I part my lips when his palm comes into contact with my cheek.
“You wouldn’t want to marry me,” I retort, leaning into his touch as he closes the distance and stops right before our lips clash.
“You’re right,” he murmurs against my greedy lips. “I don’twantto marry you, Aoi. Ineedto.”
I scoff and grab his wrist. “Shut up.”
“Make me.”
“No,” I smile. “That’s exactly what you want.”
His tongue darts out over my bottom lip and I shudder at the contact, ignoring my better judgement as I crash my mouth on his and devour that devious self-assurance of his.
I groan against him when he wraps his hands around me and carefully drops me on his lap. Who would’ve thought our movements would be so restricted in a sports car? It doesn’t stop mefrom straddling his thickening erection poking me through his pants. My heart races faster as my mind takes in how hard he is because of me.
Hewants meand isn’t scared to show it.
“Focus on me, my Paradise,” he murmurs into the kiss, cupping my ass, and grinding me against his boner.
The look he shoots me when my eyes flutter open is one I want to capture and anchor deeply into my memories so I can play it on repeat until I grow sick of it.
“You have no idea how hard it is.”
“Tell me.” He targets my neck and leaves a trail of love bites as I squirm in his embrace. “I want to know every thought in your mind. As fleeting as they may be. Give them all to me.”
I gasp when he sinks his teeth into my collar and my dick strains against my suit pants. “I don’t think what we’re doing is right. I know how you feel about me, and I like being the recipient of your affection.”
“But?” he asks, curling his arms around my waist and hugging me almost like he’s scared I’ll disappear.
And maybe I will.
“But you deserve someone who will love you proudly and treat you like the sweetheart you are. You deserve to be with someone who will never abandon you when things get tough. I like you, Andrew. I want to be with you, but I know I’m not the right person for you.” I sigh and tip his head back, forcing him to look at me. “Are you crying?”
“No,” he sniffles. “I just don’t understand. The only one who should say whether you’re good for me, is me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, wiping his tears with my thumbs. “I shouldn’t have entertained this so long. I was being greedy and selfish because you’ve made me happier these past days than I’ve been in years.”
Fuck finding out if he’s the man I hooked up with. It doesn’t matter anymore, not when I’m inevitably breaking an innocent person’s heart. Even if it were him, what will I win by having confirmation?
It was an excuse since the beginning that allowed me to pursue my selfish heart’s desires.
He shakes his head and tightens his grip on my waist. “Tell me the truth then. If you want to reject me and break my heart then at least tell me therealreason.”
I’m terrified that if I let myself fall harder for him, I’ll end up losing him, too. Everyone I’ve loved left me behind, and I know he will too when he sees the rotten roots clawing out of my flesh. He hasn’t seen just how unsightly I am yet, and I can’t take the thought of him finding out what I’ve done.
A chain wraps around my heart and squeezes my flesh until I slump against him. “You want the truth?”
He nods, stroking the back of my head. “Please.”
“I’ll inevitably leave you. I know I’ll end up hurting you, over and over again. I’m fucked up, Sweetheart. There’s something wrong with my head that makes me chose pain over healing. It’s easier to destroy myself and hurt those I care about than seek help and get better.”
He cups my cheek and kisses my lips delicately, almost desperately. “Hurt me if you must. I’ve been through hell to getwhere I am now with you in my arms. Without you, I don’t see the point of living. So what if there’s something wrong with you? I don’t care, I love you. All of you.”
“I’mbroken, Andrew! I can’t remember a time when I was still whole.” I inhale his cologne and shut my eyes at the comforting scent. “My entire life, I’ve been searching for a reason to be alive. Something that makes my heart beat and pushes me to wake up every day. But I don’t know how it feels to breathe without being in constant pain.”
He gently detaches me from his neck and cups my jaw. “Is that why you hurt yourself?”
“I don’t rememberwhyI did it. If that doesn’t show you how fucked up my mind is, I don’t know what will.” I cover my face with my hands and bite my quivering lip. “I hate myself, Andrew. Every day it’s the same. I’m so tired of dragging my rotten flesh around and forcing myself to breathe when all I want is to let go. How can I love you when I can’t even lovemyself?”
