He loved her, but did hewanther? His emotions couldn’t tell her that. For all she knew, hormones had driven him to love her, to keep her near. But in his mind, did he really want this? Atria knew better than just about anyone how emotions could run contrary to thought, true desires. What he felt and what he wanted could be two completely different things.
She’d made the mistake of thinking she knew someone’s mind because she knew their emotions before. Her father was one such case. Norman was another. Both had scarred her. She wouldn’t make that mistake again. Not even with Kaz.
Words tumbled out of her. “Why didn’t you just tell me, Kaz?”
“At first it was because I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, and then it was because I’m a survivalist.” He wrapped his arms around her waist and leaned in until his nose brushed her cheek. Speaking harshly, he explained, “I knew that you’d take it this way and I couldn’t— I can’t survive without you, Atria. I don’t want to.”
“How do you know that’s not just the hormones talking?”
“So what if it is?” Kaz kissed one eyelid, then the other. Atria tried not to flinch at the tender touch, but each fluttering kiss scalded her with its fierce tenderness. “So what? So fuckingwhat?I love being yours, Atria. The way you look at me like I make you happy just by existing; the way you sass me; how fucking smart you are, and how you smell, and the way you mumble in your sleep — it makes me so fucking happy. I’mhappy,Atria.”
She waited, breath caught, for him to say it. She needed to hear the words. She needed to knowheknew his own feelings before she could trust they were what he wanted.
Say you love me. Say it.
It wasn’t enough to know he regretted the three years he waited, nor that he was happy now. He’d walked away from her. When presented with a real choice, hedidn’tchoose her. A threat had coerced him into her arms, and nothing could scrub that knowledge from her shaken heart other than his absolute certainty.
It would not be enough to simply feel him now. She needed him tosayhe chose her, now and forevermore.
Kaz sighed as he squeezed her to his chest. “I’m sorry, princess. If I could redo it, I’d throw you over my shoulder at that stupid wedding and never look back.”
It was something, at least.
Stop pushing,she hissed at that sad, lonely girl inside herself, the one who just wanted someone to be as certain of her as she was about them.Hasn’t he given enough today?
She was being greedy with him. Selfish. He’d given her so much and yet she needed more, right now, or she’d fall to pieces? Just a few hours prior she watched him kneel and weep at his mother’s grave. Why did she need to push so hardnow?Was it any wonder why he might keep some of himself back when she couldn’t give him a little fucking grace?
She needed to process. She needed to give him time. She needed to work through the acidic tang of unreasonable betrayal she felt. She needed to just… step back — emotionally, magically. Recenter herself.Breathe.
Atria let out a slow, shaky exhale.“The wedding wasn’t stupid.”
He let out a tired chuckle. “You’re right. It was nice.Iwas stupid.”
“Yeah.” She was suddenly exhausted. “So stupid.”
“Am I forgiven?” It was an earnest question.
“I don’t know. Yes. Maybe. Just not this second. I need to process.”
Atria leaned all her weight onto him. Gods, she needed this man. Imagining life without him was like staring at a blank wall. She didn’t want to lose his wry smile, his fumbling care, howhardhe worked to be better for those around him. She treasured their connection like the precious gift it was.
But he’d wounded her, and she wasn’t entirely sure he’d understand how or why. He believed that the problem was that he’d kept a hurtful secret and now that it was out in the world the issue was resolved.
The truth was far more complicated. Kaz was devoted to her, but he didn’twanther. Not in the way she wanted him. He hadn’t chosen her willingly. He loved her, but he couldn’t say it.
Kaz was irrevocably hers, but she worried he wasn’t certain hewantedto be.
There was a small part of her that wanted to be angry at him, but Atria couldn’t manage it. She understood that he would never intentionally hurt her. Just because shewashurt didn’t mean she ought to take it out on him.
And although she knew she should express everything she felt, Atria couldn’t bear it. The conversation left her flayed to the bone. After pouring out his heart at his grandparents’ ranch, she was certain he felt the same. Not wanting to overwhelm him more, she carefully hid her feelings behind a psychic wall, lest they leak over the tether and make things worse.
A buzzing sort of emotion welled up under her skin, like a magical allergic reaction to the throttling of the bond. It was unnatural to guard herself against him, but it was all she could do to keep them both from a complete meltdown.
Gentle fingers slid through her hair. “Fair enough. Tomorrow morning, then?”
Her voice was nasally when she quipped, “I don’t know. Maybe check again in three years.”
“I see.” Kaz untangled their limbs just long enough to bend down and sweep her up into his arms. She rested her head in the crook of his neck, her eyes heavy-lidded, as he padded toward the bathroom. “Well, if that’s the case, then I should start working on making it up to you now. How does a bath sound, princess?”
