I leaned my head back against the seat and let myself cry for a moment, silent and ugly, my chest hurtin’ like I was mournin’ somethin’ that wasn’t even dead yet but felt like it was slippin’ through my fingers anyway.
After a minute, I wiped my face, took a few shaky breaths, and pulled back onto the road.
A few minutes later, my phone rang again, and this time it was Sha’Nelle. I answered quick, already tryna adjust my voice.
“Hey,” I said, forcin’ it light even though my throat was still tight.
“Where you at?” she asked. “I’m outside.”
“I’m almost there,” I replied, but my voice cracked halfway through the sentence.
There was a pause. “Bitch,” she said slowly. “You good?”
“Yeah,” I lied, even though the word came out rough and weak. “I’m straight.”
She ain’t believe me. I could hear it in the way she went quiet.
“A’ight,” she said. “I’ll see you in a minute.”
By the time I pulled up to the airport, my face felt tight and sore from cryin’, and my eyes was puffy as hell. I parked quick and hopped out the car, my heart sinkin’ when I saw Sha’Nelle standin’ there with her luggage, lookin’ around like she was expectin’ me to pull up smilin’ and loud like I always did.
This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.
I walked toward her, my steps slow and heavy, already feelin’ ashamed that this was the version of me she was gettin’ after months apart. I had pictured this moment so different. I wanted hugs, jokes, laughter and music blarin’ on the ride back to the mansion.
The second Sha’Nelle looked at my face, her expression changed.
She ain’t say nothin’. She ain’t even reach for her bag.
She just let the handle go and stepped into me, wrappin’ her arms around me tight like she already knew.
That was all it took.
I broke.
I buried my face in her shoulder and cried right there in front of the airport, my body shakin’ even though I tried to hold ittogether. Sha’Nelle held me tighter, rubbin’ my back slow, lettin’ me fall apart without askin’ questions or rushin’ me to explain.
“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I got you.”
Those words hit me harder than anything else had all day, and I cried harder, clingin’ to her like I had been waitin’ for this moment without even realizin’ it.
This was my cousin. My sister. My safe place.
And right now, I needed her more than ever.
Drahma Town
I had been ridin’ around all fuckin’ day just to ease my mind, drivin’ with no real destination. Every red light felt longer than it needed to be, and every street I turned down looked the same, like I was stuck in some loop I couldn’t break out of. Part of me kept thinkin’ I should just go home and fix this shit with Toni, sit her down and say what I should have said the right way, but another part of me was tired as hell of always bein’ the one to bend first and explain myself like my feelin’s was some inconvenience.
I replayed the argument over and over in my head, and no matter how many times I ran it back, I still hated myself for sayin’ some of the shit I said. I knew damn well I crossed a line, and I knew there was no takin’ certain shit back once it left mymouth. But that ain’t change the fact that I was hurt though, and I was sick of feelin’ like every time I expressed that hurt, I got painted like I was doin’ too much just ‘cause I feel shit deep. That’s been my whole problem my whole life. I ain’t half feel shit. When I love, I love all the fuckin’ way, and when I hurt, it sit in my chest like a weight I can’t shake.
I gripped the wheel tighter as I thought about how tired I was of not bein’ heard. I had been talkin’ to Toni, or at least I thought I was, but somehow it always felt like she heard the parts she wanted to hear and ignored the rest. I was at the point where I ain’t even know how to talk without feelin’ like I needed to protect myself from what might come back at me. So instead of speakin’, and blowin’ her up like I wanted to, I was startin’ to shut down, and that scared me more than anything else because that ain’t who I am with my wife.
I ain’t never felt like I wanted to break down and cry over no woman before. Toni was the only one who ever broke me down to that level. She was the only one who could have me sittin’ alone in my car with my jaw tight as fuck and my eyes burnin’, fightin’ the urge to just let that shit out. That realization alone pissed me off ‘cause I hated how much power that gave her over me, and at the same time, it reminded me of why I loved her in the first place.
I thought about all the ways I tried to bend my own views of life just to adapt to hers, how I softened parts of myself I never thought I would soften just to make her feel safe and happy. I thought about the nights we spent smokin’ together, just laid up talkin’ about everything and nothin’, laughin’ at dumb shit, and feelin’ like the world ain’t even exist outside the walls we built. I thought about the way we made love, how it always felt like more than just sex, like we was connectin’ on some level that ain’t everybody get to touch. We had been there for each other in ourdarkest hours, seen each other at our worst, and still chose each other every time.
That’s why this shit hurt so bad.
