“Hmm. What should we watch until the food gets here?” she asks, clicking through the different streaming services we have.
It's odd how comfortable it is having her on our couch, how much I like her being in our space. I don’t even like having our brothers over, but Kate feels like she truly belongs here.
I just stare at her side profile, thinking how beautiful she is, and how much I want more. How much I want this on a daily basis. I don’t know how much longer I can wait to let this guise of friends with benefits go on for.
Because the fact of the matter is I have feelings. Big ones that I’ve never had before and it feels like the longer I keep them bottled up the more likely I am to explode.
“What?” she asks, turning to face me.
“Nothing. We can watch whatever you want.”
“Hmm. Oh, have you watched this?” she asks and I shake my head.
The first episode plays and suddenly I’m watching a rom com about a podcaster and a rabbi who fall in love. It’s a funny show, but it has me thinking about my dating situation and what I want.
Beyond liking Kate, and having these big feelings, where could I see this relationship going?
For the first time in probably ever, I think about the future. I could see us in Kate’s house. I could see myself waking up to that orange cat sitting on my chest every morning. The imagery is clear as day as I picture me and Kate and her and Gavin. There wouldn’t be a compromise for me and Gavin to separate. We could still live our lives together, but it would be even better with Kate in the middle.
“Are you okay? Is it hitting you?” Kate says, running her fingers through my hair as I look into her pretty blue eyes.
I want to blurt all these emotions out as a knock on the door sounds.
“There’s dinner,” I say, kissing her cheek before getting up and grabbing the ridiculous amount of food I bought.
It takes about twenty more minutes, and then suddenly all the food tastes better, and I feel all my riddled anxieties slowly slip away.
Kate must be feeling it too, the way she’s moaning around her pizza dipped in chicken tikka masala sauce.
“Oh fuck this is good,” she says.
My smile is so wide that I can feel the stretch of skin around my eyes.
“God, I love your smile,” she says dreamily, taking another bite of food.
“What else?” I say, greedy for compliments.
“Hmm. What else do I like about Benjamin Carlson?” She taps her chin like she’s deep in thought. “This dimple for one,” she says, pointing to my chin. “I like how you listen, your kindness, your sweetness. You’re a good man, Ben.”
“Even though I did what I did?” I ask, knowing I’ve apologized, but not knowing if it will ever be enough.
We put the food down, lying face to face on the couch, my arm underneath her neck, her head resting on my biceps as she nods.
“Yeah, even though you did what you did. Is it weird that I think it was meant to happen?”
“You really think so?”
Her eyes are heavy-lidded as she smiles up at me.
“Yeah, I think we’re just what each other needed.”
“What is it you need?” I ask her, wanting to be everything she expects of me.
She shifts on the couch and blinks at me. “Just this.”
I lean forward and press a tender kiss against her lips, her tongue lashing out and licking my kiss off her mouth.
“What about you? What is it you need?”
