“I’m sorry.” I held my breath and waited for him to rage, but he didn’t. “I never meant for that to happen—”
“We’ll get by. Don’t apologize. If you’re worried about money, don’t. I have cash set aside, and workers’ comp paid out without much of a fight. There was also injury insurance on every man at the jail, so I’m okay, which means you’re okay. For a while. Don’t worry about it. I’ll find something else before it’s an issue. I won’t let it be a problem.” He scowled out at the water the way he sometimes did when he didn’t realize I was looking, almost like he had to test his courage every day to make sure it was still there. “I’ll take care of you, Peter. I promise.”
“You don’t have to do that,” I mumbled, cheeks flushing hot. I couldn’t say that I hated the fluttery sensation that twisted through my belly, however. “Okay? My disability checks started again. I can pitch in.” Scratching at the back of my neck, I glanced over in time to catch him smiling at me in a way that had me squirming happily on the inside. “Sorry I didn’t figure out right away that I had to call them.”
“It bugs you, huh? The money? Buy some groceries and we’ll call it even,” he said with a smile. He walked over and gathered me close with his arms around my waist, fingers strong on my sides. I leaned into him as he stroked a hand along my bare skin and dropped a kiss on my shoulder.
The summer got hot and the days lengthened, and still Drew didn’t seem to be getting tired of me. We hadn’t said I love you again, but that was okay because I could see the care in his eyes whenever he held me gently and rocked our bodies together until we couldn’t breathe and bliss burst like fireworks inside us.
He hadn’t tried to get rough, yet, either. I craved the feeling of him unleashing his body. He was so strong and I wanted to feel his power. At first I’d been afraid, but now I had this creeping anticipation, like I was chomping at the bit to race with him, especially now that simple things like walking around weren’t pure agony. I knew it was possible he could hurt me if we did anything too forceful, but I trusted him to keep to my limits. I hadn’t talked to him about it yet, though.
To my horror, I’d discovered that whenever I thought about saying anything to him about sex, my body would scald hot and my tongue would stick to the roof of my mouth. Without alcoholic courage, I was fuckingshy. The only reason things were so good between us was because he was damned good at guessing what was going through my head most of the time, and he seemed to want me happy.
One hot and humid afternoon while we were on the deck sipping lemonade instead of beers, Drew started talking about going back to school, with the sun shining on him and making his skin glow with sweat. His barely contained excitement was gorgeous. My heart froze while he rambled about classes and books and how he’d always loved learning. I’d never followed up on the classes Brandon talked about to get my high school equivalency, and Drew didn’t know I had that failure to be ashamed about on top of everything else. It seemed even the smallest things other people managed to do, I’d messed up.
Drew’s eyes gleamed and came alive as he leaned toward me and pushed his glass to the center of the table to get it out of his way, in order to give his hands more room to gesture.
“I think I’d maybe be okay at counseling. The problem with some people who do the job is that they have no life experience. I want to do what Rowdy and I always did, only for real—with my certifications and everything. I’d still visit people at home. Lots of people aren’t comfortable going to an office.” He drummed his hands on the table and waggled his eyebrows. “What do you think?”
“That’s all good,” I murmured, and wanted to snap and be sour at him and his excitement, but I shook off the urge. It would kill me to see his smile wilt. I didn’t want to make him feel as bad as I did inside. My heart twisted. I’d caused so much trouble and pain in my lifetime, and I never wanted Drew to get that side of me. “I’m proud of you. You should go back to school. Now that I’m feeling better, maybe I’ll see if I can get a job or something somehow. Help out more.”
Drew reached across the table and took my hand, a small frown stealing away his joy, but his good mood bounced back fast. He pressed his soft lips to the back of my hand, and I was getting used to the way he liked to kiss my knuckles now—really, he liked to get his lips on any part of me he could reach when he was happy. He stayed for a few long moments with his lips pressed to my skin, and I shivered from his breath tickling my hand.
With a grin, he rested his cheek against my wrist. “You know I don’t push.”
“Mm.” I glared.
“You don’t seem thrilled.” His eyebrows took a trip up his forehead, and he fixed his gaze directly on my eyes. I shifted in my chair. Somehow I dislodged my cane from where it was resting against the table and knocked it to the deck with a clatter. He never looked away from me.
“It’s not you. I really am happy for you. I want you to do well. You’re smart. You can do this.”
“Okay,” he said and dragged the word out until it was almost a note from a song.
“I never technically graduated high school,” I mumbled.
He turned and pressed his lips to my wrist, and that was probably the only thing he could have done that would have unleashed the flood of awful resting inside me without it flying free as anger. Breath hitching, I told him the whole sad tale, and he nodded along. It was strange, but I felt better when I was done talking. I checked to see if he was judging me, not that he didn’t have that right, but his eyes were still warm as he gazed at me.
“Bet that’s something you can do online now. The high school thing.”
I blinked at him and felt even dumber. “You think?”
He kept a tight hold on my hand and tugged his phone from the pocket of his shorts to set it on the table between us. “Let’s find out.” The sweet smile he sent me was contagious. It was beginning to feel like I had a fucking life, and something to look forward to in the future. That all scared the shit out of me, but I sat there, my shoulder bumping his as I leaned close and searched online with him—or more accurately, I sat there and nodded along as he searched.
“See, you can do it online,” he said after only a few minutes, and my throat narrowed to the size of a paperclip as I stared at the phone screen. The New York State Government site for adult learners spelled everything out clear as day. I could go back to school if I wanted to take the risk. I could try to go back to the fork in the road where everything had gone to hell, at least in some ways, and take the right path. Unexpectedly my throat clogged, and I cleared it. My eyes teared up and I blinked those intrusive blobs of water away.
“So, are you going to sign up?” He nudged me with his elbow, then tangled our fingers together and brought my hand over to rest on his knee.
“Maybe.” I couldn’t look him in the eye. “I should take the online class that goes with the test first,” I whispered. “I don’t remember half the shit I learned, and I never paid much attention. I was too busy thinking about my next fight or the guys I hated for having better lives than me. I was a fucking bully and it was my life.”
“That was then,” Drew said quietly but firmly. I glanced up at him, and his eyes were still full of love, but the set of his jaw let me know he was gearing up to take no bullshit.
My jaw jutted, and I tried not to do anything that would get me accused of pouting, which he’d had the balls to do once or twice. “Bet it’s expensive, though. You’re not working. I’m not working. Hell, I don’t even remember my last job very well. I was so…. I was so busy being scared the wrong people would recognize me,” I said quietly.
Drew leaned forward and sucked on my bottom lip, pulling pleasure through my body as a distraction, instead of allowing me to wallow in my shame. I knew he was trying to make me feel better, and for a little bit I fought it, but then he put his hand on the back of my neck and tilted my head to slip his tongue into my mouth. The frisson of need that coiled in me was so good. My cock chubbed and my fingers itched to rub at it. Why was Itryingto be miserable?
He pulled back, and my cockhead throbbed as he sucked my lip and let it go to grin. “What do they say in your NA meetings?” he asked with a laugh.
“They say lots of stupid shit,” I grumbled and narrowed my eyes.
