Andrew has this strange ability to awaken slumbering emotions in me and melancholic memories that I would rather remained buried for eternity.
“You still owe me a secret.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Have you ever been in love?” he asks, tracing circles on my shoulder.
“I once thought I had,” I admit. “There was once a man that kissed my loneliness away every night as he held me in his arms. But I soon realized he didn’t love me like that.”
“Like a lover?”
“Like an equal."
“Oh.”
“An individual rather than an extension of himself. But I don’t think he’s ever seen me as more than something to possess. I’ve wanted his approval and affection all my life but after my last attempt, something clicked in me.”
He watches me attentively, tangling his legs with mine. “What is it?”
“I’m nothing if I’m not serving someone’s needs.”
He stops his soft movement on my shoulder and tips my chin up to meet his gaze. “You’re beyond extraordinary and there is no reason why you would need to be useful for your existence to have importance.”
“I wish I could think that way. Your brain must be a soft cloud of sunshine if you can say such things and easily believe them.”
I hate how self-deprecating I am, and I’m sure he must be annoyed and repulsed by my attitude. He must be trying to suppresshis frustration because there’s no way someone as perfect as him would love every ugly piece of me.
“Maybe your mind is just clouded with fear,” he murmurs against my lips, and I shut my eyes at the feel of his breath. “You deserve to be loved for who you are. No one in the world can tell you that you don’t matter unless you mean something to someone. All that matters is you, Aoi.”
“Andrew…”
“You’re everything.”
I want to believe him. If what he says is true and I am more than a tool to fulfill other’s needs, then why is it so hard to believe?
“To whom?” I ask despite my better judgment. “Do you say that because of your feelings for me? Don’t you think that proves my point? That I only exist to fulfill someone else’s needs?”
He shakes his head and leans his forehead against mine. “I don’t want anything from you that you’re not willing to give me out of your own will, Aoi.You own me. All of me. My heart, my body and my soul. Even without me to love you, you exist in abundance. In every corner of the world, I see your smile, hear your laughter and find your mark of kindness. You don’t need to be something you’re not, for the sake of being loved.”
“But what if I want that affection? What if without it, I don’t know how to exist?”
A soft smile curls his lips as he intertwines our fingers. “Then I will shower you in so much love and affection until you feel so utterly loved that you won’t ever need to question your worth anymore. And once that’s done, believe me, you’ll realize how perfect you are.” He kisses the back of my hand. “You’re enough.More than enough. You can’t imagine how proud I am of the person you’ve become.”
How can it be that the words I’ve always wanted to hear, are spoken by a man I have met barely a few days ago. And why, when all I try to do is run from what I truly want, does his soul sing to me?
“Do you love me?”
The smile he offers me is so radiant I almost wince. “More than anything in the world, my Paradise.”
I like the sound of that. The idea that my mereexistenceis enough for him.
His Paradise.
He doesn’t want me to fulfill his needs, doesn’t want to own me. Justto bemine.
35
Aoi
