“Shutup, Matthew!This is- this is-it’s wrong!It’s wrong and it’s ruining me and I can’t-“I pulled at my hair, breathing heavily.
“You don’t get it, you just don’t get it!” I yelled, beginning to pace in a circles, not caring that we were causing a scene in clear view of the rest of the group.
“I’m not supposed to be like this! I’m not! I’m supposed to be normal!”
Matthew’s expression was blank. “Seriously? Is this all because I had sex with you? It was only a few times, Theo, it doesn’t haveto me a reoccurring thing, there’s no need to get all worked up about it, and Dean didn’t-“
“Shut up!”I screamed, “don’t say that again! Don’t you dare say that again! I’m not like this! I can’t be like this! It’s you and the stupid things you say and do, they’re- they’re messing with my head!”
“I- you areunbelievable!”Matthew exclaimed “fucking- just- whatever! Fine! Me, my fucking fault, okay? We can forget anything ever happened, and- and just…don’t you dare try anything with me again, alright? I’m not a toy.”
I didn’t even offer a reply, desperate to get as far away from Matthew as I could before the panic I was feeling consumed me. I managed to make it back to the headquarters, unsure how I’d completed the feat seeing as I could hardly see anything through my haze of tears, before slumping down onto the floor in the hallway, cold sweat running down my body, shaking. I curled up in the nearest corner, unable to ignore thefeeling of a festering in my chest and a buzzing under my skin that wouldn’t go away. I felt my throat closing up, my breaths coming shallow and fast.
I pressed one hand to my chest as I tried to suck in a breath, head spinning.
I leaned forward over my knees, tears stinging at my eyes as I attempted to suck in another desperate breath, but it was more of a panicked wheeze. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breathe,I couldn’t breathe…
CHAPTER 15
Matthew
I hadn’t done anything.
I really hadn’t done anything.
I hated this.
I couldn’t get up. There was no point in getting up. Jack could fuck off. I wasn’t getting out of bed forfucking training.
I hadn’t done anything.
I scratched at the cuts on my wrist, trying to resist the urge to do it again. Nobody would care, anyway. I’d be able to feel something. Or off myself and do Theo a favour; I’d stopruining him.I’d stop being the annoyingwarm mouthruining his life.
Fuck. When would I be enough for anyone?
I felt warm tears run down my face. I hadn’t even noticed them forming.
Why couldn’t I be normal?
When would I just beenough?
Why did he have to hate me so much?
Theo
The pub was loud.
I felt terrible.
And wonderful.
I didn't know which was actually suitable for me at the moment, but I felt a mixture of both. One part of me felt light-headed and dizzy and I wanted to puke all over the wooden floor, but another part of me was actually enjoying it, the strong liquor numbing the non stop panic and anxiety I’d been feeling sinceStryker had been brought home to his dad and I’d fought with Matthew. We hadn’t spoken since, going out of our ways to avoid each other.
Right now, I felt lighter, like I could run for miles until I just collapsed somewhere and dozed off.
I blinked a few times, trying to focus my eyesight again. I was facing the dance floor, sitting on a stool as I leaned against the counter, elbows on the surface with my fingers wrapped loosely around a glass shot. My blue eyes scanned my surroundings, where people were laughing and dancing with each other -grindingwould be a more appropriate term.
I tugged on the collar of my shirt, trying to get some air, the humidity of the room beginning to get to me.
