“Did you know who my mother was?” I ask him. He looks away from me, and I grab his bloody chin to make him look back at me. “Did you know?” I push all my power into the compulsion.
“She was vile, Mara. I didn’t want you to get tangled up in her web.”
I squint at him and try to read the demon before me. I spent years with Beelzebub; he was the first being to truly befriend me and give me guidance. He’s also the first person who used me. Hell only knows how old this demon is, and he came to Earth to use a fifteen-year-old confused soul for his own benefit.
It may have taken me longer to realize than I’d like to admit, but Beelzebub is my enemy. He never truly gave a shit about me, only his cause and what I could do for him.
“You know what I find interesting, B?” I ask him.
“What?” he asks, swallowing thickly.
“You knew so much and kept it from me for so long.”
“That’s not true. I told you of your father and what you were destined for,” he says. I hold the non-magical blade against his throat. I can’t afford to get trigger-happy here.
“Don’t fucking interrupt me again,” I sneer. He nods his head in understanding, and I continue speaking. “You played into what I wanted. I was fifteen. I just wanted someone to care about me, and you pretended to.” He goes to open his mouth to speak again but stops himself. “You’re also the reason I’m so fucking confused!” I scream in his face.
My brain feels scattered like all my thoughts are talking over each other. I want to be held by someone, but I also want to peel off my skin. Maybe if I rid myself of this corporeal body that I don’t deserve, then all the thoughts will stop. The desperation to feel numb is all-consuming; I just want to be able to shut it off.
All the voices in my head are screaming at me, telling me I’m worthless, I’m a user, a fucking monster. I don’t deserve to be cherished by Elvor or called sweetheart by Judd. I’m not even worth Toth’s bite in the throes of passion. Without thinking, I rub my shoulder; the bite healed long ago.
I wish my mind would heal as easily as my flesh.
“Admit that you used me, and I’ll kill you quickly so you don’t have to suffer here anymore,” I tell him softly, feeling exhausted.
“Mara, I—”
“I’m not going to give you this offer again, Beelzebub. Tell me everything now, and I’ll end this for you,” I repeat, waving the knife around the room.
He sobs and looks up at me. Snot is running down his nose, and he looks so fucking pathetic. “Lucifer was out of control. The angels wanted someone they could manipulate to take over Hell. I just wanted to be higher ranking and for him to see how useful I was. He was going to regret not trusting me; he was going to see how helpful I could be. I knew you would see that in me as soon as you took over Hell. You’re powerful, and you were also our only option,” he admits.
I inhale deeply and look around the room. “Who’s been torturing you?” I ask him. At that, he breathes deeply.
“Mostly Lilith.”
“Why?” I ask him with a tilt of my head. He looks away again, and I swear I’m going to snap. I grab his chin to focus his gaze on me again. “Why?” I shout it in his face, the rage I have can’t be contained. The only outlet I know to express myself is violence. I want to cut his eyeballs out and feed them to him right about now.
“I killed her sister,” he says, and I exhale.
That… that is a valid enough reason to keep Beelzebub here.
I think… I don’t know.
Why does every facet of my life feel like a fucking lie?I grab the roots of my hair and let out a frustrated scream.
“Please, Mara. Please end it,” he begs me.
I think about it; how good it would feel, ridding another person who hurt me from existence. But then this tiny little section of my heart stops me. Lilith hasn’t once asked anything of me. She wanted me to be with Elvor. She’s the reason he knew who I was before he chased me down into the depths of the pit. She’s done my hair for me, held my hand per se since I’ve arrived in Hell.
Taking away her revenge seems callous, even for me.
I shake my head. “I’ll be seeing you,” I tell him.
“No, please. Please don’t leave me here. I cared for you all those years! I made sure you had the best humans to possess. I always wanted to serve you.”
“Then you can serve me by living your life here in the pit,” I respond, leaving the room and any lingering feelings about Beelzebub behind me.
I feel sick to my stomach. How am I supposed to keep living here when I can’t even trust myself? Am I constantly compelling people without even knowing it? Does my father even want me here, truly? Or is it because my siren nature is alluring to everyone around me?
