Pickin’ up the prescription was quick, but holdin’ that lil’ bag in my hand felt like holdin’ a secret that weighed more than it should have. I stared at it in the car before pullin’ off, askin’ myself if I was really doin’ the right thing or if I was just delayin’ an inevitable conversation. My mind kept goin’ back to Kay’Lo, to the way he looked at me when he realized somethin’ was off, and the guilt crept up my spine like it was tryna choke me.
By the time I pulled back into the mansion driveway, my chest was tight again. I walked inside slow, half expectin’ to hear Kay’Lo’s voice or see his shoes by the door, but the house was quiet. Relief washed over me instantly, and I hated myself a lil’ for feelin’ it. I set my purse down, walked through the area like I was tryna make sure he really wasn’t there, and when I confirmed I was alone, I finally let out the breath I been holdin’.
I tucked the pills away like they was contraband, hidin’ them somewhere I knew he wouldn’t look, which was in my night stand under a stack of journals and stood there for a minute starin’ at nothin’. A part of me felt like a coward, like I was choosin’ the easy route instead of facin’ my husband head on, but another part of me knew I was doin’ what I needed to do to stay sane. My gut ain’t never really lied to me, and right now it was screamin’ to slow everything down before shit got even messier.
The quiet in the house started feelin’ too loud, and the guilt kept creepin’ back in no matter how hard I tried to shake it. I hated that I hurt Kay’Lo durin’ sex. I hated that I made him question somethin’ that was supposed to be our safe space, and I hated that I wasn’t strong enough yet to explain all of this to him without feelin’ like I was breakin’ us apart. I loved that man, and the last thing I wanted was to lose him, but I also knew I couldn’t ignore my fear just to keep the peace.
That’s when Pluto popped into my head.
She was the only person who really knew both sides of what me and Kay’Lo was goin’ through, and even though she was with Pressure and Pressure was Kay’Lo’s cousin, I trusted her. We both had built somethin’ real, confided in each other in ways that felt safe, and right now I needed that. I needed to say this shit out loud to somebody who wouldn’t judge me or run back and tell my husband everything.
I grabbed my phone and called her before I could talk myself out of it.
She answered quick, her voice warm like always, and the second she said my name, my chest cracked just enough for the words to come out. I asked her if I could come over ‘cause I needed to talk, and she ain’t hesitate not one bit.
“Of course,” she told me.
She told me to come through, and that alone made my eyes burn with emotion I wasn’t ready to unpack.
I ain’t even change clothes. I grabbed my purse, took one last look around the house, and walked back out the door with my heart heavy and my mind loud, knowin’ I was carryin’ a secret that could change everything once it came to light.
Trill-Land, Jungle Estate
By the time I reached Pluto and Pressure’s mansion, I already felt like my chest was sittin’ too tight for my own comfort, like everything I been holdin’ in was startin’ to stack on top of itself whether I was ready or not. I parked in the long ass driveway and sat there for a second with my hands still on the wheel, just breathin’ and remindin’ myself that I wasn’t crazy for feelin’ the way I did, even if it felt messy and complicated and not as clear as everybody expected it to be.
Pluto had told me to come around back, so once I finally got out the car, I made my way through the mansion and onto the patio where she was already outside waitin’ on me. The day was calm, and quiet in that rich people way, with the soft sound of the pool filter and the faint sound of music floatin’ from somewhere around the patio. Pluto had on one of them loose dresses she always wore when she was tryna be comfortable but still look put together, and her hair was pulled back with a few curls fallin’ around her face.
“Hey,” she said when she saw me, her voice gentle like always, and she leaned in to hug me tight for a second longer than usual.
“Hey, girl,” I said back, squeezin’ her before I pulled away, already feelin’ a lil’ lighter just bein’ around somebody who knew too much to judge me.
She grabbed the bottle off the table and started pourin’ up while I sat down in one of the chairs and pulled out the wrap she had already handed me from Pressure’s stash. As I broke down the weed and started rollin’ up, my mind wandered the way it always did, driftin’ back to all the shit me and Pluto had been through together.
I thought about all the nights she had called me cryin’ over Pressure, over the insensitive shit he did and the weight of bein’ married to a man who carried the whole world on his shoulders and expected himself to never crack. I thought about the nights I had called her, my voice shakin’, and my heart hurtin’ over Kay’Lo and his explosions and the way lovin’ him sometimes felt like holdin’ onto somethin’ beautiful that could still cut you if you wasn’t careful. Sha’Nelle was blood, and she had me in a way nobody else ever could, but Pluto had seen me at my lowest without tryna fix me or make me feel stupid for stayin’.
“You want juice or straight?” Pluto asked, breakin’ me out my thoughts while she tilted the bottle.
“Straight,” I said without even lookin’ up. “I need that shit to hit.”
She laughed soft and poured us both a good amount before settin’ the glasses down and finally sittin’ across from me. By the time I sparked the blunt and took the first hit, I could feel my shoulders droppin’ just a lil’, like my body knew I was somewhere safe enough to tell the truth.
We sat there for a minute passin’ the blunt back and forth, sippin’ and smokin’ in comfortable silence, until the words started pushin’ they way up my throat.
“So,” I said finally, exhalin’ slow. “I did some shit I ain’t told nobody yet.”
Pluto lifted her brows but didn’t rush me. “Okay,” she said calmly. “What you do?”
I took another hit, let it sit in my chest for a second, then passed it to her. “I went to the clinic,” I said. “I got on birth control.”
Her eyes widened just a lil’, but not in judgment but surprise, and she leaned back in her chair like she needed a second to process it. “Oh,” she said carefully. “How you feel about that?”
I shrugged, rubbin’ my thumb against the glass in my hand. “I don’t fuckin’ know,” I admitted. “That’s the problem. I feel relieved and guilty at the same damn time.”
She nodded like that made perfect sense. “You told Kay’Lo?”
I shook my head. “Nah, and that’s the part that really got me fucked up, ‘cause I wanna tell him, but I already know how that shit gon’ go.”
Pluto took a hit and passed it back to me, her eyes stayin’ on my face. “A fight?”
