“Now, what do you say we get out of this bathroom and get back to dinner? Gavin and I will protect you from our family,” he says, and I squint at him. I’m not sure there’s a human shield large enough to protect me from the Carlson family.
I put my hand in his, and it feels like I’m taking the biggest leap in this relationship. There’s still so much more to be said between the three of us, but if I want this to work, I’m going to have to put this fear to the side.
There’s not only the fear of what people will think, but also the fear that by giving my heart to both of them, if they break it, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to piece myself back together. Deep down I know the fracture they would cause would be twenty times worse than the scars Will left behind. If I fully commit myself to them, they truly have the power to destroy me.
It’s a horrifying notion, but the way Ben’s warm hand holds mine, and the soft press of his lips at the crown of my head soothes me, I know they’re worth the risk.
I said I wanted to live my life and I thought that exploring my sexuality was the way to do that. In a way it was, it led me to Ben and Gavin. But truly living feels like taking the risks, loving myself and opening myself up to loving others. I owe it to myself to try.
So even though I’m dreading the conversation at the dinner table, I take each step against the dark hardwood floors until I’mback in my seat. Polite smiles are directed at me, and Gavin’s hand lands on my lap, giving my thigh a reassuring squeeze.
“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Gavin says, acting like I didn’t have a complete melt down during dinner.
“Steve’s going to take us out for a catamaran and snorkel,” his dad says excitedly. “I was thinking about taking the spear fishing equipment. What do you think?”
“I think you’re sixty-eight years old and taking a weapon on a rocky vessel is a dumb fucking idea,” his wife snaps back and I smile.
“Damn, Maggie, can’t a retired man enjoy his life?” he says back.
“Yeah, only if he’s still alive to live it. No spearfishing.”
The older man grumbles as Aiden and Jessa talk about the snorkeling equipment and Lincoln worries about the safety of his children on the catamaran. The chatter is loud and animated and even though I ran away from this earlier, it fills a hole in my chest. I instinctively knew this part of me was missing, but seeing it laid out at a table makes it so clear.
I’ve missed the banter of a family. Sure, growing up when it was me and my parents, it was quiet, but we still had our moments where we were the ideal family unit. Then there was aunt Helene, and we were a family of two, but the sense of community and comradery that came along with being her niece was visceral. When I married Will and his family became mine. That one was the most contentious out of the three, but it was still a family. There were inside jokes, memories, and laughter that connected us all.
It’s been years, Chelsea and Savannah have been my family, which I couldn’t be more grateful for, but this feels like a different sense of the word.
“You know, I was thinking about spearfishing tomorrow. Maybe dad can just so happen to watch while I’m doing it,” Ben says, his arm resting on the back of my chair.
“Benjamin, don’t you start with me,” his mother Maggie says.
“What?” Ben says innocently.
“Don’twhatme. Don’t encourage him.”
“Just what we need, my children watching their grandpa get stabbed in the chest with a fish spear on our dangerous family excursion,” Lincoln deadpans across the table.
“That’s enough talk of fish spears. They’re banned from the catamaran. The picnic and drinks will be packed in the morning. Kate, do you have any drinking preferences?”
I shake my head, realizing I’m now part of the conversation.
“Nope, I like everything.”
“She sure does,” Lincoln whispers, and his wife clearly steps on his toe as he nearly jumps out of his seat.
I smirk to myself. Maybe I made the right decision to stay after all.
I don’t geta moment with Gavin alone, and that brief conversation with Ben in the bathroom was hardly enough to put me at complete ease.
Luckily, though, it’s just seven of us out on the beach now. Gavin and Aiden are getting the fire going as I sit with Jessa in beach chairs, my feet buried in the sand, waiting for Ben, Penny, and Lincoln to come back with drinks and snacks.
“You hanging in all right?” Jessa sweetly asks.
“Yeah, I think so?” I reply, it’s more of a question because truly I’m not sure.
I mean logistically, I’m alive and not running away. But mentally my head is still a mess trying to figure out how the rest of this weekend is going to go, let alone what life looks like when we’re back in Tampa.
“You know, I met the family on a trip to the vacation house, too. I like to think of it like a Band-Aid. You get it over with and then they become your family right away,” she says, her dark brown hair flying around her face from the sharp breeze flying over the waves.
