It only took a few minutes to get the sandwiches rolled in wax paper and tucked into a bag. Daddy left the fries, and I felt guilty as I followed him outside and back into the sunshine. He carried the food and the laundry bag that held my new clothes.
“Do you want me to take those things?” I asked, pointing at the laundry bag.
He handed me the food instead. I didn’t pay much attention as I followed him, figuring he’d lead me where he wanted me.
He tapped me on the shoulder and smiled when I glanced up from my feet, blinking against the bright sunlight. “I’m sorry. None of that was tactful. I didn’t have the right to try to force answers out of you that you weren’t ready to give.”
“Yes, you do. You’re my Daddy,” I said, and strangely I felt hurt he would question it. “You can do anything.”
We walked along, and I started to feel better as the sun washed over me and glinted in Daddy’s eyes as I peeked at him.
“I have no idea what the best way to help you would be,” he said.
Sweat beaded on my skin and felt good. The bag of clothes he carried for me said a lot about him, and so did the food he’d purchased. Hell, I hadn’t been in public in forever, and he’d taken me to his church, which was technically his job, and a restaurant, all in one day. “You’re already really kind to me. I.... You’re right. He hurt me a lot. He told me he wanted to be nice, but I made him awful by not doing things right.”
Daddy put his arm around me and hugged me close while his face went red. Panic pelted through me, but his hold on me was friendly, and even though I felt like I should run, based on his scowl, I leaned against his side and kept pace with him. We walked the rest of the way to his house with me tight against his side, and some of the bad feelings started to go away. I rushed ahead to open the front door when we got there, and then I stared as embarrassment heated my face when I turned the knob and it didn’t open. He pulled his keys out and unlocked the door with a grin.
Once I was inside, I tensed all over again, because I could think of a lot of things I should do in Daddy’s house to make him happy, but he only closed the front door and smiled at me. He carried the clothes into the hallway, and I thought maybe he set the bag on the washer. I rushed to put the food in the refrigerator because it was the most logical thing he would want me to do next, and I didn’t want to give him a reason to be upset.
Daddy came out into the living room, and we stared at each other. The air seemed heavy, and I fought to take a deep breath.
“I’ll find some way to be useful, Daddy.”
He sighed and came over to me, and I melted when he opened his arms, offering another hug. It was as if he didn’t think I needed to earn them. My breath rushed out of my lungs, and I stepped forward, enjoying every second of it when he wrapped his strong arms around me.
“You look terrible. I’m sorry I pushed.”
I shook my head. “No, you can do anything you want with me.”
He stepped back and held me at arm’s length, his jaw ticking again. Fear slithered through me. “No, I can’t. No one can.” He pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and directed me toward it, and I braced my hands on my knees when he dragged a chair around and sat in front of me. He studied my face, and anxiety writhed in my belly. “Let me start with this.” He brought his hands up together, almost like he was praying, and pressed his forefingers against his lips for a second while he stared at me. “None of the lifestyle you were living is something I have personally done. I do know one thing, though, okay? It’s important. No one has the right to hurt you the way it seems you’ve been hurt—in bad ways,unenjoyableways—especially if you didn’t consent to them.”
My pulse pounded and I rubbed at my knees, feeling as if I was about to fly into a million pieces. “I agreed to his rules. When we first got together he....” I wasn’t supposed to talk about that. I closed my eyes. I wasn’t ever supposed to talk about that. “He told me his rules, and I agreed.”
“You said they were always changing.”
“I agreed to do anything he said, whatever he wanted.”
Daddy nodded, and those fingers were back at his lips again. I began to feel more like I couldn’t breathe, and he covered my hands with his, giving them a gentle squeeze that had me feeling a tiny bit better.
“I’m sure you did agree to some sort of discipline, but did you ever have a way to make it stop? What would happen if you were hurt or scared?” The sunlight spilled through the kitchen window and glittered on his short beard. His hair glowed. He seemed holy. Maybe that was why he was a priest. Looking at him gave me the strength to try to answer.
“I got in trouble if I told him to stop.”
He rubbed his thumbs on the back of my wrists, and I sucked in a deep breath. “You keep calling me Daddy, and I do want something from you, Phoenix.”
My body quivered against my will. “Anything.”
“If you don’t know what to do, no matter where you are, and you’re scared or someone is hurting you, leave. Find me. Promise you’ll do it.”
My chest went light, and I smiled so much it almost hurt. “Okay, I promise.”
“If you don’t like something I do, what do you think I want you to do?”
I froze. This seemed a lot like a trap. I opened my mouth but couldn’t get anything out.
“Tell me. Use words. Let me know. If you want me to stop doing something, screamstop, yell it at the top of your lungs. Even something as silly as pouring too much maple syrup on your pancakes. If that is too much for you, then you think of some other way to let me know you’re unhappy, but you must tell me. I....” He sighed and hung his head, a wry smile twisting one corner of his mouth. “You’re used to rules, aren’t you? This is the only one I’m giving you.”
“You want me to tell you if you’re hurting me?”
