He stood up again to tower over her, his expression dark and wild. “Be mad at me, princess. I deserve it. But let me tell you something: I haven’t known one single second of peace since that wedding. Notone.Every time I closed my eyes, there you were. Every dream, every passing thought, every glimpse of someone with brown hair —you, you, you.”
She retreated a step, but he followed her until her back hit the dresser. He prowled forward. Every line of his expression was harsh, cut into the hard angles of a predator on the hunt. She’d never felt him so wild, so absolutely focused.
Kaz lifted his arms to cage her in. Those matte black claws dug into the wood on either side of her, leaving deep furrows as he growled, “I was hanging on by a fucking thread when I heard the news. All I needed was an excuse.”
Softly, she argued, “But you didn’twantthis.”
If he wanted it, he wouldn’t have walked away. He wouldn’t have kept his distance. The decision to tie himself to her was coerced, forced by the threat of the bounty, and locked into place by the kohl. And if that was the case, then he didn’t make the decision at all.
No wonder he doesn’t want to talk about bonding.
The sudden clarity was merciless. She now understood all those horrible, conflicting emotions he felt in the beginning — the disgust that riddled him when he sat next to her on the plane; the way he’d snapped at her when she demanded he let her go; his flashes of hot and cold, how he’d vacillated between wanting her so badly and being annoyed by her very existence.
He was fighting the compulsions that had been forced on him while she’d… what? Gloried in the victory of finally having a mate of her own, one who saw her as an equal, who gave her the touch and care she needed to thrive?
Growing up in the Sanctuary, she had always coveted matehood because it was the thing she was supposed to never want; the ultimate sacrifice for the god who held them all on his shoulders. The forbearance of sacred matehood was the gift every bonded priestess gave to the world. Despite growing up knowing it would never be for her, Atria wanted it fiercely. Then she came to believe that in abandoning her vows, she had ended up losing out on the experience anyway.
But Kaz did not have that perspective. She knew now that matehood meant something different to him. It was what took his mother, what he believed drove his father insane, what killed his siblings’ mother. It broke the hearts of his grandparents. It left him an orphan.
Matehoodscarredhim.
Was it any wonder he would take one look at her and run in the opposite direction? Had he imagined a different sort of life? Was there something about her that had so repulsed him at first glance that he’d felt even more compelled to turn away? Did it really surprise her that he would balk at yet another bond that would tie him to a partner he’d never asked for in the first place?
“You were forced into this.” Hot tears obscured her vision as horror eclipsed her hurt. “You never wanted this. You never wanted a mate. I’m so sorry, Kaz. If I could undo it, I—”
“Don’t you dare finish that fucking sentence.” The words were barely audible through the snarl. Kaz’s hands cupped her cheeks. She closed her eyes instinctively when he began to wipe away her tears. In a hard, low voice, he asked, “Atria, do you feel me? Are we tethered?”
Another tear slipped free, only to be wiped away by his callused thumb. It took everything in her not to lean into that firm, affectionate touch.He looked at me and walked away. He didn’t want me. Can I even blame him?
“Yes,” she answered, raw with feeling.
He gave the sides of her neck a brief squeeze, demanding her attention. “Do youtrustme?”
Kaz had hidden things from her, but he’d also given up his life for her. He’d jeopardized everything he knew for her. He didn’t want a mate and yet he dropped everything to save her when she needed it.
He was a good man. He had her trust. Even now, perhapsespeciallynow, he had her everything.
She nodded.
“Then I want you to feel me, Atria. I want you to reach into me and feel everything I am, everything I feel foryou.And when you do, I want you to trust that it’s real, and it’s right, and that it’s what I want.”
Lower lip trembling, Atria slowly lifted her hands to press her palms against his chest. His heart beat a wild, uneven rhythm beneath them. She sucked one deep breath in. On the exhale, she dove in.
Fear. Sorrow. Regret. Guilt. Worry.
His emotions whipped around her, as lethal as a Pacific rip current. Her first instinct was to panic, to rear back and swim to safety, but when Kaz’s hands closed over her own, when she felt the touch of his forehead against hers, she forced herself to stay.
What did he want her to see? What did he want her to feel?
She swam deeper, let herself sink into the darkest depths of him, leaving behind the violence of his surface emotions. The farther she went, the warmer the depths became.
That warmth increased all around her. It expanded, stretching on and on without end. No matter how far she stretched her psychic senses, shefeltit.
Love.
It was not nuanced or aged in the way it someday would be. It was new and bright on her palate; as wild and unrestrained as the man who felt it.
Atria shuddered.
