I’m fucking laughable for considering saying yes to her. I never admitted it out loud. Never have I ever thought I’d everconfess my self-loathing to someone that baths in sunlight such as Amira.
“I got into an argument with Visha.”
Her voice transmits the smile on her lips. “I see,” she replies, as if it made complete sense. As if she didn’t need more to understand the stupid reason why I’m so upset. “I always knew you made that boy an unattainable mountain.”
“I don’t do that.”
“You see him like you see Maia.”
My sweet Maia.
I stop walking and stare at the glistening lake. “He’s my family. Of course I regard him highly. You love your siblings as well.”
“You’re not wrong but you know that it’s not the same,” she points out. “You might’ve unconsciously tried to replace your family with Visha.”
“Man, I suck. Do you really think that’s all I feel for him? That he’s a mere replacement for my sister?” I ask, more offended than I wish I sounded.
Amira’s tone carefully adjusts to my outburst. “Aoi, I know how you see it but it’s common for someone who lost as many loved ones as you did in such a short period of time, to use a new person as a replacement for the joy they lost. Visha didn’t have anyone else after all, so he neededyou. You gave him a home and a future. Don’t you think that deep down, you were always dependent on the fact that he needed you to survive?”
I inch closer to the border and stare down at the pitch-black bottom of the water. “Without him, I have nothing.”
“You associated him with hope and happiness. I think to the point that you’ve forgotten how to live without him. So, his words hold more importance than you think. Which is why you’re as affected as you are at the moment.” She sighs. “You would’ve never called me if that wasn’t the case. You’re too focused keeping your problems and feelings to yourself to ever consider reaching out to me or Elena and Sally.”
She’s right. No matter how hard it becomes to breathe because my skin is burning, I’d rather choke on the smoke than ask for help.
I swallow the lump in my throat. “He said-” I shut my eyes, clutching my chest, and holding the phone with more force than needed. “He said that the reason why I sacrifice myself isn’t because I love him. It’s because I don’t value myself.”
“And you believed it?”
“You wouldn’t?”
She laughs not out of mockery but because she must have expected my answer. “You have the tendency to take negative comments to heart and completely disregard positive ones. Visha didn’t mean a word he said.”
“But he was right. Amira, he might’ve not meant it, but I know it’s true.” My eyes peel open. “I do. I do and I can’t stop…”
My breathing is a mess and so am I. I can’t even say out loud that I fucking despise myself. I make myself sick.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say it if it’s too hard. You should go home and sleep the alcohol off then talk to him. Let him explain himself and you’ll see that he never meant a word he said.”
She’s right. But I can’t go home now. How can I look him in the eyes after running away from the truth like a coward?
“Do you wanna tell me why you fought in the first place?”
I shake my head before remembering that she’s not next to me and thus I voice my answer. “No, it’s stupid.”
“Is it really stupid or do you say it is because you don’t think it matters enough to be addressed?”
“I hate you, you know?” I slide my fingers over the hem of my sweater. “Why do you always play the therapist?”
She laughs. “You called me because you needed this so stop whining and spill the beans.”
“Fine. Fine.” I suck in a breath and feel the haze in my mind slowly fade. “He got jealous of my supposed preference for Jason and threw a tantrum. One thing led to another, and we began arguing over I don’t even know what until he said that thing and I ran away like a scared cat.”
“You ran away and left a confused and upset fifteen years old alone in your appartement? Aoi, are you kidding me?”
I wince. “I know that was immature, but I couldn’t stand there and listen to him say how pathetic I am.”
She groans on the other end of the phone. “How long have you been out and drinking?”
