And missed me?Me?
I try to blink away the mirage, but it stays.
“Thanks, guys. I…I’ve missed you too. I was too busy over the holidays to visit; I hope you understand.” The lie is brittle at best, but this is what we Chen's do. Dance around the problem like it isn’t an elephant sitting on my heart.
“Christmas wasn’t the same without you.” Mom nudges my dad with her designer handbag, who nods in agreement. “I hope we never have to do that again.”
My breath of relief clouds in the chilly air.
Sure, this is awkward, but it’s nothing like the hostile artillery I was expecting. They’re making aneffort. Something like hope swoops in my stomach.
I hope Brandon gets here soon so he can witness the phenomenon I’m experiencing. Watching the parade beside my amicable parents with the man I’m falling in love with sounds like a straight-up dream.
“Yeah, Christmas was weird for me, too,” I say. “My sorority house was way too quiet because almost everyone else went home.”
What warmth I thought I saw in Mom’s expression vanishes.
“Sorority? Like one of those party houses?” Her frozen mouth is slanted, clinging to what’s left of her smile. “But Elizabeth said you were living in scholarship-funded housing?”
Liza looks guilty as sin for lying on my behalf.
I swoop in. “She’s not wrong. My scholarship does cover part of my room and board at Kappa Alpha Theta. I was lucky that one of their pledges transferred. And the Kappas never throwhugeparties.” I don’t know why I’m rambling, since it’s clearly not helping.
“Kappa Alpha…” Mom can’t even finish, she’s so distraught. Her last shred of debutante diplomacy fades as she turns to Dad, who is fixated on the parade. “James, did you know that Katherine is part of a”—she gulps a deep breath—“sorority?”
Dad’s bedside manner smile cracks much faster than Mom’s, the glint in his eyes flashing like a surgical instrument he’d suddenly like to skewer me with.
“Why am I not surprised?” he says flatly. “Whynotthrow away the rest of your dignity?”
The words hit me like a physical blow, knocking away any fragments of feeling cared for only moments ago. It’s enough to give me whiplash.
Where is Brandon?
“I will not condone you living in a sorority house,” Mom snaps, and I force myself not to shrink beneath her cutting glare. “I’ve said it before, Katherine, and I’ll say it again. Whatever this…escapadeis, it’s over. You’ve had your fun, nowgrow up.”
Angry words continue to spill onto the street, scattered about by a long, dancing dragon. I choose to drill my stinging eyes at it instead of crying. Its bright colors bob, weave, and shake above the people pumping the sticks on its underbelly.
Glitches of my childhood flash in my mind—moments where I feltalmostloved like I did less than a minute ago.
The stroke of my mother’s fingers through my hair, utilizing my long black strands as an example to teach Liza her intricate braids. The curve of my father’s plump cheeks beneath his glasses when helaughed over something at the dinner table, even though Liza made the joke and I was too young to understand it.
Connection wasthere. I could see it happening all around me.
As I snuggled my stuffed animals at night, I pictured my mother teachingmeto braid someday, too. I’d scheme up something funnyIcould tell Dad at dinner tomorrow night.
But grasping their approval was like clutching at handfuls of smoke. I could see it, smell it,tasteit even, but it was never mine. Their firstborn daughter held the flame, and I? The shadow just beyond.
I’ve lived a life of paper cuts. Small micro-moments that have flayed my soul over the years. No one particular event formed a deeper gash than another, but they’re painful all the same.
A tear slips from the corner of my eye in the light of the dragon.
But this tear isn’t meant for me.
It’s meant for that little girl inside, clutching her stuffed animals and wishing on stars. I want nothing more than to take her fiercely in my arms and tell her that there’s nothing wrong with her.
But I can’t.
Because I’m not quite convinced, either.
