"I'm sorry, I don't get it," I said. "Why are you being so nice to me when I'm throwing the biggest tantrum on the planet?"
Castor gave me a wry smile. "Don't give yourself that much credit, I don't think it's thebiggestone on the planet."
I hung my head and blew a strand of hair out of my face. "Still. I threw a fit. It's embarrassing."
"I don't disagree with you," Castor said mildly. "But I don't think it's without reason. You're in a terrible and overwhelming situation, River. You were captured by poachers and locked up in a cage. Nobody could go through this without feeling like they're at their limit. Nobody can handle that much stress."
Castor was right, but hot shame still prickled my skin. "I guess."
He regarded me closely. "Tell me what you're thinking."
Another wave of loathing crashed over me. I clenched my eyes shut. "Anyone else in my family would've handled this better. Or not gotten in this stupid situation in the first place. My twin Cloud would just fly away, and my cousin Zak would—I don't know, he's a cocky hothead, he'd probably attack the poachers or something."
I knew Castor didn't know what I was talking about, but it felt good to lay it all out.
"And there's the fact that I'mspecial," I spat. With a groan, I buried my face in my arms.
"What do you mean?" Castor asked.
Instead of replying, I raised my mer tail and let it thump limply back down against the floor.
"River," Castor said firmly. "Use your words, please."
A shiver ran through me. For some reason, I liked it when he got all serious like that. Even though he was still in his beaver form, he exerted energy that was both calm and pleasantly domineering, like he would take control so I wouldn't have to.
I didn't want to disobey him. I meekly lifted my head and met his gaze.
"Thank you," Castor said more gently. "Can you tell me what you meant?"
"It's... because I'm a mer. That's why I have so much bad luck."
"Can you explain what you mean by that?"
I bit my lip. I'd never admitted my hang-ups about being a mer to anyone so I was unprepared to answer. Would I really have to confess all my private pity-parties to Castor?
He must've sensed my hesitation. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he said. "But it will help me understand and help you. That's all I want, River. I only want to make you feel better, not worse."
"You're not making me feel worse," I mumbled, rubbing my arm. "It's just hard for me to talk about this."
He smiled. "I'm a patient man."
I knew he wasn't lying. He'd wait there as long as necessary. I couldn't tell if it was sweet or stupid. Maybe both. Sweet because no one had ever spent this much effort on me, and stupid because I didn't deserve this kind of attention. If Castor wanted a fated mate so badly, he could've found better alphas out there. I didn't feel like much of an alpha most of the time.
As Castor watched me, brimming with patience, I thought I heard the slightest arrangement of music notes somewhere in the distance. But when I tried to focus on them, they disappeared.
It was clear he wasn't letting this go. I sighed and I finally gave up trying to hole up my feelings.
"I hate being a mer," I admitted. "All it does is bring me attention I don't want. I don't care if it's rare or special, I wish I was anything else."
Castor made a sympathetic sound. "Oh, River. I think I understand now." His voice softened. "Have you been taken advantage of because you're a mer?"
My throat tightened up, but I forced myself not to cry again. I nodded. Castor's fur was warm and comforting so I leaned into it as I spilled my feelings.
"I... I used to date a bear shifter named Jim," I murmured. "In order to date me, he said all the right things. Did all the right things. Told me I was his fated mate."
I felt Castor stiffen. He let out a small growl in the back of his throat but he didn't interrupt.
"I fell for it," I admitted, feeling stupid in hindsight. "I was so happy to have someone interested in me that I didn't bother to ask myself if it was genuine or not. And it wasn't. It was a fetish thing for him. Once he got to touch my tail all he wanted, I guess he had his fill. My novelty wore off." I grimaced talking about myself this way, but it was what happened. "I was an object to him. Just a fetish to pursue. Not his fated mate."
