Cupping the side of her neck, he turned her head to face him with his thumb. “Doll, why didn’t you say yes to the elf?”
She found it hard to look at him, so she lowered her gaze to the puncture wounds on his throat. Her hand itched to touch it. Stroke it. Revel in the mark that was hers.
She didn’t dare, though. It was one thing to pretend and lie to Captain Bennet, but it was another to endure his rejection again. A cold feeling like dread washed through her at the memory of how he’d set her aside like he couldn’t stand to touch her.
She understood that he was right to be angry, but he’d also washed his hands of the moment and what they’d shared so quickly. That hurt worse than anything else.
So she kept her hands tightly clasped in her lap when she answered, “I don’t know.”
“Why are you lying?”
She lifted a shoulder in a tense shrug. Her reasoning felt ridiculous now. She didn’t have logic. Carmine had acted on pure instinct: the one that screamed at her to run back to him.
“Doll.” He stroked her cheek with the pad of his thumb. Butterflies exploded into flight in her stomach at that small, gentle touch. “Please look at me.”
“No, thank you.”
“Why not?”
“You’re angry at me.”
“I was upset, yeah. Mostly at myself for being a huge fucking asshole and touching you when I shouldn’t have.”
The words were so sour they almost refused to form, but Carmine forced them out. “Because you didn’t want to defile me.”
“Fuck. No, Carmine, that’s not why I was upset.” He dipped his head, probably to catch her eye, but she stubbornly refused to look anywhere but at her bite. Which was a mistake, because it only made her crave him more.
“I was mad because it was— Listen, there are a lot of reasons. First of all, I thought I told you that you don’t have to hook up with someone to be safe. It pissed me off to think that you only… that we did that because you felt like you had to, thatImade you feel that way. That I— gods, that I took advantage of that desperation fucking gutted me. You don’t have to trade yourself for anything, and you sure as fuck won’t bedefiledby having sex. That’s the second thing: sex is good, Carmine. Fuckin’ sacred when it’s with the right person, the right time, the right chemistry. It doesn’truinyou.”
“I didn’t think so,” she replied, matter-of-fact. She could see now why some people might revere sex — all it took was one orgasm at the hands of her vampire toget it —but she’d never believed the moral part of it that the crypt tried to beat into her. It just didn’t make sense, not when she saw the cold facts of life and death and bodies on her slab every day.
Sex couldn’t have more moral value than any other bodily function, and she didn’t feel shame when she peed, so…
Still, that didn’t change the fact thatothersvalued her perceived purity. “My virginity is a liability.”
“How so?”
Exasperated, she finally looked at him. He was very close. Focusing on his cheek instead of the intensity of his eyes, she answered, “If I’m defiled, no groom will want me.”
“That’s bullshit. Most vampires wouldn’t give a shit if you’d had a hundred partners, Carmine. I sure as shit don’t.”
“But enoughdo,”she argued, desperate for him to understand. “My groom does. Anyone who did business withthe crypt did. That’s enough. If I can ruin myself for even a few grooms, isn’t that a good thing?”
Atticus went quiet. When he spoke again, his voice was a croak. “You weren’t just trying to buy protection or something?”
“No. I considered it, but that would have been a risk, too. What if I chose wrong? A mate or even just a sexual partner could be just as dangerous as a groom.”
Not Atticus,she thought.I hope.
His arms circled her, pulled her tight to his chest, and squeezed. “I’m sorry,” he grated. “I was hurt. I loved being with you so much that it fuckin’ hurt thinking you’d done it because… Whatever. It doesn’t matter.”
“Oh.” Her stomach did a somersault. “I did want to, you know. You didn’t take advantage of me. I wanted you to touch me. I… needed it.”
“Yeah, you wanted to get rid of your virginity.” She felt his chest expand with a huge exhale. “I get it. That was smart, doll.”
He’s still hurt.That thought sat like a burning coal at the base of her throat.
Carmine pushed at his shoulder, forcing him to let her lean back a little. “Yes, but that’s not thewholereason.”
