“I was stupid. I thought I knew better, and I got him killed.” I lean my weight against Judd before he brings us to the ground, where he coddles me close to his chest. I don’t deserve his sympathy or comfort, but I selfishly take it anyway.
“What happened?” my father booms, entering the room.
I’m not sure what he sees when he looks at me. I’m more than well aware that I’m falling apart in front of everyone right now. It makes me want to stab myself with my blade. But when my father gets down on his haunches and cups my face… that’s when I really break.
For the first time in my life, I’m finally able to seek refuge in a parent’s arms. My father holds me as I shatter. My body convulses with sobs, and I drench his fancy suit with my tears. All that I can think of is the regret I feel.I should have retreated like he said. I should have paid more attention to him in battle.
“We were so outnumbered, and it’s my fault. I made him remember and fight for me. I gave him that confidence, and he lost his life because of it.” My father shushes, consoling me as I cry.
Toth was right, I’m damaged and fucked up. I should have stayed away from him, kept those memories of how he felt about me tucked away for the rest of my existence. But I couldn’t, I wanted his devotion too fucking much.
“He served Hell for a long time. His memory won’t be forgotten,” Lucifer promises me, but that just makes me cry harder.
“I told him not to retreat,” I say, pulling away from my father’s arms. I don’t feel worthy of his comfort or empathy. I should have to sit and suffer in this pain alone.
“Because you are a fighter. I can tell you now if he was alive, he wouldn’t blame you,” my father reassures.
I look away. Judd and Elvor stand in the corner together, looking at me helplessly. I use the back of my wrist to wipe away my ridiculous tears.
“He was special to you?” my father asks. I give him a curt nod, which he returns. “Why don’t you three get cleaned up, and we can do a debrief tomorrow? Tonight, I’ll speak to the other demons who were onsite,” he says, wiping my cheek with his thumb before walking away.
Judd and Elvor look at me like I’m an escaped animal at the zoo, but I just wave them off. “I’m going to my room to get cleaned up. I’ll go to Elvor’s later tonight.”
“Promise?” Elvor asks hopefully. He isn’t a soft man, but he has a tender place just for me, not that I deserve it.
I nod my head and squeeze his hand before walking off. But I don’t go to my room, I go to the Black Lake.
There’s a scattering of flat stones, and I throw one after another into the inky water, allowing this feeling to fester inside of me. Everything with Toth was a push or pull. We both got on each other’s nerves. But we both pushed each other to be better, to be more.
I wanted it; I wanted more with him. Maybe if I had more time, I would have given his memories back under the right circumstances, or I would have worked through my issues of being a siren.
I can’t deny how fucking handy being a siren was during the battle today. It makes me hate what I am a little less. It saved Elvor and myself, but not Toth.
He’s lived for nearly a millennium, but me, a stupid, self-absorbed girl, is what ended him.
I rub my eyes hard with my palms, willing any more moisture to stay tightly inside my stupid, traitorous face.
A twig snaps in the dark forest next to the lake, and it has me furrowing my brows. Once I’m on my feet, I wipe any dirt off my body as I walk past the lake into the forest.
I squint but don’t see anything around me. “I’m not in the fucking mood. If you’re not supposed to be on the grounds, you should leave now,” I say.
There’s no answer, although I do hear what I can only describe as a whimper.
I look back, and a large redwood stands before me. When I round it, I see a crumpled soul on the ground, no figure to keep it solid, nobody to possess, just inky blackness. The ghost-like soul stills at my presence, and when I get down to my haunches and really look at it… I canfeelit.
“Toth?” I ask, reaching out towards it. The soul feels frightened when I try to touch it, almost to the point of running away from me. I know all too well what it feels like to be in this form.
You feel lost, hopeless, and so fucking confused.
I decide to take a big risk. I have most of my father’s gifts, wouldn’t making a demon corporeal be one of them? The memories of when I was made whole flood me, and I push them to the front of my mind.
Grabbing my blade, I slice my own wrist and let it drip onto the soul as I remember the incantation to the best of my ability. I put all my hope and need into wanting this to work.
Please fucking work. Please be Toth.
The inky soul ripples until a naked, scared Toth lies before me. He’s curled into himself as he blinks at me and looks at his hands. He doesn’t speak, and I just blink back, looking down at my hands.
My wrist has healed, and the blood has dried.
