I want to go home.
Images of everyone I’ve ever cared about flash through my mind. Laughter, screams, and cries echo against the walls of my subconscious. I reach for the sky and glimpse at the stars as they melt into the sparkly water, crying with me.
Honey eyes take form under the moonlight and that’s when it hits me.
Regret. Guilt.
I made a mistake.
Visha’s smile, his yearning touches as he kissed my scar and promised to cherish me until the end of times are all I can think of as spots fill my vision and my lungs clog with water.
It submerges me, wrapping around my limbs like tentacles and dragging me deeper and deeper to the bottom of the lake. Shaping the lake into a coffin for my sorrows.
Bubbles rise to the surface as something violently yanks at my waist and I feel the thread of my sanity slip out of my hand.
55
Visha
My phone buzzes on the passenger seat and I glance at it.
Amira.
I grab the device and read her text.
AMIRA
I don’t know if I did the right thing, but I thought you might want to read his letter.
My heart almost stalls when I read the last word and see the picture she sent. I don’t click on it right away and throw the phone back on the seat, too busy paying attention to the road ahead to think of doing something as stupid as reading his letter.
I’m angry, I admit it.
How could he do this to me? To his friends? I knew he was hurting but he knew we would do anything to help him. Why did he choose such an irreversible option instead?
Why? Fuck, Aoi why?
I slam my palm on the steering wheel and pull over on the side of the road. My eyes wander to the lit screen, and I reach for it, staring at the picture but unable to open it.
I can’t. What if he says in it that he hates me for hurting him and that he couldn’t bear this anymore because of what I did to him?
Is it my fault? Did I push him to take his own life?
My vision blurs and I clench the device in my hand, thoughts wandering to my mistakes. So many mistakes. I hurt him, lied to him, betrayed his trust and broke his heart because I’m a selfish piece of shit.
It’s my fault.
Everything is my fault.
And now he’s…
I raise my head and click on the picture.
I have been struggling for my entire life, so no, this is not your fault. I tried to keep breathing while pretending I wasn’t drowning, but I can’t take it anymore. I’m sorry that this is how I’m doing it, but it’s the best for everyone. This burden is one I have been carrying for too long. I hate myself for the things I’ve done. I don’t regret holding on for so long because it means I got to spend time with the people I love the most. Amira, Elena, Sally and despite it all, you too Visha. This world took everything from me and I’m too well aware that my time has run out. In the end, love wasn’t enough. I wish it had been.
I love you, I do, and I’m sorry for leaving like this, but I’m exhausted. My time has come and I don’t regret my decision. And Visha, it’s not your fault. Remember the good times for me.
-Aoi
