Because, secretly, I was still in love with the idea of the two of them together, Matt and Judith. I would have liked to see us reunited as a real family, and I was deluded because that was never going to happen.
Love—illusion. Illusion—love.
It was a dichotomy that was uppermost in my mind, and maybe that’s why I struggled to forgive my father and get over what happened years before.
And there, my secret revealed.
A secret that Matt Anderson would never find out about.
Footsteps from the doorway pulled me out of those musings. I immediately turned my attention to the door and saw Logan approaching with Alyssa. She looked as lovely as ever with her snowy skin and nut-brown hair, which seemed longer than I remembered. Beside her, Logan was slim and beguiling. He immediately gave me a sweet smile.
“Hey, bestie,” Alyssa began, silently asking my permission for a hug. I nodded, and after we’d embraced, she took a chair next to the bed. Logan pressed a kiss to my cheek and sat down on the edge of my bed.
“Hey, you two,” I said, staring at both of them as my mother paced anxiously around the room with her arms crossed.
“How are you? How are you feeling?” Logan asked, turning his hazel eyes on me.
“Like I got into a near-fatal car accident,” I groused, making them grin.
“We were so scared.” Alyssa gripped my hand and tried not to cry.
“I know… I can imagine…” I muttered, my lips twisting in a grimace of sadness.
“When we saw that you hadn’t texted or called about getting home, we were worried, but we thought at first that you’d just forgotten,” Logan explained, sounding distressed.
“Or that you were tired and would call us the next day,” Alyssa put in.
“No, I would have let you know when I got home.” I raised one corner of my mouth in an embarrassed smile.
I stared down at the white blankets covering my legs, and for a second, I thought about telling Logan that my “accident” had been the fault of the same person who ran him off the road. But I bit my tongue and kept quiet instead because something inside told me I needed to save that confession for another time.
“How are you doing?” I asked him instead, because I had noticed that he wasn’t on crutches.
“I’ve got a brace on under my jeans. You can’t even see it.” Logan smiled and patted his leg, obviously glad his condition was improving.
I was so happy to finally hear some good news, but I couldn’t help but think back on what had happened right before I left, to when everything had spiraled out of control before I even realized it. I recalled the moment when Neil’s lips pressed against my forehead and his hand slipped delicately into my coat pocket, depositing inside a pearl encased in glass. It felt like I could hear his voice once again, masculine and low, whispering,“Safe travels, Tinkerbell.”I recalled that fleeting moment: intense and magical but also painful and melancholy.
I wondered where Mr. Disaster was, if he’d ever come to the hospital, or if he’d already erased me from his life. But I’d never been sure of anything before when it came to Neil, and I wasn’t going to start now.
I decided to screw up my courage and ask about him. “Neil… He’s…” I licked my lips as Logan and Alyssa turned their attention to me. “I mean, has he…” I stammered awkwardly. If he had never come at all, if he had chosen instead to spend the last ten days with Jennifer, the rest of the Krew, and his many lovers, Logan and Alyssa would think I was an idiot.
An idiot who thought she meant something to Neil.
“Yeah, he came here every day, hoping you would wake up. He was here this morning, too, but he left a couple of hours ago to shower and change. You know…” Logan let the sentence trail off, but I didn’t need the end of it. By then, I knew all about Neil’s obsession with personal hygiene and showering. I knew how much he hated staying in the same clothes for too long and how upsetting it was for him to go hours without washing.
He had never told me about these problems. In fact, he never confidedin me at all, despite the many times I had tried to understand or excuse him, trampling on my own dignity in the process.
It was for exactly that reason that I had declared my defeat: I had never managed to gain his trust. He had given me only his body, like he’d always done with all the others, and that wasn’t enough for me anymore.
Then, he’d showed me the most twisted and profane side of him, allowing that girl in the pool house to service him while I was right there. He did it to show me exactly who he was and how useless it was for me to attempt to touch his soul. He had made it abundantly clear that the psychological wall he’d constructed around himself was far too thick and insurmountable to be brought down by a naive girl like me.
After all, I hadn’t had much life experience. I’d certainly never come across a man like him before. It was very hard for me to figure out a way to make a dent in that steel armor he put up every time I tried to push the limits he’d imposed on me. And he wanted to annihilate me, no matter what the cost. He wanted to make me understand that he would always come out on top and, in the end, he succeeded.
I no longer knew exactly what I felt for him—disgust, frustration, hatred, or attraction. I’d only be able to understand it when…
“Speak of the devil…” Alyssa’s comment interrupted my train of thought. Instinctively, I turned toward the door, and my heart rose like a paper airplane, ready to be shredded again in Neil’s hands.
My mother’s stride slowed, and she gave him an unreadable look. Knowing her, I suspected she’d never approve of someone like him.
