“About turning everything into a problem.” He pecked another kiss onto my cheek.
“Don’t catastrophize. Check, then. See what the price for this high school garbage is.”
After about a half hour, we’d decided there didn’t seem to be a cost for the program, but I would have to apply.
“I’ll do it by the end of the week,” I whispered and got another kiss—this one soft and perfect—for my trouble. Then he hit his knees, tugged my shorts down my thighs, and put his lips on me right there on the deck. I came, mumbling about how I’d try my best and pay extra attention to anything they wanted me to do. My cum shot down his throat, and he moaned his encouragement.
Drew discovered there was a class he could take at New Gothenburg State to begin his degree starting in July, and he applied and got in. I applied to the adult learning course and messed up the paperwork and had to do it over, but he still acted like it was a big deal when I got into my classes—as if they didn’t take everyone. The evening I got the acceptance email, he laid me out on the bed and ate my hole like it was an ice-cream sundae, so if that was what his being proud of me meant, I’d take it every time.
He was excited as the day for his class to start got closer, and we had a good time buying his book and everything else he would need. During the day, he went to the summer class, and I started fighting through my work on the laptop at his dining room table while he was gone, feeling dumb and old but not wanting to let him down.
And the entire time, I bit my lip and glared at the computer screen and really wanted a beer. Or a shot. Or a gallon of pills poured directly down my gullet. Five packs of smokes. I’d noticed my teeth were finally not stained yellow anymore, and for some fucking reason that made me want a cigarette in the worst way.
The schoolwork wrung me out mentally and made me restless, so I would go outside and pace near the water, leaving strange three-pronged footprints in the damp sand right beside the lake while I thought about how smoky and delicious a glass of whiskey would taste. The sun pinked my face, and my eyes would water from staring out at the waves. I’d never handled being in a house alone well, and with Drew gone for five or six hours every day—the summer classes were in long blocks—it was hell.
I thought about things I shouldn’t. Pain I’d thought Drew had already chased away oozed like black tar through my insides and sucked the fun out of him arriving home. Sucked the joy out of the beautiful view I woke up to every morning. Eroded my will to get out of bed and keep up with PT exercises and even eat fucking food.
Sometimes I got off track and got almost nothing done for my classes. I would sit at the dining room table and bite at my thumb while not seeing the recorded lessons, thinking about Angel and all the things I remembered doing to him while I’d been drinking. It only made me want to drink more. And that cast he’d had in the courtroom haunted me. I’d never wanted to be his monster. I’d never wanted to be evil to my own son. Then once those thoughts struck, I’d start thinking about my own personal hell—Tatum Black.
I needed to apologize to Angel in person but didn’t need anyone else to tell me I didn’t deserve his time. He wouldn’t want that. He would be better off if I just disappeared.
Today was one of those days when I couldn’t fucking concentrate and every bad thing I’d ever done chased across the back of my eyelids. The morning sun streamed into the dining room and warmed my cheeks. My heart ached because Drew was gone.
Someway or other I’d started relying on him being nearby to come put an arm around me and chase away the bad thoughts. When he was home, he was my knight, fighting off the shadows, and as much as it made me feel helpless to think of him that way, it was true. Cursing, I shoved the laptop across the shiny wooden dining table and held my breath when it almost crashed to the floor on the other side. Groaning, I ran a hand over my face.
That was the last thing he’d need, me breaking something he used for his classes, too, so we’d have to spend more money to replace it. I gripped the table hard. I used to destroy things all the time and not give a fuck how they would get fixed. And someone, Angel, probably, always managed to patch up the cracked windows and spackle the walls and replace the broken dishes. I closed my eyes and tears welled in them.
“Fuck it. I can at least do something useful.” Drew had been doing all our laundry, but he was busy, so I decided to help him, rather than sit here at the table and see nothing on the screen while I felt like shit.
My back hurt worse than it had been lately as I got up from the table and grabbed my cane. I got all our dirty clothes together and put them in a hamper, but I wasn’t feeling up to walking it over to the dinky community laundry house. I’d wait for his Jeep to do that. I washed dishes instead. I managed to vacuum. By the time Drew got home, I had food stuck in the oven and the house smelled delicious, but I was restless and edgy.
The front door opened and he walked in, gaze scanning the living room until he spotted me where I was taking my thousandth trip from the sofa, down the hallway to the bedroom, and back. His smile stretched big and wide. I loved the way he looked the first time he saw me after being gone. “There you are,” he said.
My heart twisted every single time this happened, and today was no different. He dumped the backpack he carried onto the floor, kicked the door shut behind himself, and came over to kiss me. He held me close and his body heat felt good, but I couldn’t relax into him. He pressed his lips over mine, teasing and warm.
“You going to a meeting tonight?” he asked with heat in his eyes as he straightened. I knew there were other things he’d like to do with me. I wanted them, too.
“Yeah,” I said as he rubbed his hands along my back. But even as I said it, I knew I was lying. I’d had a shitty day. While he thrived with school, I was sinking like a fucking rock. I was fucking this diploma shit all up without someone here to keep me on track. I was nervous about failing and didn’t want to tell Drew. I didn’t want him to be disappointed in me.
My insides burned with the desire to make him proud, and it stung that I couldn’t figure out how to fucking do it. And I was fucking pissed off at myself that I couldn’t make my brain pay the fuck attention to the here and now. Instead my focus wandered off into the past all the goddamned time.
Drew pulled the Jeep keys out of his pocket. “Missed you today. Can’t wait for you to get home later.” He took the chance to give my ass a firm tap as he tucked the keys into my pocket, and we both laughed.
“Dinner needs another half hour.”
“I’ll pull it out and wait for you to get back to eat.” He brushed his lips to my temple, then rested his cheek on top of my head. I inhaled the fading scent of his citrusy cologne. I loved how his musk made my groin tingle. I lovedhim. I wanted to be better for him.
“No.”
“Yes.” He smooched my cheek in a ridiculous way that did not have me laughing, then sent me toward the front door with a pat on my ass. I left, knowing goddamned well I was planning on doing something I shouldn’t.
There was a small grocery store nearby, in the opposite direction on the highway from the physical therapist, and right next to it was a liquor store. Walking through the door into the liquor shop made me feel itchy, and buying a bottle of vodka made it even worse. I just wanted to kill some of the nervousness that had been dogging me all day. Part of me wanted to hide to drink, but I forced myself to be at least a little responsible. I drove Drew’s Jeep back home and parked it, but I didn’t go inside. No, I knew I was being a rat, but I wanted to forget. I wanted to dull the knife edge of energy rampaging through me. I took my bottle out to the beach, kicked off my shoes, sat on my ass with my feet in the cool water, and opened the lid.
The first swallow burned and I hissed, eyeing the bottle up. In my heart I knew the booze wouldn’t keep my past from fucking with me, but sometimes it blocked it out. No one was out here on the sand for me to hurt or yell at, and I just wanted some fucking peace for five minutes.
I wanted to forget how badly I was messing everything up that I was supposed to be doing, including being well enough for Drew to pound into the fucking mattress with his big, strong body. A tiny voice in the back of my head told me he’d never asked for that. He’d never asked to be able to throw me around the way I thought he might like to do. The problem was, it didn’t matter what he’d brought up in conversation because I wanted to give it all to him anyway. The second swallow of vodka went down easier.
* * *
