It’s then the reality of how this looks from the outside looking in makes me feel the ignominy of the situation.
“I’m going to run to the restroom,” I say really quickly, barely giving the brothers a moment to say anything, as I part myself from their arms and rush over to the bathroom. I hoped it would be a moment of reprieve, but it turns out to be even worse.
23
SECOND GUESSING
The bathroom is darkly lit,with the mirrors being backlit with an almost ring light quality.
I felt hot when I left the house. Even as I look at myself now, my hair curling from the humidity and a sheen of sweat on my skin, I still feel hot. But, there’s this lingering doubt, this feeling of who the fuck do I think I am?
I’m a professor playing what? Young club girl who has two hot and successful club owner fuck buddies? Meanwhile, my ex-husband could potentially be staking out my house. I’m not worth this trouble, and I’m not sure if I can handle public criticism of what I do behind closed doors.
Needing a moment to get my shit together before I leave and tell the guys I need to head home, I go into a stall, grateful that they are floor to ceiling doors.
I sit on the toilet, my thumbs rubbing my temples as my fingertips cradle my forehead, taking a few deep breaths.
There’s no way we can continue on the path we’re headed down. It’s too much. I’m not strong enough to handle this shit. Sleeping with them again is a bad idea. Savannah is right. I’m not mature enough to not catch feelings, because seeing themwith their brothers only made me more curious. Every touch and conversation outside of the bedroom has me wanting to get to them on a deeper level.
My life is chaotic right now. The last thing I need is people judging me for this forbidden relationship.
The door to the bathroom hits the back wall, women laughing as they gather by the sink, the water running as I sit there and debate when to make my great escape.
“Do you think they all fuck?” one woman says with a giggle.
“I mean, did you see them? Like, I can help you upgrade,” another says, and I rub my temples harder.
I haven’t felt this way since high school. I was never an outcast, specifically bullied, but I was never on the inside. I was always on the skirts of popularity, and they always made me feel it. I was the girl with dead parents, a suspicious scar, who somehow caught the eye of the All State Men's Soccer goalie.
I scoff to myself, remembering how Will always made me feel it too. Little digs that let me know that he was the prize. I believed it too. Believed it so hard that I followed him and his scholarship to FSU. I got into fucking Brown and I gave that up so that I could hold on to him. Even though I don’t regret it, FSU has an amazing fine arts program. What I regret is letting him run my life, for letting other people’s words put me down. It’s not how I want to be. Who I want to be.
I wish I cared less about what people thought of me. It’s not how I want to value myself, but at this moment, I can’t help but feel like that stupid young woman who followed a man because of what other people thought. Is me caring what these complete strangers think of me any different? I feel like I’m stuck in this same stupid societal game of what’s expected of me and what’s morally right and wrong.
I’m an adult woman, we’re all consenting adults. We’re allowed to decide that line for ourselves.
“Do you think there is some twincest happening there?” A snicker and a bunch of laughs bursts out and I’ve had enough.
It’s one thing to talk about me, but talking about Ben and Gavin like that? It makes the decision easier, as I step out of the stall and go to a sink to wash my hands.
I glance into the mirror. None of the women, who are likely barely legal, look at me. Though two of them look like they’re about to burst into a fit of laughter.
“It’s strange wondering what complete strangers do in the bedroom. But if you must know, they love having me in the middle. Did you want to know what it’s like taking two men at once? Or should I tell you about my last gynecological exam? What information would you like?” I say, not looking up as I wash my hands.
Now that I’m done, I grab a paper towel, glancing at them all, properly chastised. None of them tries to apologize or speak, and I’m not sure that I would want them to.
I toss the paper towel in the trash on my way out, not looking back as I hold my head high and make my way to Ben and Gavin. Maybe it’s my small little breakdown, the need to prove to myself that I’m not crumbling because it’s what other people expect, but I vow to myself to have a good night and not let myself overthink this.
Too many drinks later,we’re back outside and I’m fanning myself as Penny leans in, her arm clutching my forearm. Her pupils are massive. Clearly she’s had just as much as me.
“Tell me again what you said to them,” she says, her mouth trying to find her straw.
“Baby, leave her alone,” Lincoln says.
She rolls her eyes and glances back at me. “I’m finally out of the house doing adult things. I need to know everything.”
“They were talking about Ben and Gavin, and well, me too, but once they started talking about them, I couldn’t stand it anymore.”
“Are they still here?” Penny asks, looking around.
