What I expected to be an amorphous terror at the mere idea didn't materialize. Instead there was a small, odd feeling I couldn't quite name. A feeling that both intrigued and frightened me.
Eagerness, perhaps.
It should've been impossible. I wasn't interested in a mate, fated or otherwise, and definitely not interested in having a child. I wasn't. I definitely wasn't. Icouldn't.
Why not?My mind shot back at me.
I bit my lip. It wasn't like the thought had never crossed my mind before. But it was never this concrete. It was always an airy fantasy, awhat if my life was different and this could actually happen?type of thing. Starting a family was something that happened to other people. I was too busy. I carried too much responsibility without adding a baby on top of it. I was...
Undesirable,a dark voice in the corner of my mind whispered. Craig's voice.
He'd called me that on the night we broke up. It was said in a fit of anger but it was how he truly felt. As I packed my things to leave, he berated me, calling me too masculine and too big and too serious. I didn't embody the idea of a desirable omega at all. Why would any alpha ever want me?
The words were glass shards embedded into me. I tried my best not to believe them, and for the most part I succeeded. But in times of darkness, when I wasn't my best self, I believed them.
So I'd shut off the idea of ever having a baby, never feeding it hope, never letting it grow. It was a stunted little thing, like a withering sprout locked away in a dark room with no sunlight or water.
"Kamari." Zak's voice, gentle but firm, pulled me out of the recesses of my memories. I looked at him, grounding myself back in reality. All Zak did was watch me. He wasn't demanding anything. Just waited and listened, supporting me.
A sudden wave of hot tears bubbled up and I clenched my eyes shut to keep them down.
"I'm not good mate material," I said roughly. As I spoke, the words felt sour on my tongue; they were Craig's thoughts twisted up in my own narrative. I hated them.
Zak didn't even blink. "Hate to break it to you, but you're already my fated mate. That ship has sailed."
I believed him, yet still, I couldn't stop spewing those negative thoughts. "I won't make a good parent."
"How do you know?"
"I just know."
Zak shook his head. "That's just idiotic. You don't have any proof."
"Can you just believe me?" I snapped.
"No," Zak stated. "I won't."
I grabbed his shoulder, wrenching him forward with a snarl. "Why?"
Zak didn't react to my goading, which only made me feel worse. Instead he reached up to stroke my face. "Because I can see it in your eyes that you don't believe what you're saying."
A wave of emotion crashed into me. I tried to pull back from him out of guilt but Zak held me fast. He wouldn't let me go.
"Let me ask you something," Zak murmured. "You don't have to answer me. Just think about it. Do you want to be a parent, Kamari?"
My surface level response was no. But how much of that was Craig's influence on me? How much of it was shouldering the weight of responsibility for so long?
How did Ireallyfeel? I went deeper, pushing aside everybody else's opinions. I wanted to findmyanswer.
And it was a small, quiet 'yes'.
"Yes," I replied. "But... not right now."
Zak smiled and caressed my cheek. "Okay."
"...Okay? That's it?"
"Yup." Zak grinned. "I told you, we don't have to do anything immediately. I was just asking you to think about it."
