I’d known Phoenix for less than a day, but the thought of the man who’d hurt him had me feeling... emotions I hadn’t in a long time, outrage only the old Gian felt. Hunger for blood and revenge. While the out-of-control sensation was terrifying, it was also... satisfying.
“Tell me everything,” I growled out, surprised at my own reaction. I was in a lot of trouble.
5
PHOENIX
“I’m sorry,but I’m not sure I understand you. I don’t know what to say.” I gripped the edge of the table and focused on my feet because it felt a lot like the floor was falling away from me. Somewhere nearby a group of people burst into laughter. The fan whirred over the fryer behind the counter. The table vibrated, and then I realized it was my hands shaking. I wanted to hide my hands in case he decided to slap one because of the way I was acting, but that would only lead to more problems. It seemed like a small chance that Daddy would punish me in public. I didn’t think he really would, but maybe I was wrong?
I’d been wrong in the past.
“Tell me what he did to you, how he hurt you.” Daddy’s jaw ticked and he was slightly scary right now. Fury simmered around him and lived in his brown eyes. I trembled on the inside. Was he angry at me? I studied his face, panic closing in.
“I caused trouble. He had to discipline me.” It got harder to breathe, and I didn’t want to say this, but my new Daddy deserved the truth. “I was always being punished,” I whispered. “That happens when you’re not good at anything, like me. He would ask me to do easy chores or do simple... personal favors for him, but I could never do it right. None of it. I wasn’t any good. I wasn’tlettinghim do things to me. He was doing what he had a right to do as my....” I shook my head. “Now that you know it all, that I’m not any good, will you make me leave?”
Daddy rested his elbows on the table and dropped his head, leaning his clasped hands against his forehead for a moment with his eyes closed. He tapped his hands between his eyebrows a few times before he let them drop, and his face flushed as he reached across the table to lightly place a hand over mine. It wasn’t until he worked my grip free of the table edge that I realized my fingers were hurting from the strain of holding on so tight.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have asked this here. Do you want to talk in private?” He glanced at a table far too close to ours. There were people standing in the packed room, so in that way their conversations were a cover for our own, but I felt exposed.
It didn’t matter if I wanted to speak or not because clearly Daddy needed me to tell him where I’d come from. I just wished I had a better story. “I was always hearing things wrong—” I lowered my voice until it was nearly a whisper. “—or doing things in a way he’d already told me not to do, or at least, that was what he said. He had to repeat himself a lot. Sometimes he would take away meals or give me extra chores. Sometimes worse things. More painful punishments.” I closed my eyes. “Sometimes he would do things I hated when we were....” I shook my head and smashed my hands together awkwardly, unable to use any words that came close to being informative. I hoped he knew I was talking about sex. “He would do things he knew I didn’t like on purpose. He never tried to make me feel good, but if he was in a bad mood, he would make sure there was no chance.” I had no words to go into more detail about the sex I’d had with Perry, so I hoped that would be enough. My face heated, and I was half convinced I would die as the ceiling seemed to close in on me, along with the floor.
“It’s okay,” he murmured.
“I didn’t want you to know, but you asked.”
“I’m sorry I asked here.” He sighed and glanced around, and I wasn’t sure if he was irritated with me or something else. “I wasn’t thinking. I understand this is very sensitive and painful.”
I shrugged. “I mean, I didn’t want you to know how bad I was at being a boy for my... for him.”
He shook his head so hard I almost wanted to laugh. “You weren’t the problem. Your ex sounds like he thrived on being cruel. I can’t imagine you were anything other than perfect.”
The small flash of joy that blasted through my belly faded fast because he wouldn’t have said those nice things if he really understood. “He wanted me to be better, and I wasn’t smart enough to do it.”
Daddy tapped the table and let out a growl. “If he wanted you to do something for him, and you kept messing it up, it was on him to break down the task in such a way that you would understand. What you’re describing is torture.”
I ran a hand through my hair and wanted to laugh. “I felt like the rules changed all the time, but he told me I forgot things. Sometimes I don’t feel like I can trust my own ears. I feel like nothing is real until... someone else tells me it is.” Trying to explain my life was confusing and turned my stomach.
“It will be okay,” he said, but his nostrils flared and he still looked like he might be mad.
“I didn’t want to... tell on myself, but I promise I will try extra hard not to do those things that got me into trouble at your house, Daddy.” My heart hammered. I wanted him to believe me. He stared into my eyes as if he could read my mind. If only it was that easy.
“There is nothing you could do that would warrant such treatment.”
Plates were set down near the edge of the table, and I jumped. I’d been so excited about coming out and eating food I hadn’t cooked—I couldn’t remember the last time I did that—but now my sandwich didn’t look very good. Daddy thanked the man who’d delivered our food, and I mumbled my own thank-you before the man left again.
Daddy ran a hand down his face and stared up at the ceiling as he pulled his plate over in front of himself. I did the same thing because it seemed like he expected it. “I shouldn’t have started this conversation right now. I’m sorry. I let my emotions get the best of me.” He hung his head as if he’d done something wrong.
The apology stunned me. “I’ll do whatever you want, Daddy,” I murmured.
He picked up his sandwich and took a bite, and I got the impression he was waiting for me to do the same thing, so I did, even though my stomach was unhappy with me. I didn’t want to appear ungrateful. I took a few bites, eating and swallowing mechanically, then set the sandwich down. I forced down a fry from my plate and burned my tongue because it was still too hot.
Daddy dropped his sandwich, groaned, and then held his face in his hands while he watched me. “I’ll get a bag and we can take this stuff home, okay?”
“Anything you want, Daddy,” I mumbled, not feeling much like arguing.
“Ah, this was my fault,” he said.
I shook my head at him, and he let out a miserable little laugh.
