I knew exactly what he was trying to do. He was trying to sneak his ideas and his thoughts into my head. He wanted to convince me to go after Selene and keep her from hating me—which she already did, but whatever.
“I’m not the type to get stupid over a woman, Logan. I’m no Romeo climbing the balcony to get his Juliet. I’m not going to go to Selene with tears in my eyes and crawl like some worm. If you want to watch a big love scene, then get a DVD or take your girlfriend to the movies because my life is not a fucking romance movie. Now, is that clear to you, or do I need to spell it out in big letters?” I tried to catch my breath after practically vomiting my rage all over him. He was my brother and should have understood me better than anyone, but he didn’t. Hecouldn’tunderstand me.
He didn’t understand that there was no way I could be with Babygirl, not with all the problems I had to solve.
I wasn’t in my right mind.
I didn’t even know where my right mind was, but I was pretty sure I was outside of it. Outside of normal.
And until I could control myself, I could not intertwine my life with hers.
“Would you rather I keep hurting her? Or would you prefer it if she stayed away from me and was happy? Huh? What’s the right choice?” I advanced on him confrontationally. I was trying to back him into a corner and disarm him. “Answer me—which choice was more right, Logan?” I shouted before looking into his eyes and holding that stare. He seemed to consider my question for a second before shaking his head sadly.
“You need help, Neil. You know that, right?” His question was like a knife to my stomach. I felt a cold chill run down my spine.
“You can’t handle this situation on your own anymore. You’re consuming yourself and letting yourself be consumed by your past. Either you saveyourself or…” His words went straight to my brain but also to my chest. They clawed, they stung, and they hurt me.
My brain rejected them and chased them away, refusing to accept them.
“I… I… It’s fine… I’ve got it all under control.” My certainty wavered, but I didn’t fold. I didn’t break. I stayed on my feet. Because I would never again allow anyone—not even someone in my family—to control my mind like Kim had done.
Confronted with the idea of being manipulated like that again, I knew I’d rather die than “save myself.” Perhaps I had already subconsciously started down a dead-end road because I knew that it would lead to my demise and also to my liberation. I didn’t like to say it out loud, I didn’t want to admit it, and I never would have told Logan or Chloe because it would hurt them too much, but I had no other choice.
I had come to believe that it was the only way I’d ever completely rid myself of Kim.
“You don’t have shit under control. The life you’re leading is not normal, and you aren’t—” I didn’t let him finish. My voice overlapped with his presumptuously, full of anger but also resignation.
“My life has never been normal. Since I was a kid and everything changed. I’ve always lived this way, and I can’t keep fighting anymore. Not now. It’s too late, Logan,” I said, my voice breaking.
I felt defeated, like I’d already lost the war. Too often, I wondered where I found the strength to hold on, and more and more lately, I felt like even that strength was failing me. I was on the edge of the precipice. I walked carefully, trying not to fall, but I was beginning to waver. I could no longer bear the weight of my suffering, and with each day that passed, the weight of reality crushed me even more.
“The meds didn’t help me, and neither did years of therapy with Dr. Lively. There’s nothing else to do…” I looked him in the eye. I was telling the truth. I never pretended with Logan. I could be myself with him and actually admit how I was really feeling. His eyes shifted, becoming bright and clear, and I could read real love in them, the only kind I believed in. The kind that had kept me standing for so long and continued to do so even now. But I knew that even that love wasn’t enough.
This life of mine was a great illusion.
A dangerous game.
I’d passed through all the levels and now I’d reached the final one.
I had run.
I had run for years, trying to flee my enemy but now I was slowing down.
I was getting tired.
I was losing.
And my monsters were going to win.
At the end of it all, there was an enormous flashing GAME OVER waiting for me.
I knew it now.
Love could not save me.
Only medicine could do that.
Except that, with me, even medicine had failed.
