“And when someone you love becomes intense or emotional,” she continued gently, “you do not shut down because you stop caring. You shut down because your mind believes that your body is in danger of being too much. You disappear so you will not be blamed or abandoned.”
I stared at the rug ‘cause lookin’ at her felt too real.
“Toni,” she said softly, “you love your husband. That is obvious, but you also love him from a place that has been conditioned to fear needin’ him. You do not ask for comfort because you do not believe comfort belongs to you. You do not tell him what hurts you because you feel like you are not allowed to need reassurance. And when things go wrong, you disappear because you learned that disappearing keeps the peace.”
Somethin’ inside me shifted slow, almost like somethin’ in my spirit was wakin’ up.
She leaned forward a lil’.
“And when you feel overwhelmed with love for him, or overwhelmed with fear of losing him, your mind goes straight back to nine-year-old Toni who never had the chance to feel safe. That little girl takes over. Not because you are weak, but because no one ever taught her that she deserves to be loved without disappearing.”
My eyes burned but I ain’t not cry.
“So I’m the problem? Am I bad with men ‘cause of what happened to me?” I asked, even though I didn’t want the answer.
“No,” she said immediately. “Toni, you don’t respond to men well because the men who should have protected you were the ones who hurt you. Your nervous system doesn’t know the difference between past danger and current stress. Your husband’s intensity isn’t always danger, but your body doesn’t know that yet.”
Her words sank into me slow, like warm water finally hittin’ a cold spot.
I took a long breath and wiped under my eyes.
“So what I’m supposed to do?”
“You’re supposed to heal,” she said gently. “You’re supposed to learn who Toni is when she isn’t shut down. Once you do that, you’ll be able to see your marriage more clearly. You’ll knowwhether to fight for it or walk away from it. Not from fear or hurt, but from clarity.”
I nodded slow ‘cause for the first time in my life, clarity actually felt possible.
“And Toni,” she said, lookin’ me in my eyes, “loving your husband isn’t the problem. Not understanding your own wounds is. But now that you’re here, you’ve already taken the first step to fix that.”
I ain’t say nothin’ for a long moment ‘cause the truth was sittin’ too heavy on my shoulders to even speak on yet.
When the session ended, I walked out the office feelin’ drained but lighter at the same time. I ain’t magically have all the answers, but I had somethin’ I never had before. I had the language for my pain.
And just maybe, I finally had a way to figure out whether me and Kay’Lo could make it… or if I had to learn how to move on without him.
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
It was Friday night and a bitch was feelin’ good. Me and Sha’Nelle had been in my room damn near two hours gettin’ dressed, doin’ our makeup, fixin’ our hair, and hypin’ each other up like we didn’t both already know we looked fine as hell. She had her playlist runnin’ on the speaker and every song felt like it was hittin’ my spirit a lil’ sweeter than usual. Maybe it was the therapy, maybe it was the space I finally felt like I could breathe in, or maybe it was the fact that I was finally ready to celebrate myself without fallin’ apart inside.
Sha’Nelle was in the mirror applyin’ her lip gloss like she was about to walk out the house and find her future husband. She looked over at me with that smirk she always had when she knewI was in a good mood and let out a loud, “Okay, bitch, this beat is eatin’ you the fuck up! You look good as hell, Toni!”
I laughed and smoothed my hands over my hips ‘cause she wasn’t lyin’ and I knew it. “It better be eatin’, I spent half my fuckin’ life puttin’ this makeup on. You see this highlight? I glowed up for real.”
We already had two empty shot glasses sittin’ on my dresser and another filled one waitin’ on us. The Patron bottle was open and callin’ our names, and Sha’Nelle grabbed it first, pourin’ us both another shot. She grinned, handed me mine, and held hers up.
“To new beginnings, bitch,” she said.
I clinked mine against hers ‘cause she meant that and I felt that. “To new beginnings.”
We threw the shots back at the same time, and the warmth slid through my chest. I tapped the corner of my mouth and let out a laugh ‘cause I ain’t felt this light since before everything with Kay’Lo blew up in my face.
And even with everything that happened, even with the divorce sittin’ in motion and us livin’ apart, tonight felt like a breath of fresh air. I had been to therapy twice already, which was somethin’ I never thought I’d even try, and now I had another appointment scheduled that I wasn’t even dreadin’. And the crazy shit was… I felt good. Of course, I ain’t feel perfect and healed, but good enough to smile without feelin’ like my heart was splittin’ open.
Sha’Nelle plopped down on my bed while I grabbed my purse and slid my phone inside. “You know Kay’Lo gon’ lose his whole damn mind when he realize you steppin’ out lookin’ like this.”
I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t hide the lil’ smirk that pulled at my mouth. “Bitch, please.”
But she wasn’t wrong. Kay’Lo had been on a whole new kind of time these past couple weeks. Flowers showed up atthe mansion every mornin’ like clockwork. It was big ass luxury bouquets that damn near needed they own room. I tried to play it cool, but it was hard not to feel somethin’ every time I walked past the kitchen and saw roses taller than my damn thigh sittin’ on the counter.
