And then there were his texts.
Every mornin’ before I even opened my eyes, the notifications would be sittin’ there, his messages stacked on top of each other like he was scared to leave any part of what he felt unsaid.
Good mornin’, baby.
I love you.
I miss you.
I hope today feel lighter for you.
I’m right here if you need me.
Always.
And I’on know… maybe it was the therapy or maybe I was just tired of bein’ angry, but I started respondin’, but just with lil’ messages, nothin’ deep. Sometimes I said, “thank you,” sometimes “you too,” or sometimes a heart when he said somethin’ that made my stomach warm up a lil’.. It wasn’t much, but it was more than the silence we had been drownin’ in.
Sha’Nelle saw the way my expression softened when his name crossed my mind, and she smirked even wider. “Mhmm, I see that shy-ass smile. Bitch, don’t play with me.”
“I ain’t smilin’ about no nigga,” I lied.
“You a damn lie,” she said, laughin’, grabbin’ her shot glass again just to sip the leftover drops.
I sucked my teeth and tried to wave her off, but she was right. I wouldn’t say it out loud, but havin’ him reach for me in a way he never did before made somethin’ in me loosen. I wasn’t ready to run back. I wasn’t even sure what we was supposed to be rightnow. But it felt nice to not feel like the whole world was fallin’ apart every time I thought about him.
I sat next to her and leaned back on my hands, feelin’ the alcohol hit my system. “I’m just… takin’ shit slow. I’on know what me and ‘Lo gon’ be, and I’m not rushin’ nothin’ ‘cause I gotta get myself together first, but I’m not gon’ lie like his texts don’t make me feel a lil’ somethin’. He not arguin’ or pushin’ me like he usually do. He just… lovin’ me from far away.”
Sha’Nelle nodded, her voice softenin’ just a touch. “And that’s what you deserve, Toni. A break. Some gentleness, and some love that don’t hurt.”
I let out a breath and nodded ‘cause she was right. Therapy had been openin’ my eyes to shit I ain’t even know I needed to look at, and now that I was lookin’, I couldn’t unsee any of it. I was learnin’ how heavy my own heart had been, and how many things I had been holdin’ inside without even knowin’ it. I was learnin’ how to take shit one day at a time, even when the day hurt, but tonight wasn’t about pain.
Tonight was about gettin’ cute, gettin’ drunk, and gettin’ out the house before I fell back into my old habits of layin’ in bed scrollin’ through my thoughts until they swallowed me whole.
Sha’Nelle grabbed her clutch purse and bounced up from the bed, her heels clickin’ against the floor as we headed downstairs and toward the door.
As we walked, our perfumes trailed behind us with our spirits sittin’ high enough to touch the ceilin’.
When we stepped out the door, I looked up at the sky and smiled ‘cause my life was still a damn mess, but I was startin’ to see a version of myself that wasn’t terrified of tryin’ again.
And maybe, I could see a version of me that wasn’t terrified of lovin’ Kay’Lo again either.
But tonight wasn’t about him.
Tonight was about me.
“A’ight, bitch,” I said, linkin’ arms with Sha’Nelle as we headed to the car. “Let’s go turn the fuck up.”
And just like that, the night opened up its arms and let us in.
DRAHMA TOWN
I already had two mixed drinks in my system and I was feelin’ good as fuck. The bass was runnin’ through my chest, the lights was flashin’ in every color, and Sha’Nelle had me screamin’ lyrics in her ear while she threw her hair around like she was on somebody stage. I wasn’t thinkin’ about no stress. I was just tryna breathe for once without feelin’ like the world was beatin’ my ass.
Sha’Nelle grabbed my hand and spun me like we was in a damn music video and I laughed so hard I had to hold on to her shoulder. Every time the hook dropped we hit it louder, cups in the air and hips movin’ with the beat while the whole club turned into one loud blur of perfume, liquor and sweat.
I bent over a lil’ when the DJ switched the song and put my hands on my thighs as the beat came in. I let my hips move slow, rollin’ into the music just ‘cause it felt good to feel good. That’s when I felt eyes on me. It was some heavy ass stare that made my skin warm up without nobody touchin’ me.
I looked up and saw a dark skinned nigga with a low cut and a clean face. He ain’t have on heavy jewelry or a loud outfit. He just rocked a nice ass watch, a simple chain and a smile that said he knew he looked good without tryin’ hard.
