My chest felt hot and hollow at the same time.
“Why you push me like that?” I asked. “What was that, Toni?”
She shook her head, tryna talk but not gettin’ the words out, and that silence started hurtin’ worse than her scream.
I swallowed hard, my jaw tight, lookin’ at her like she was a stranger and my wife all at the same time.
“You was tryna stop me from bussin’ in you?” I asked.
She ain’t answer. She couldn’t even look at me, and that was the moment my chest caved in.
Because I knew somethin’ was up.
I ain’t even need her to say the shit.
I felt it in the way she curled in on herself, and in the way she avoided my eyes.
I leaned back against the headboard, rubbin’ my face hard as hell, my heart beatin’ so fast it made my ears ring, ‘cause now my head was spinnin’ with shit I ain’t ask for.
I don’t even think I was pissed off.
I was hurt.
Hurt in a way that sat deep and quiet and heavy, ‘cause the one place I always felt connected to her just turned into somethin’ sharp and unfamiliar. Toni cried herself tired on her side of the bed, her shoulders shakin’, and I stayed still with my fists clenched, starin’ at the wall like if I moved wrong I would break somethin’ that might not ever get fixed.
My pride was bruised and my heart was bleedin’, and I ain’t trust my mouth not to say the wrong shit, so I stayed quiet.
Layin’ here listenin’ to her cry herself to sleep, I realized I had just lost control of somethin’ I thought I had locked down forever.
For the first time since I been with Toni, I didn’t know if I could really trust her.
Days Later…
On my way to the clinic, my nerves was bad ‘cause I already knew what I was goin’ there to do, and even though I kept tellin’ myself I had my reasons, my stomach was still twistin’ like I was doin’ some real foul shit. I gripped the steerin’ wheel a little tighter than usual with my jaw locked, eyes straight ahead, tryin’ not to think about Kay’Lo’s face the last time we touched each other like that and how fast everything went left. That shit been sittin’ heavy on my heart ever since, and no matter how much I tried to push it down, it kept floatin’ back up like it wanted to be dealt with.
It wasn’t even supposed to go like that. Sex was our thing. That was the one place where all the bullshit disappeared and it was just us, breath on skin, hands knowin’ where to go withoutaskin’ and bodies speakin’ louder than words ever could. When I pushed him off me, it felt like I ripped somethin’ sacred in half, and I could still see the look on his face when he froze, confused and hurt, like he ain’t even recognize me or the moment no more. Kay’Lo ain’t used to me stoppin’ him, ain’t used to me pushin’ him away like he was doin’ somethin’ wrong, and that scream that came out my mouth felt like it belonged to a version of me I ain’t even know was still livin’ inside of me.
Since then, the energy between us been off. Not loud and explosive like when we argue, but quiet in a way that made everything feel fragile. He wasn’t touchin’ me like he usually did, wasn’t pullin’ me close when we passed each other in the hallway, wasn’t jokin’ or flirtin’ or even fussin’ like normal. He had been distant, shut down, movin’ like he was scared to say the wrong thing, and that shit hurt worse than him yellin’ ever could. I was used to Kay’Lo comin’ toward me, even when he was mad, even when he was spiralin’, but now it felt like he was sittin’ back, watchin’ me, tryna read me like a problem he ain’t know how to solve.
And that scared me too…
‘Cause I loved him. I loved that man in a way that went deeper than lust and deeper than habit. When I looked at Kay’Lo, I saw my future, even with all his rough edges and wild moods and dangerous decisions. I saw the way he could be soft with me when nobody else was around, and the way he could make me feel protected even when the world felt scary at times. But I also saw the parts of him that still needed work, the parts that scared me enough to pause when the doctor said my body was fine and that gettin’ pregnant wasn’t impossible like I always believed.
That truth hit me harder than I expected. For years I had told myself my body was damaged and that whatever was did to me back then stole somethin’ from me that I couldn’t getback. That belief turned into a shield, and as long as I thought I couldn’t have kids, I ain’t have to imagine what motherhood would look like with a man who could go from calm to chaos real quick. Now that shield was gone, and I was left with questions I wasn’t ready to answer.
A baby with Kay’Lo wouldn’t just be love and cute moments and family pictures. It would be stress and fear and nights where I’d have to choose between protectin’ my child and protectin’ my husband from himself. I knew I’d love my baby no matter what, even if they came out with the same struggles Kay’Lo had, but I also knew I wasn’t ready to fight that battle right now. Not when him and I still had shit we ain’t even talked through properly.
The car ride felt longer than usual, and by the time I pulled into the clinic parkin’ lot, my chest was tight and my palms was sweaty. I sat there for a minute, the engine still runnin’, starin’ at the building like it was about to judge me the second I walked inside. I knew goin’ behind Kay’Lo’s back was wrong. I knew I should be communicatin’ with my husband instead of makin’ decisions like this alone, but every time I imagined tryna explain my fears to him, I could already see the confusion and frustration in his eyes. Kay’Lo heard shit in black and white, and this was all gray, and I ain’t trust that he would really understand without feelin’ rejected or controlled.
So I got out the car…
The clinic smelled clean and sterile, and the air felt cold against my skin as I checked in at the front desk. I gave my name, and the rest of my information and kept my voice calm even though my heart was beatin’ fast, and took a seat while I waited to be called back. My leg bounced without me even realizin’ it, and I kept glancin’ at my phone like Kay’Lo was gon’ pop up outta nowhere even though I knew he was out handlin’business. Every second I sat in the chair felt like I was makin’ a choice that would change shit, even if nobody else knew yet.
When they finally called my name, I followed the nurse down the hall, answered questions on autopilot, and let them check my blood pressure while I stared at the wall. They asked me basic stuff about my health, about my cycle, about what I was lookin’ for, and I answered without goin’ too deep. I wasn’t here to tell my life story. I was there for the pills, plain and simple.
Still, when they asked if I was sure this was what I wanted, my throat tightened for a second. I nodded anyway, ‘cause my gut kept tellin’ me to protect myself first, even if my heart hated the idea of keepin’ this from my husband. They explained everything calm and clear, went over side effects, made sure I understood what I was takin’, and by the time they handed me the prescription, my emotions was all over the fuckin’ place.
I walked back out into the sun feelin’ lighter and heavier at the same damn time.
