Have I ever done anything for myself? Have I ever wanted something enough to push through?
A sharp sting in my head makes me wince, and I bury my face in my pillow. Don’t try to remember. Memories only hurt. Even if there was once joy among the pain, it’s now long forgotten.
The soft buzzing of my phone on the navy covers rips me out of my daze. Without a second thought, I reach for it and answer. “Yes?”
“Aoi, my man!” Sally’s enthusiastic voice roars.
“Hey, what’s up?” I smile despite myself.
She giggles, and I can tell she’s walking away from the loud noise of a street behind her. “The girls and I are going out tonight, wanna join?”
It’s tempting, but I have no reason to go. She’s probably only asking to be polite, and even if she actually wants me there, she’ll be fine if I stay behind.
I stare at the emptiness, fingers gliding over the fabric of the blanket. “I don’t know.”
“Aw, come on! We haven’t met up in ages! I miss you.” Her voice softens on the last part, and a sharp sting in my chest makes me wince, forcing me to sit upright on the edge of the bed.
Truthfully, I don’t hate the idea as much as I’m pretending to. Meeting up with them again is an opportunity to hang out with people I love and who make me feel accepted. She and I have always been especially close in college, and even though I tried to keep my distance, she always clung to me. As if she knew I would drift away once she let go.
“Alright, I’ll come.”
“Perfect! Meet us at the Red Sparks downtown. We’ll be waiting at a table for you.” She hangs up, and I stare at my lock screen. A picture of the girls and me back in uni.
Sally is a breath of fresh air, but too much oxygen is bound to make you dizzy.
I push myself off the bed and head toward the half-empty closet. I haven’t yet unpacked all of my clothes. After all, this hotel room is only temporary. Everything is, me included.
Either way, it doesn’t matter where I reside. It’s all the same in the end–four walls and a roof don’t make a home.
I pull out a simple V-neck, black sweater, and a pair of black slacks. There’s no need to get dressed up for a simple evening in a bar. It’s a bit chilly at night but not nearly enough to need a coat. My hair is still slightly damp, but there’s no way I’m blow-drying it in late spring. I slide on some socks and a pair of black Converse.
As they say, less is more.
Once I’m fully dressed, I rush out of the hotel and inhale sharply, my lungs expanding, and the tension in my temple easing. My thoughts drift with the breeze caressing my skin, transporting me back to that vague feeling of not constantly wondering what life is all about.
When did I start drowning my soul in existential questions?
I miss those days when I was younger and carefree, when nothing could bring me down.
It now feels like a hundredyears ago.
3
Visha
Slick with sweat, I stare at the ceiling, waiting for my heart to stop hammering in my chest.
I still can’t sleep without him. It’s no use trying. I grab the frame on the nightstand and slide my thumb over the picture. Ocean blue eyes stare back at me, trapped in time.
I miss you, Aoi.
Hugging the picture between my arms, I sigh. I don’t bother holding back the tears streaming down my face as they stain the pillow. It’s the same every night ever since I lost him eight years ago. My nightmares surge through my brain and haul me out of my sleep, leaving me to relive my failed existence until I finally stop trying to fall asleep.
When I still lived with Aoi, I slept like a baby on a cloud. Now, I can barely catch four hours of sleep before I am jolted awake by a nightmare.
Sometimes it’s images of centipedes crawling over my limbs and morphing into large, calloused hands kneading my bleedingskin. Other times, it’s a remixed tape of every moment lived with Aoi, with an echoing voice reminding me that I abandoned the only thing that I genuinely wanted.
He was in the palm of my hand, but I lost him. I need him back. Without him, I’m nothing. He’s everything I’ve ever needed.
