"My fault," I bit out, so desperate and furious, almost. Furious at myself for falling apart, for not being able to keep Matthew awake, for bringing him to the stupid pub, for not realisingsomething was wrong, for not finding him sooner, for not helping him fight, for sobbing all over Stryker right now, who was already going through enough, who was mourning his dad and his sister and Jack and most definitely Matthew too and didn't need-
"Theo." Stryker's voice broke through the haze in my head "it's really really not your fault"
"I- he- he can't be- Stryker, I can't-" I couldn't even formulate a sentence. My mind was in a frenzy and I couldn't-
"Theo, I get it, believe me, I really do. And you need to take a deep breath for me, okay bud? Deep breath"
"Stryker" I gasped "I can't, I can't, I can't-"
"Hey" Stryker said sharply "Theo, calm down. I get it, but having a panic attack about it right now isn't gonna help anything-“
"Stryker" I repeated, tugging him closer, not caring about how pathetic I sounded.
"please, Stryker, make it stop, make it stop, I don't- I can't - Stryker-“
"ChristTheo" he breathed softly "hey, hey. Buddy, you gotta calm right down, okay? You gotta pull yourself together, bud-“
"Can't" I gasped, shaking my head frantically, the tears not stopping, not even minimally, and the unfaltering sobs alternating with wheezing breathes and choked whimpers and small, panicked gasps "I can't- I can't think, I can't- it hurts, god, Stryker, it hurts-“
"Shh" he shushed soothingly "okay, I understand, okay? Shh" he rubbed my back "breathe" he said, holding me a little closer. I shook my head frantically "my fault" I repeated, breathing ever shallow but speeding up "I- I should have known that- I was- I told him- the pub, the stupid pub- he-my fault, all my fault-“
"Theo" Stryker said firmly "none of us could have known this was going to happen, and he doesn't blame you, he would never blame you and would never want you to blame yourself either-“
"But I do," I sobbed. "I should have seen and- I- and I didn't stop him from leaving, I didn't- I thought-he died because I didn’t follow him out- Stryker-“
"Okay, bud. You've really got to-“
"M gonna be sick" I croaked, scrambling to get my feet back beneath me. Stryker sat back, running a hand through his hair as I stumbled into a corner of the room and retched.
Octavia came in, eyes wide. "What's wrong with him? She asked, “is...” her eyes fell on Matthew’s limp form on the bed and she silenced, swallowing hard.
"I don't...he's having a bit of a breakdown-" Stryker cleared his throat and got off the floor, waiting for me to finish up. Octavia seemed to hesitate, seeming to be wondering whether to say something comforting or nothing at all.
I shivered, sniffed. "Hotshot?”
"Yeah, bud?”
"Why does it- why does it hurt so much?”
Stryker shook his head "I know, bud. I know."
I walked back over and collapsed back into him, sobs wracking my body. Octavia looked scared, like she'd never seen and she'd never expected to see me like this.
"You'll be alright" Stryker whispered. I just shook my head “please” I whispered “please, I want him back, I want him-“
Stryker let out a breath, closing his eyes.
“Leave us.” He said to Octavia. She sent one last look at me and left.
“Theo” he murmured. I let out a soft sob.
“I’m going to have to cancel the meeting with John.”
I’d forgotten about that. Couldn’t even remember what it was for. I swallowed hard “I can-“
“No.” Stryker cut me off, tone gentle “you can’t. Just breathe, try and calm down.”
I shook my head “I-I can’t. Stryker, you get it- you know-“
