I shrugged. “I like him. He’s different.”
He shook his head. “If ye say so.”
The laughter that made its way from me wasn’t kind because I was finished with this conversation and rather tired. The streetlights flashed across Cillian’s face every so often, but he didn’t look at me. He stared ahead at the traffic.
This was how it would be the entire way home, and as much as I searched for things to say, I stayed silent. It was easier this way. We could get home and pretend this conversation never happened, like we always did. We didn’t do emotions and we didn’t talk about feelings. That’s the way it’d always been.
8
VAIL
My lip throbbedwith pain as I knocked my chin against my knee. I wrapped my arms tighter around my legs and stared at the door, scrunching my toes against the blankets. Should I go? Cillian hadn’t seemed excited about me being here when he got home, but he’d asked if I wanted to stay. Well, it was more like he’d told me to stay if I could do it without causing issues, but it amounted to the same thing.
But Rowen and Cillian hadn’t come back.
Maybe that was their way of saying they’d changed their minds without telling me?
Did they hope I would just “get it” and be gone when they came home?
It wasn’t the worst way I’d been told to get lost, so no complaints; it was just very vague. I sighed and tugged the blankets higher around my waist because the air-conditioning in the house kicked on and sent a chill racing down my spine. I’d been asked to leave in the past after sex, within minutes of finishing, but I’d never had anyone abandon me at their house. It was a little depressing, as far as this type of thing went. I hadn’t been expecting much, but this was less than nothing. I sighed.
It would be embarrassing if I waited and they hadn’t actually wanted me to stay. Rowen had seemed like he’d wanted me to be here when he got back... but maybe he really didn’t. Sometimes I didn’t understand what people wanted because I missed things or didn’t remember bits of conversation because they got chased out of my head by other things.
Old memories fought to the front of my mind. Jordan Mumford was the only person I’d ever dated. He was tall and had dimples and long curly brown hair he pulled back at the base of his neck. We’d gone out near the end of my senior year of high school. He’d liked me and had quietly asked me if I was gay. When I’d whispered back “yes, I am” in the hallway next to his locker, between third and fourth period, he’d smiled and taken my hand while he’d run his finger along the blue tie of my school uniform. With a smirk that was forever burned into my mind, he’d tugged on the tie. The sensation that small action had caused was the first time I’d almost come in my pants. Heat had streaked to my dick in a way I’d never experienced prior. He’d leaned close to murmur in my ear that he thought I wasall that and then some, and then he’d asked me out.
My insides had melted, and I’d licked my lips, and the way he’d watched my mouth had made me feel like I could leap over a building. Of course I’d said yes. My exact words were: “What fabric softener does your mom use?” Quickly followed by, “I mean, yes, I’ll be your boyfriend.”
And then it had slipped my mind to meet him at the movie theater—twice. I hadn’t remembered to get there either day, but the horrible guilt I’d felt each time I’d forgotten and disappointed him had etched itself in my memory. The roller-skating rink was a disaster because I showed up four hours late, just in time to wave at him as he left in the passenger seat of his dad’s truck. There was a party he’d wanted to take me to because his buddy’s parents were out of town. I ended up watching documentaries with my mother that night.
The worst day was when I’d forgotten to go to his birthday party. I even had the present sitting wrapped on the hallway table. I could still see it in my mind because I’d taken forever to pick out the silvery paper and had wrapped it myself. I’d sat down to read for an hour, then never left the house.
And then he’d lost my number.
The birthday party was what killed it. He didn’t answer his phone for three weeks, even though I tried to call him every day. The next time I’d seen him outside the hallways at school—where he stuck his nose in the air and refused to even make eye contact—he had his arm around a guy who honestly didn’t look all that different from me.
But I bet he’d remembered to show up.
That’s when I’d realized I would never be any different and just sort of... stopped caring or hoping ortryingfor a relationship. Any type of relationship, even friends, was a minefield to navigate. It didn’t matter how many alarms I set, I always messed something up. And yeah, maybe I had a better handle on my life as an adult, but how long before a man—let alone two men—would get annoyed? But then again, I was putting a lot on two guys who’d fucked me together, and that was ridiculous.
Ithadseemed like Rowen cared when he kissed me goodbye.
Groaning, I knocked my forehead against my knees. I was almost forty now, not eighteen. Shouldn’t this have gotten easier at some point?
Someone strolled by the open bedroom door, and when I checked it was the blond from the car earlier. My heart settled out of my throat. It wasn’t Rowen and Cillian. I tried really hard to remember the man’s name but failed. He didn’t stop, although he wasn’t walking fast when he passed. And then he walked backward slowly, hands stuffed in the pockets of his gray sweatpants.
“They left you alone?” he asked. His long blond hair caught the light in the hall, and I couldn’t help but notice how the gold glowed. His grin was the kind of smile that told me he liked to do things that got him into trouble. I was in my own head a lot, but I knew those types of people. They’d talk you into problems that would get you screwed over. But I was already in a weird spot, so what the hell? What could I gain from ignoring him or asking him to leave me alone?
“It’s a bird or something,” I said, loud enough that he should be able to hear me.
“What?” He stopped and tilted his head, staring at me.
“Your name.”
He chuckled and stepped into the room. “You’re thinking of a falcon. I’m Fallon.”
“Oh, well, maybe. Fallon. I like that. They did leave me alone, but it’s okay. People usually leave when we’re done. Or I’m asked to go. I thought maybe they would come back. Their departure was abrupt.” I couldn’t help but frown. “I’m trying not to let it bother me. It would have been nice to have them here.”
Fallon huffed in a way that puffed out his cheeks and raised his eyebrows. “They were called in to work. You know, the food came while you guys were... busy.” He took a step closer, and the shadows in the room made him seem almost dangerous until he turned a little and the light cut across his face, showing off a very nice smile. His lips were full and pink, and his blue irises glowed strangely pale. “I had to eat or I would’ve felt sick, but I’ll sit with you, if you want to go have something now. I would never let you be lonely. Not on my watch.” The grin he flashed was bright and seemed to show off every tooth he owned.
