“But you both want to be together?” she asks and I nod my head. “Then I’m sure you can figure out a way to make it work.”
God, I wish it was that easy. I wish I could give into him and just see what life could be like between us.
I start crying again, and Jessa, being the amazing friend she is, doesn’t stop with the soothing back rubs. When I’m finally done sobbing like an asshole, she wraps her arms around me and squeezes me into an affectionate hug that I desperately needed.
How I got so lucky with her entering my life when she did, I’m not sure. But I’m not letting her go.
“I’m so sorry for ruining lunch.”
“Hey, you didn’t ruin anything,” Jessa says, pulling back and rubbing my arms. “Do you want to go home early? I’ll cover for you at the office.”
“Really?” I ask, with a small smile.
“Of course. What are girlfriends for?”
“Thanks, Jessa.”
We hug and I make my way to my apartment, where I plan on being a mess until my dreaded appointment with my therapist this afternoon.
I fidgetwith the side of the couch as Deb grabs a new pen and looks at me.
As soon as her inquisitive brown eyes meet mine, I fall apart and spill my guts out. I tell her everything; Key Club, the letter, the weekend.
She doesn’t speak as I spew it all out and tell her far too many details about what’s going on in my ridiculous life.
I don’t even know how much time passes when I get the whole story out and finally meet her eyes.
“Well, that’s a lot,” she says, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. “Let’s start with the letter,” she says, and I grimace.
“Do we have to?”
“You pay me, Penny. You wanted to get this all off your chest and work through it, and that’s what I’m here for.”
“It set me back,” I reply, wrapping my arms around myself.
“In what way?”
“You know that I’ve been wanting to get to the bottom of who I am and what I want. When I read that letter, I felt like I didn’t matter, that I shouldn’t even be here. She didn’t go into detail in her letter, but it’s not hard to guess what happened. I guess it kind of makes sense.”
Deb’s brows furrow. “What do you mean by that?”
“My beginnings were fucked up. Why wouldn’t the rest of my life?”
“Why do you think your life is so bad, Penny? You have a job, you have a family who loves you. You’re working on yourself to be the best you can be, so that you can have a healthy, happy life. Where is all this negative self talk coming from?”
“I don’t know,” I say, looking away from her. “But in case you missed the other half of my story, I also have romantic feelings for my cousin beyond all the sexual stuff I didn’t get too graphic with.”
“What does he want?” she asks.
“He wants to be together.”
“And you don’t want to lose your family?” she asks, knowing what I feel right off the bat. I nod and she jots down some notes. I think my case file grew by multiple pages after this session. “Are you worried that it’s just some torrid affair and that nothing would come out of it besides devastation?”
“That’s how all my other relationships have gone. I get so sucked into the moment and the haze of it all that I don’t see the signs before it’s too late.”
“But you’ve done a lot of work, Penny. A year ago you didn’t recognize this about yourself, now you do.”
“Are you seriously suggesting that I go figure things out with Lincoln?”
