Dream sucked her teeth so loud I pulled the phone back from my ear. “Bitch? So he don’t let you do nothin’ to him?”
“No. And that’s what I’m telling you. It’s like he only want the part where he fuck me, because as soon as we done he get up and go sit somewhere like something wrong. That’s why I’m confused. I know he got the potential to be freaky as hell. I feel it when he fuckg me, but it’s like it stop right there.”
“Do you think it’s because of his wife?” Dream asked. “Maybe he feel weird about doing certain shit with you because he still got feelings for her. Do you think they still sleepin’ together?”
I rolled my eyes even though that question hit me right in the part of me I kept trying to ignore. “Bitch, no, I don’t wanna think about none of that, and honestly he fuck me all the time, so when would he even have time to sleep with her? He with me half the week, and when he not with me, he either at work.
“You don’t sound too sure,” Dream said.
“I am sure,” I lied because the insecurity in my voice was embarrassing me even to myself. “Look, I know he going through something. I can tell. And I’m tryna be what he need. I rub his back when he look stressed, I try to understand him, I been patient as hell with him, and I even pop up at his job with lunch like some damn girlfriend because I want to show him that I’m cut like that. But every time I get too close, he pull back.”
Dream hummed like she was thinking. “Maybe he just not ready to open up. You said before he disappear in the middle of the night, right?”
“Yes. He get up and leave the bed, and then he come back like nothing happened. Sometimes I hear him outside the door pacing, and talking low like he mad at someone. One time I even heard him knock on the door like he wanted me to open it, but when I did he just stood there looking crazy. I don’t know what that was about. I don’t know if he sleepwalking or if something going on in his head. He never explains it.”
“And you still wanna be with him?” Dream asked.
“Yes,” I said without even hesitating because that was my biggest problem. I wanted him even when he confused me. I wanted him even when he acted like I wasn’t enough. “I wanna be the one he open up to. I wanna be the one he trust. I know that man been through something he don’t talk about, and if he let me in just a little I swear he would see I’m not like these other bitches he used to deal with.”
“That’s probably why his wife not with him,” Dream said. “Maybe she know somethin’. Maybe she saw the real him.”
I sat up because that comment pissed me off before I even understood why. “No, it’s because she weak. I knew she was weak the second she looked at my story of me and that nigga and didn’t say a damn thing. If that was my husband on another bitch page, I would’ve said something. She ain’t say nothin’. She ain’t do nothin’. She weak, and it’s clear that they not together for real.”
Dream laughed under her breath. “Echo, girl, you sound like you tryna convince yourself of somethin’.”
“I’m not. I’m just saying the truth. If she really wanted him or they were actually together, she would be fighting harder. I’m the one doing the work. I’m the one trying to show Kay’Lo I can be there for him.”
Dream sat in silence for a few seconds before she said, “Do you think he’s gonna eventually divorce her?”
The question shut me right up because that was the one thing I never liked to think too long about. I let the silence drag because I didn’t want to admit to myself or to Dream that I didn’t actually know. Kay’Lo never mentioned divorcing his wife. He never even talked about her when I tried to bring her up. The most I got out of him was a shrug or a change of subject, yet here I was, letting myself fall for a man who still wore a ring sometimes.
I swallowed and forced myself to say what would protect my ego. “Yeah. I think he will. I really do. He wouldn’t be with me like this if he didn’t want something real.”
Even though the words came out smooth and confident, I felt that familiar twist in my gut that told me I was lying to myself. I didn’t know what Kay’Lo wanted. Half the time I didn’t even know if he liked me for real or if I was just filling some empty space in his life while he tried to figure himself out. The only thing I could cling to was the way he fucked me, the way he held me sometimes and the way he didn’t push me out of his life even when he seemed lost or angry or somewhere far away in his head.
I fell back on the bed again and stared at the ceiling with my phone pressed to my ear. “Dream, I swear this man gon’ be the end of me.”
Dream laughed softly like she understood. “You already deep in it, girl. If you feel like he worth fightin’ for, then fight for him. Just make sure you not fightin’ for somebody who ain’t gon’ fight for you back.”
Her words sat on me heavier than I wanted them to. I didn’t say anything for a moment because the truth was starting to creep in even though I kept trying to push it out. I didn’t know if Kay’Lo was ever gon’ give me more than what I had already, butI also didn’t know how to walk away from him. He had a hold on me I wasn’t ready to break, even if the hold wasn’t as strong as I wanted it to be.
While Dream kept talking, I stared at the screen of my phone like a text from him might pop up any second. I wanted him to tell me he was on his way back. I wanted him to show me I mattered. I wanted him to treat me like I was the one, even though he had never said or done anything that confirmed it. And even though I hated admitting it, I wanted him to choose me.
I wanted him to choose me over his wife.
I wanted him to choose me over whatever demons he kept fighting in the dark.
And that want, mixed with the insecurity I kept trying to drown out, was the real reason I couldn’t let him go.
‘Lo Motion Customs
Days later…
It was another day at the shop, and I was buried deep in a project. I had a brand-new Ferrari SF90 Spider in the bay and a two-seater sittin’ clean as hell. I was givin’ it a satin black wrap with red accents that hit under the lights like lava. The doors was off, the dash was open, and I had custom speakers laid out on the workbench ready to install. Everything about the car was loud as hell in but in a smooth type of way, and even though my mind had been scattered as fuck lately, I could at least lose myself in this for a minute.
My employees was movin’ through the shop, people was talkin’, tools clinkin’, and I was in the zone. Then one of my guysjogged up to me and tapped my shoulder like he had somethin’ urgent to tell me.
“Aye, ‘Lo… somebody outside askin’ for you.”
