaved a worried sigh. Two nights before, I’d had an angry outburst that, unfortunately, I was unable to control. I’d woken everyone up by making multiple holes in the walls.
“I had one of my nightmares.” I took my head out from under the pillow again and rolled over on my back, rubbing a weary hand over my face.
“Sure. You’ve gotten used to the nightmares about Kim, but the ones you’ve been having aren’t about her, are they?” Logan put his hands on his hips and studied me closely. A few moments later I got up wearing only my boxers and brushed past him, yawning. “Neil!” He called out. Obviously, he wasn’t going to shut up, which did nothing for my head. It was already throbbing from another sleepless night. I went into the bathroom and examined my reflection in the mirror. My hair was messy like always, and the deep shadows under my eyes spoke to the stress and mental exhaustion I was feeling. My beginnings of a beard only looked semi-presentable because I’d decided to trim it the day before. My eyes were dull, and my body was tense. I was a fucking bundle of nerves, primed to explode.
“No, Logan. They weren’t about Kim,” I said. I washed my face, trying to wake up and get myself together. The problem was, I just couldn’t get Babygirl out of my head.
I’d even dreamed of Selene the night before, in bed with Luke. He’d kissed her, stripped her, and touched her like only I had done in real life. But that wasn’t easy to admit.
My brother, naturally, followed me into the bathroom to invade my privacy.
“I need to piss,” I said, trying to get him off my back. I waited for him to leave, but he didn’t. He leaned on the doorframe instead and cocked an eyebrow at me, waiting for me to tell him what was going on in my head.
“Your tricks don’t work on me. Tell me about your dream,” he urged.
“No, it’s none of your goddamned business,” I snapped and stalked toward the toilet, patience gone. I did what I needed to do regardless of hispresence, and after flushing, I brushed my teeth. I brushed them neurotically and then did the same with my tongue.
I could still taste that whore Kim in my mouth, and Logan knew it, which was why he just stood there silently, watching me with a thoughtful look on his face. He would give me all the time I needed. He knew that whenever I brushed my teeth or took a shower, I would punish myself. I would make the water freezing or burning, rubbing my skin until it turned red because I could still smell my abuser on me and hear her filthy words inside my head. It disgusted me, what I had become because of her. Sometimes I even imagined scraping all the skin off my body and somehow managing to sew on a new one. But a part of me knew that, even then, I wouldn’t be able to forget her.
That woman had put down roots so deep in my head.
“So?” Logan continued, resuming his interrogation in a calmer, more measured tone. “Why are you smoking so much? And how did you make all those holes in the wall? Let’s hear it…” He jerked his thumb at the damage I’d done to my room and the full ashtray.
I brushed my teeth again, rinsed my mouth, and spit into the sink. Then I sighed heavily.
“The little one I did with a lamp, which I hurled violently at the wall after I had a dream about Luke’s tongue between Selene’s thighs. The big one was from throwing a chair when I dreamed he was fucking her. Happy now?” There it was. My confession.
Luke smiled a faint, wry smile.
“That’s…uh…interesting. So you don’t care about her at all? And you aren’t jealous, right?” he taunted me. His words gave me pause, though. Never before had I felt jealous over one of my lovers. I didn’t even know what the hell jealousy felt like.
I shoulder checked Logan on my way back to my room, though my nerves had twisted up even more because of our conversation.
“That’s right. I’m not,” I answered. “I even told Matt I was just messing around with his daughter,” I informed him.
“I know, you fucked up huge,” he retorted.
I’d never admit it. I’d never tell anyone, least of all my brother, that I hadlied just to make Selene hate me and go back to Detroit. I was very stubborn, and I had already made up my mind. End of discussion.
I angrily pulled on a black sweater and a pair of jeans. Logan watched my every move carefully, determined not to give up so easily.
“You did it because you’re convinced you don’t deserve her, right? Do you think she’d judge you if she found out about your past?” he asked, but I didn’t answer him.
