The torrent of frustration and bottled up emotions was too painful to hold back any longer. I felt like I'd been holding it back for months, if not years. I was exhausted, and frustrated, tired, and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and wait for this to be over.
The worst part was I dragged Castor into this mess too. Why couldn't he have just minded his own business? Why did he have to go and say I was his fated mate, as if that was some amazing justification for putting his life in danger for me of all people? It wasn't worth this.
My whole body shook. Tears streamed down my face. I realized I was sobbing.
I was so stupid. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I have been like Cloud, or Zak, or any of my other cousins? If they were in my place, they wouldn't be wailing on the floor like a baby. They would be doing everything in their power to escape, not lying down and accepting whatever happened next. I felt terrible for Castor that he was stuck with me.
"River."
I clenched my eyes tighter, feeling the sting of tears as I pushed them out. "Go away," I moaned. "Just chew a hole through the wall and get out of here."
"River," Castor repeated.
I shook my head, curling up tighter into a ball. "I'm serious. Just leave me. I don't deserve your help. The poachers don't care about you, they only want me. If you leave now, you'll be free."
"River."
Castor's voice echoed my name relentlessly. Why wouldn't he listen to me? Why was he still here? Anyone else in the world would've escaped by now.
Frustrated at myself, and frustrated at Castor for putting himself purposely in danger for my sake, I finally opened my eyes and pushed myself up on my elbows to glare at him.
"What?" I demanded, my voice cracking.
Castor met my gaze evenly. He didn't look disgusted or impatient, even though he should have. His gaze was an equal mix of firm and gentle—not taking my shit, but sympathetic to my woes.
And it broke me.
I burst into full tears, unable to talk or do anything but cry. All my emotions poured out of me for gods knew how long.
When I was completely empty, I stopped. I felt something warm on me. It was Castor's fur. He was cuddled up next to me while I was throwing my tantrum. Had he been there this entire time, even though I was soaking his pelt with my flood of tears?
Now that I was exhausted, a wave of shame crashed into me. I was so embarrassing. I put my hand over my eyes and groaned.
"Sorry," I mumbled. "That was a lot, even for me."
To my surprise, Castor chuckled. "Does that happen to you often?"
"Not tothatdegree. But I'm known to be... dramatic."
With a pang of longing, I remembered my argument with Cloud just a day earlier when he'd called me out on this exact thing. Back then I was too busy being offended to realize he was right.
"Just before all this crap happened, I fought with my twin brother," I croaked. I don't know what came over me, or why I was confessing this to Castor. It just felt right.
A smooth paw grazed my head. Castor was petting my hair. "What happened?"
"He said all I do is mope around and feel sorry for myself."
Castor's voice was gentle. "And?"
"And... he's right," I mumbled. "If he saw me now, he'd rub it in my face. And I'd deserve it."
"Are you always this harsh on yourself?" Castor asked.
I sniffled in surprise. "Huh?"
"You're hurting, River. But instead of understanding your feelings are normal, you're demonizing yourself."
I blinked. Castor's comment was so unexpected that my tears stopped.
